Suppose you’re the product manager for Summer’s Eve. Yes, THE Summer’s Eve—the people famous for selling douchebags of the non-Jon Gosselin variety. And suppose one day you decide that in order to move your new products, you need to make vaginas fashionable. You know—because female sex organs are just so totally last year.
That’s why you launch a new campaign called “Hail To the V”, starring a hand pretending to be a talking vagina. I repeat: starring a hand pretending to be a talking vagina. As well as a website where interested parties can take vaginal quizzes, learn about vaginal power and download buttons that say, “THAT’S VAGINAL!” I don’t know about you, but I can not WAIT to ask my 65-year-old mother to Bedazzle that on a t-shirt for me. Then we’ll laugh and laugh and treat ourselves to some of the Summer’s Eve products specifically made to “pamper our vaginas.” No more Brillo pads and lye soap for MY bearded oyster, baby! My vagina’s puttin’ on The Ritz! We’s all fancy ‘n shit up in the Panty Hamster now!
But all kidding aside, I certainly don’t have a problem with this whole Vagina Power campaign. Sure, it’s tacky, disgusting and pointless, but so is everything Summer’s Eve makes. I mean, do you even know a single woman who actually puts “Douchebags!” on her shopping list? Because God knows if they did, the only thing they’d bring home would probably be wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt and a piece of crap Bluetooth. And maybe some jorts if it’s one of the classy variety douchebags.
That said, what I definitely do have a problem with is a vagina that’s racist. Like the the vaginas in the following commercials you may not believe you’re watching sober. The first stars an African-American vagina, the second stars a Latina vagina and the third is a vagina of the white-bread honky variety usually found in states with lots of cheese and talk radio listeners. Gird your loins and take a look, my friends. It’s something you’ve definitely never seen before.
Here’s “Lady Wowsa”:
Here’s “Leopard Thong”:
And here’s “BFF”:
Still with me? Or did you and your Wunder from Down Under just pass out from seeing so many ridiculous ethnic stereotypes being acted out by a f—ing hand vagina? I mean, WTF, Summer’s Eve? Paint with broad strokes much? Get your artistic sensibilities from Sanford & Son? For the love of God, your creative director makes Mel Gibson look like the president of the Malibu Multicultural society. It’s 2011, you idiots. We don’t DO this crap anymore.
I guess we can at least take solace in the fact that they’re not trying to reach the Jamaican market or we’d be treated to a hand vagina with dreadlocks and a spliff in her labia. Or the Asian market where the hand vagina would be balancing chop sticks on her clitoris and doing math problems. Or even worse, a French vagina who sticks a beret and a baguette in a place they really don’t belong—unless the vagina is under contract with a niche porn producer named Le Pervy Jacques, of course. Viva la vaginal difference, mon freres.
But at any rate, after seeing those commercials, me, my vagina and every other vagina I know will most certainly avoid Summer’s Eve and their vagina pampering from now on. Because not only are their products useless, but their ad campaign also happens to be borderline racist.
No, Summer’s Eve. That’s asshole.