That’s right, people! It’s time to meet another Housewife! So strap on your tap shoes, throw some glitter in the air and avoid getting yelled at by that scary teacher from Dance Moms by reading Tonya’s most guarded secrets. Have some tissue handy. You may cry a little. Or, if you’re smart, call the cops.
Age: What? I can’t hear you? Did you say something? Lalalalalalalala…..
Hometown: Brooklyn, baby!
Tonya and her friend Emily going to a high school Homecoming dance. Clearly, Emily knows how to take a picture. She also knows that you are supposed to wear shoes with a fancy dress. Tonya, obviously, does not have this knowledge. Not that her date noticed. He spent the whole night whispering in her ear: “I can’t believe I’m not on anything.” Poor Tonya.
I like to peruse the DSM IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) and read up on my friends, family members, and co-workers. I’m a little worried about the other Housewives…
Signature dance move?
Whatever happens with 4 shots of tequila and a song by T.I. or C & C Music Factory. I’m complicated.
If you could give The Bachelor’s Ben Flajnik a makeover, what would be your vision?
He doesn’t need a makeover, he just needs to admit he’s really Kim K’s BFF, Jonathan Cheban, AND Cojo from Entertainment Tonight.
All. The. Same. Guy.
How do you feel about juicing diets and cleanses?
I believe that they are the reason why Naomi Campbell throws phones at her assistants. SHE’S HUNGRY, PEOPLE! Unless, you’re talking about the kind where you shoot up heroin then snort meth. That one looks fun.
Least favorite household task:
Cleaning the bathroom after my 4 year old has used it. Very humbling. Also, walking through the house and having to ask: Whose underwear is hanging in the dining room? Why is there peanut butter on the cat? How did shampoo get on the kitchen ceiling?
Which tattoo is better: Confederate flag or Yosemite Sam?
I prefer text to images. I think: “Cannibalism Recycles” has a nice ring to it.
Who’s your celebrity crush?
Eminem. He seems nice.
What’s wrong with Fergie’s face?
I think it’s a strongly guarded Hollywood secret. Like why Tori Spelling has a career or why Gwyneth Paltrow believes she has useful advice.
Paper or plastic?
I like foil. We are talking about hats, right?
Neil Diamond. I like bad boys.
Where did you meet your husband?
At a party that just ran out of cups for the keg. He had procured a large pitcher to drink from, so he really wasn’t going without. I saw him and immediately decided that he was the one for me. He never did share that beer in his pitcher. He’s a keeper.
Three items you’d want on a desert island?
I’m a very pale person with a slight case of OCD so I’m not sure I would make it with all that sun and sand. Why don’t you just add Kathy Lee and Hoda to the equation and call it my working definition of hell. Great. Now, I need a moment to myself to imagine my safe place.
Why do you keep “forgetting” to clean the TMH clubhouse windows?
That’s Marinka’s job. I’m in charge of our compost pile. Which totally does not contain any bodies of people who have angered me, like that CVS pharmacist who refused to acknowledge my presence and give me my son’s damn cough medicine! Or that overly pushy mom who lives down the street and likes to make statements under her breathe about my son’s choice of clothing. LADY, HOW DOES MY SON WEARING HIS PANTS BACKWARD AFFECT YOU??? HE’S 4! HE’S NOT TRYING TO DATE YOUR DAUGHTER! Ok, back to my safe place…
Now that you know Tonya better, aren’t you glad she’s not your neighbor? Stay tuned for another Meet the Housewives! In the meantime have a great weekend!