02 Mar
Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Tonya!

That’s right, people! It’s time to meet another Housewife! So strap on your tap shoes, throw some glitter in the air and avoid getting yelled at by that scary teacher from Dance Moms by reading Tonya’s most guarded secrets. Have some tissue handy. You may cry a little. Or, if you’re smart, call the cops.

Name: Tonya

Age: What? I can’t hear you? Did you say something? Lalalalalalalala…..

Hometown: Brooklyn, baby!

Tonya and her friend Emily going to a high school Homecoming dance. Clearly, Emily knows how to take a picture. She also knows that you are supposed to wear shoes with a fancy dress. Tonya, obviously, does not have this knowledge. Not that her date noticed. He spent the whole night whispering in her ear: “I can’t believe I’m not on anything.” Poor Tonya.

Strange addiction:

I like to peruse the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and read up on my friends, family members, and co-workers. I’m a little worried about the other Housewives…

Signature dance move?

Whatever happens with 4 shots of tequila and a song by T.I. or C & C Music Factory. I’m complicated.

If you could give The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik a makeover, what would be your vision?

He doesn’t need a makeover, he just needs to admit he’s really Kim K’s BFF, Jonathan Cheban, AND Cojo from Entertainment Tonight.

All. The. Same. Guy.

How do you feel about juicing diets and cleanses?

I believe that they are the reason why Naomi Campbell throws phones at her assistants. SHE’S HUNGRY, PEOPLE! Unless, you’re talking about the kind where you shoot up heroin then snort meth. That one looks fun.

Least favorite household task:

Cleaning the bathroom after my 4 year old has used it. Very humbling. Also, walking through the house and having to ask: Whose underwear is hanging in the dining room? Why is there peanut butter on the cat? How did shampoo get on the kitchen ceiling?

Which tattoo is better: Confederate flag or Yosemite Sam?

I prefer text to images. I think: “Cannibalism Recycles” has a nice ring to it.

Who’s your celebrity crush?

Eminem. He seems nice.

What’s wrong with Fergie’s face?

I think it’s a strongly guarded Hollywood secret. Like why Tori Spelling has a career or why Gwyneth Paltrow believes she has useful advice.

Paper or plastic?

I like foil. We are talking about hats, right?

Childhood crush?

Neil Diamond. I like bad boys.

Where did you meet your husband?

At a party that just ran out of cups for the keg. He had procured a large pitcher to drink from, so he really wasn’t going without. I saw him and immediately decided that he was the one for me. He never did share that beer in his pitcher. He’s a keeper.

Three items you’d want on a desert island?

I’m a very pale person with a slight case of OCD so I’m not sure I would make it with all that sun and sand. Why don’t you just add Kathy Lee and Hoda to the equation and call it my working definition of hell. Great. Now, I need a moment to myself to imagine my safe place.

Why do you keep “forgetting” to clean the TMH clubhouse windows?

That’s Marinka’s job. I’m in charge of our compost pile. Which totally does not contain any bodies of people who have angered me, like that CVS pharmacist who refused to acknowledge my presence and give me my son’s damn cough medicine! Or that overly pushy mom who lives down the street and likes to make statements under her breathe about my son’s choice of clothing. LADY, HOW DOES MY SON WEARING HIS PANTS BACKWARD AFFECT YOU??? HE’S 4! HE’S NOT TRYING TO DATE YOUR DAUGHTER! Ok, back to my safe place…

Now that you know Tonya better, aren’t you glad she’s not your neighbor? Stay tuned for another Meet the Housewives! In the meantime have a great weekend!


16 Responses to “Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Tonya!”


Comment by I’m Not Dying Of Spanish Flu But I Might Be Possessed…Or Pregnant. One Of Those. With Some Funny Friday Thrown In. | Going to MENSA.

[…] I’m being profiled over at The Mouthy Housewives. Quick, go over there and check it out before the FBI gets involved! The Top 2% Always […]


Comment by DogsOnDrugs.com.

I believe the correct answer to the question “What is wrong with Fergie’s face?” is “It is attached to Fergie”.

Tonya Reply:

Yes. Yes, that IS the correct answer!


Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

Hahaha!!! I must own I’, pretty sorry she’s NOT my neighbour! 😀


Comment by Wendi.

I can’t believe I’m not on anything.


Comment by Melissa.

I like her!!


Comment by Kristine.

Hilarious, Tonya!

(Will email you for further info regarding your cleanse/diet ideas.)


Comment by Plano Mom.

Neil Diamond. Manilow. I do believe we’ve got an awesome Vegas reunion concert trip going.

And I can’t believe Wendi isn’t on something.


Comment by K.

I can’t believe I’m not on anythin,
Cannibalism Recycles & the nice Eminem.

Can i buy you cake and beer and ask you to move next door?

Tonya Reply:

cake and beer?! I’m on my way! Packing and calling the moving truck now!


Comment by MommyTime.

At 3, when my son started wearing underwear, he ALWAYS wore them backwards. Because otherwise he couldn’t see all the adorable awesomeness (in the form of Bob the Builder, etc.) that was printed on the bum of the underwear. I would make ONE MEEELLION DOLLARS if I started making boy underwear with the characters on the front, so that they wouldn’t put it on backwards. In my humble opinion, it is that 6 months with the back-to-front going on that made my now-8-yr-old completely oblivious to whether his actual pants are on backwards or not (they periodically are not). Sorry to tell you, Wendy, you have a lot more years of dirty looks from that neighbor in your future. But at least you’re in good company with the rest of us! 🙂


Comment by Meredith L..

Brooklyn in the hizzay!

I would have a playdate with you and your pants-backwards son any day. (I let my 3-year old put on his own shoes, which means he often spends whole days with them on the wrong feet.) I can bring wine. And baked goods.

Tonya Reply:

We must hang out! My little brother used to wear his shoes on the wrong feet. On purpose. He said they fit better that way.


Comment by Erin@MommyontheSpot.

I think we may share the same favorite dance moves!

Tonya Reply:

Clearly you and I should go on Dancing With The Stars!


Comment by Alexandra.

I do want her to be my neighbor. That’s why I’m putting all my quarters and pennies in my sock to save money to give to her to try and buy the house across the street. Because I would love it.

In 2012, I’ve decided I’m going to be open and honest about my dreams. Like The Secret, you know.

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