30 Mar
Quick Call Joe Francis! My Neighbor Thinks Her Front Yard is Girls Gone Wild!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My neighbor, a 40-year-old single woman, has recently started sunbathing in her front yard. She just puts a towel on the grass and spreads out in her bikini. (And not to be catty, but she’s no model.) I find this incredibly tacky, especially since we live in a very upscale neighborhood. Also, she has a huge backyard where she can do this. I don’t know if she’s trying to get attention or what, but I can’t stand to see her out there. Should I say something?

Signed,

Not Larry Flynt

—————————————————

Dear I’m Sorry You’re Not The Porn King,

It certainly sounds like your neighbor, let’s call her Tara Reid, is in desperate need of attention. Normally, I’d suggest a subtle discussion with her but before you do that, perhaps you might think about becoming a more “helpful” neighbor and assisting her in this sad quest toward getting noticed:

–      Put up a FOR SALE sign in her front yard. Clearly she wants a buyer for what she’s got on offer.

–      Have your kids set up a lemonade and ticket stand. This way your family can make some money off the show! Win – win!

–      Put crime scene tape around her front yard and outline her usual sunning spot in chalk.

–      Make yourself available to chat whenever she’s outside. It’s imperative to talk incessantly, and in detail, about your recent colonoscopy procedure.

–      Spread a rumor to all the neighborhood children that whoever can tell Tara Reid the longest family vacation story will get a new iPpad! From her. Shhhhhhhh…

–      Sprinkle birdseed all over her lawn so that the front of her house will look like a remake of Hitchcock’s The Birds. Everyone just loves that movie!

If all of the above fail to gain her the notoriety or dates that she so desires it might just be time to sit Ms. Reid down for a little chat. It’s possible that Tara has partied so hard she doesn’t even remember she has a backyard to take advantage of! Or maybe she doesn’t realize the possible impact she may be having on the neighborhood tween boys?

Most of the time I’m a “live and let live” kind of gal. But as someone who also has a neighbor who shows a little too much skin (in EVERY kind of weather! It’s like the man doesn’t own a shirt!) their decision of exposure does, in fact, have an impact on all of us who live around them and they need to be made aware of it. At the end of the day, after the talk, Tara Reid may no longer be your friendly neighbor but, in all honesty, was she really that before?

Good Luck!

Tonya, TMH

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18 Responses to “Quick Call Joe Francis! My Neighbor Thinks Her Front Yard is Girls Gone Wild!”

03.30.12#1

Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

It could be a whole lot worse: she could have a VOTE RICK SANTORUM sign on her lawn.

Plano Mom Reply:

Rush would pay to watch…

03.30.12#2

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

I don’t think you should say anything. It’s her property, and she isn’t doing anything immoral or illegal. She’s an adult woman who is allowed to make her own choices. You are not her mother, so let her make them. It isn’t up to you to decide where she sunbathes.

If you say something, you are falling into the catty woman trap. As women, all we seem to do is criticize and correct each other. There is no way a conversation with her about you not liking where she sunbathes could go in a positive direction. She’s going to end up thinking that you are either jealous, controlling, or crazy.

I say MYOB and move along.

Avprobeauty Reply:

I 100% agree. What an as$%$#! Let the poor woman sunbathe, as you said she’s ‘not a model’ and probably doesn’t have a lot going for her, if soaking up some rays makes her happy, then let her enjoy it. Maybe when she starts getting goo goo eyes from the postman she will stop, but until then I agree MYOB.

It’d be one thing if her hoo ha was hangin all over the place or something but seriously, grow up, you honestly have nothing better to do than eyeball your neighbor in her skivvy’s? Sheesh!

Ken Reply:

I don’t know. I say talk to her. I can think of quite a few things I could do in my front yard that would be worthy of a discussion but not immoral or illegal. You can’t force her to change but I’m sure you can come up with a non-confrontational, non-judgmental way to have a decent conversation about it. It is a neighborhood after all. If you can’t talk to your neighbors about your neighborhood, who can you talk to.

Maybe the key is to imagine a similar situation where your neighbor might have cause to talk to you. How would you want to be approached? Depending on your answer, you can determine your best course of action.

If nothing else, put a big mirror in your yard so she sees what you see. It’s your yard after all. 🙂

03.30.12#3

Comment by Elizabeth.

Have all the young teen boys in the neighborhood sit on the sidewalk and just stare at her, not saying a word. For the entire time she sunbathes.

Lisa Reply:

So you’re advocating stalkerish, creepy and vaguely threatening behavior? This is not cute & funny like the kiddie vacation stories.

03.30.12#4

Comment by DV.

Perhaps she has a large tree blocking the sun in her backyard. I have to admit I used to sunbathe out front as I couldn’t get a single sun ray in my backyard.
I think the letter writer is way too judgmental. Just grab a glass of wine and enjoy the show.

Ace Reply:

yeah – “no to be catty or anything” — puh-lease!

03.30.12#5

Comment by Wendi.

I think the bird seed idea is genius.

03.30.12#6

Comment by Lilly from It's A Dome Life.

Why does it matter if the neighbor looks like a model? If she were a model would that make you feel better? Then you’d really be jealous! I say leave the poor woman alone. I don’t think there is a way to speak with her that won’t end badly. It is her yard. I wouldn’t want someone telling me what I was allowed to do in my yard. If you start complaining she may suddenly not like something you are doing and next thing you know it’s an all out war. Who has time for that? I say focus your time and energy on something that makes you happy! Also, teaching teenage boys to stare at women in bathing suits seems kind of creepy. Women should be allowed to wear bathing suits without being terrorized by men. Do you really want to teach your sons that it is acceptable to treat women like that? Think about your daughters. Do you want them to be ashamed of their bodies? I kind of admire the 40 year old woman with an imperfect body brave enough to wear a bathing suit in public. I hope I have that kind of confidence and courage in a few more years.

Tbird Reply:

I have to wonder though if the person sunbathing were a man in bikini bottoms would everyone have the same reaction? Or would folks in the neighborhood worry that he was some sort of predator. Btw I’m not suggesting that either this woman sunbathing or the man in my hypothetical situation are predators but I am wondering if the gender were changed if it wouldn’t ellicit a different reaction?

adil Reply:

I don’t think the bikini-bottomed-guy analogy really works, because women in bikinis are common enough and accepted at public pools and family beaches, but men in speedo suits would get a whole lot of side-eye and suspicion in those settings. I think a better comparison would be a 40ish guy with a hairy paunch in regular trunks. I have a neighbor who mows his lawn like this, and although it does make me roll my eyes a bit, I’d never think to complain.

Lily from It's A Dome Life Reply:

I think the guys wearing Speedo type bathing suits are harmless. From my experience they have been old guys with bad fashion sense or from another country where the speedo is a totally accetable bathing suit for men to wear. I suspect most predators would try to blend in and go unnoticed. I don’t think they would advertise what they are up to by hanging out in the front yard in a bathing suit. Predator’s usually try to look “normal” and that is how they get away with it. That’s what makes them so dangerous. They don’t have a sign saying “I’m a creep” hanging around their necks. If I were to see a guy sunbathing in a speedo in his front yard I would probably do a lot of snickering and then get on with my day.

03.30.12#7

Comment by thepsychobabble.

Meh.
Get over it.
She’s not doing anything illegal.
She’s not even doing anything a person could call immoral.
And, unless the front lawn in question is YOUR front lawn, you don’t really get to dictate what goes on in it.

03.30.12#8

Comment by kokopuff.

What I find incredibly tacky is you staring at your neighbor on HER front lawn. MYOB, who made you the neighborhood taste police? Geez.

04.02.12#9

Comment by GrandeMocha.

I like the lemonade stand idea!

04.02.12#10

Comment by Liz.

Does your watersprinkler reach her sunbathing spot? Tell her about the loose neiborhood dog that likes to fertilize her front lawn and suggest she move to her backyard. Mow your front yard during her sunbathing time, especially the part closest to her favoriate spot to lay out. Talk about the many small red ant hills you have seen in the yards lately. Ask if she has seen them too. Talk about the harmful uv rays and how quickly they age a woman. Notice she has gained a few pounds and suggest the new weight watchers program or excercise class at the gym.

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