09 Mar
Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Kristine!

It’s time to get down and dirty with another Housewife! So far, we’ve heard the (punishable under Federal Law) secrets of Wendi.  Then it was Marinka, and last week Tonya laid it all out on the table.

But nothing will prepare you for Kristine, who turns a youthful 34 on this very day! (Please leave her cupcakes in the comments.)

Name: Kristine “Casbah” Cook

Ginger or MaryAnn?

You ladies are so sly! You know this show is before my time! (Ahem.) But I checked with Google, and I think the best answer here as a feminist is Ginger.

What’s your favorite TV show?

Wow, it’s hard to narrow it down to just one. Generally speaking, my favorite type of television is the type that often triggers my husband to go ON AND ON about the STATE OF AMERICA these days, but I guess I’d go with The Voice and Smash. (Oh, Jesus. Am I a closeted musical theater nut?!)

Who’s on your laminated list?

I, quite seriously, have no idea what a “laminated list” is, but I’m going to assume it means celebrities-you’re-allowed-to-sleep-with list and not my Grocery list. So, that would be:

— Blake Shelton (I swear, I don’t even LIKE Nascar, but he has this smirk thing going on that…omg.)

— Actually, wait. I think the entire cast of The Voice would have to be there. Even CeeLo’s fluffy white cat. (Shut up. It’s MY fantasy.)

How long is this list supposed to be? Beyond this, I’d sleep with any celebrity that would get me a makeover with Tim Gunn, quite frankly. (Since I’m pretty sure The GunnMother himself wouldn’t be interested…)

What was the last book you read? (without pictures)

Um.

::tugs at collar::

Well, it was, you see– erm… Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples.

BUT I ONLY BOUGHT IT BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE LIKE THE KAMA SUTRA!

What sport are you worst at?

Lord. I am the clumsiest sports player ever, so this list could be a long one. But I suppose kickball is my most despised, since I broke my finger trying to catch the damn ball in elementary school. It happened right out on field, and I was SO EMBARRASSED that I just kept playing. But then when I tried to catch the ball AGAIN during the next inning, I HIT THE SAME FINGER.

I could no longer mask my pain (or shame), so I asked to see the nurse. The worst part? My teacher LAUGHED because he thought I was trying to get out of diagramming sentences. I told him nevermind, and just waited until I got home and my pinky (YES, I BROKE MY PINKY) was the size of a sausage.

Who is your personal hero and role model (other than Marinka, obvs)

What’s the name of that plastic surgery woman? Who looks like a cat? Yeah, not her.

What is your best/worst memory from high school?

Are you guys, like, TRYING to get me arrested? WTF?

If you had to give a colonoscopy to a celebrity, who would it be?

Why, is that where they hide their money?

Celeb look-alike?

Oh, I hate this question. I have brown hair and wear glasses, so people used to tell me I look like Lisa Loeb. Now that she’s no longer relevant, I suppose I just look like one of those extras that play the role of the corpse on CSI.

Or, when I’m taking my meds, maybe Tina Fey…as Sarah Palin?

Would you rather smoke crack with Charlie Sheen and get busted, or secretly sleep with Newt Gingrich?

Wait…is this supposed to be something we HAVEN’T done already? And at the same time?

Who’s your nemesis?

Little Debbie. That bitch.

Do these jeans make me look fat?

For the LAST TIME Wendi, leggings are not pants!

What’s the state bird of Texas?

Geeze, I just moved here and already I need to do  book report? I’m not sure what the name of it is, but I think it’s THIS bird:

Is this mole irregular?

Oh for CRYING OUT LOUD, Tonya, I do NOT want to look at your–

OH. That’s a mole?

What did you want to be when you grew up?

Um, a Mouthy Housewife? Duh!

What was your first job?

I worked in a Mom & Pop video store (oh god…I just realized my kids won’t even know what one of those IS). The worst part is that there was an “Adult” section, and I’d ALWAYS see the high school Volleyball coach in there.

Ahem.

(I don’t want to talk about this anymore.)

What kind of car do you drive?

I drove a Subaru Outback up until a few weeks ago. Now I drive a Dodge truck. Subarus are illegal in Texas, it turns out! Giants fans, too! (Shhhhh.)

How many tattoos do you have?

Too many, ladies. TOO DAMN MANY.

(3)

How does Wendi get her hair so shiny?

Gosh, I’m not sure. I think it’s one of those heavily guarded State Secrets. Like, that special sauce from BK, or that secret ingredient in Coca-Cola. What was that, again? Cocaine?

Yeah, I think she uses cocaine.

::Mouthy Housewife legal team give Kristine the hook::

Thanks for tuning in this week, everyone! Stay tuned for the grand finale of tell-alls: Kelcey! I hear she has extra body parts! (No, not really.)

8 Responses to “Up Close and Personal With the Housewives: Meet Kristine!”

03.09.12#1

Comment by TwoBusy.

::wild applause::

Kristine Reply:

::curtsy::

03.09.12#2

Comment by Kristin S..

I’m totally with Kristine on Blake Shelton. Tell you what, Kristine – I’ll check him out first and will report back.

03.09.12#3

Comment by Tonya.

I’ll have what Wendi’s having.

03.09.12#4

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

Hysterical & Hilarious!!!! 😀

03.09.12#5

Comment by Cheryl @ Deckside.

What the hell does Blake Shelton have to do with NASCAR???? C&W singers do not represent today’s NASCAR demographic. Speaking of NASCAR, Jeff Gordon is at the top of my laminated list. Woman, if you were in your right mind, he’d be on yours.

::moving to Texas has ruined her forever::

Kristine Reply:

What?! I thought Nascar and country music went hand-in-hand!

(Moving to Texas HAS ruined me forever.)

Cheryl @ Deckside Reply:

You’d be thinking about old-school NASCAR. Hasn’t been the same since The Jeff came into the picture 20 years ago. (And the man is hawt.)

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