21 Jul
Mouthing Off: The Racist Vaginas

Suppose you’re the product manager for Summer’s Eve. Yes, THE Summer’s Eve—the people famous for selling douchebags of the non-Jon Gosselin variety. And suppose one day you decide that in order to move your new products, you need to make vaginas fashionable. You know—because female sex organs are just so totally last year.

That’s why you launch a new campaign called “Hail To the V”, starring a hand pretending to be a talking vagina. I repeat: starring a hand pretending to be a talking vagina. As well as a website where interested parties can take vaginal quizzes, learn about vaginal power and download buttons that say, “THAT’S VAGINAL!” I don’t know about you, but I can not WAIT to ask my 65-year-old mother to Bedazzle that on a t-shirt for me. Then we’ll laugh and laugh and treat ourselves to some of the Summer’s Eve products specifically made to “pamper our vaginas.” No more Brillo pads and lye soap for MY bearded oyster, baby! My vagina’s puttin’ on The Ritz! We’s all fancy ‘n shit up in the Panty Hamster now!

But all kidding aside, I certainly don’t have a problem with this whole Vagina Power campaign. Sure, it’s tacky, disgusting and pointless, but so is everything Summer’s Eve makes. I mean, do you even know a single woman who actually puts “Douchebags!” on her shopping list? Because God knows if they did, the only thing they’d bring home would probably be wearing an Ed Hardy t-shirt and a piece of crap Bluetooth. And maybe some jorts if it’s one of the classy variety douchebags.

That said, what I definitely do have a problem with is a vagina that’s racist. Like the the vaginas in the following commercials you may not believe you’re watching sober. The first stars an African-American vagina, the second stars a Latina vagina and the third is a vagina of the white-bread honky variety usually found in states with lots of cheese and talk radio listeners. Gird your loins and take a look, my friends. It’s something you’ve definitely never seen before.

Here’s “Lady Wowsa”:

Here’s “Leopard Thong”:

And here’s “BFF”:

Still with me? Or did you and your Wunder from Down Under just pass out from seeing so many ridiculous ethnic stereotypes being acted out by a f—ing hand vagina? I mean, WTF, Summer’s Eve? Paint with broad strokes much? Get your artistic sensibilities from Sanford & Son? For the love of God,   your creative director makes Mel Gibson look like the president of the Malibu Multicultural society. It’s 2011, you idiots. We don’t DO this crap anymore.

I guess we can at least take solace in the fact that they’re not trying to reach the Jamaican market or we’d be treated to a hand vagina with dreadlocks and a spliff in her labia. Or the Asian market where the hand vagina would be balancing chop sticks on her clitoris and doing math problems. Or even worse, a French vagina who sticks a beret and a baguette in a place they really don’t belong—unless the vagina is under contract with a niche porn producer named Le Pervy Jacques, of course. Viva la vaginal difference, mon freres.

But at any rate, after seeing those commercials, me, my vagina and every other vagina I know will most certainly avoid Summer’s Eve and their vagina pampering from now on. Because not only are their products useless, but their ad campaign also happens to be borderline racist.

“THAT’S VAGINAL!”?

No, Summer’s Eve. That’s asshole.

 

 

80 Responses to “Mouthing Off: The Racist Vaginas”

07.22.11#1

Comment by Nancy Davis Kho.

What ISN’T a fun time for vagina-themed ads, really? The two young Marines and pubescent son sandwich might just take the cake, though.

07.22.11#2

Comment by Ann.

Slap me with a cleansing cloth one more time!

–Brittany Spears

(and EWWWWWWW)

Wendi Reply:

Yeah, I don’t know what they think women are doing in DA CLUB that they need to keep vaginal cleansing wipes in their purses.

Maybe I’m going to the wrong kind of clubs.

07.22.11#3

Comment by Elizabeth @claritychaos.

Ok, the paragraph about the Jamaican and Asian vaginas pushed me over the LOL threshold.

also? One of my sister-in-law’s claims to fame is that in a stand up benefit event starring Sarah Silverman, she played the voice of Sarah’s vagina. True story.

07.22.11#4

Comment by MarLyn.

I work in advertising and am simply aghast, yet giggling at the same time. Gotta wonder what the phone call to the talent agency was like. “Yeah, we need ethnically diverse hand models to be talking vaginas. No… they won’t be wearing lingerie. Yes, we realize there is a premium for nudity.”

07.22.11#5

Comment by Bert in Rice.

Of course Google picks up words to place targeted ads, so there — upper left corner under the Ask the Mouthy Housewives button– is an ad link for Summer’s Eve.

07.22.11#6

Comment by Vulvalicious.

Time for the anatomy lecture…the talking hand forms the outer labia, so “V” must be for vulva. The vagina is the passage leading from the opening of the vulva to the cervix of the uterus (the birth canal).

07.23.11#7

Comment by Becky.

I made my husband watch the videos (I mean — really — he doesn’t need to harvest crops in Farmville ALL day, does he?). Even he was disturbed by them.

He said “as a marketer, you’d never come up with anything this offensive and stupid, right?”.

No sweetie. I just save the offensive and stupid for my personal life.

07.23.11#8

Comment by tracy.

I’m just so glad my vagina doesn’t really talk. But now I’m worried about it.

07.23.11#9

Comment by Jana@AnAttitudeAdjustment.

I’m just horrified that people may still think it’s okay to try to wash their vaginas with some sort of product. That just seems so wrong to me. And painful. And besides how uncomfortable these ads made me feel, the writing is just so TERRIBLE! Summer’s Eve needs to get a new gig. Like bubble bath or something.

07.25.11#10

Comment by ellemck1.

Greetings from Vagina Land?!?!?!?! W.T.F.!!! If these ads are supposed to convince me to buy their crap, there’s no way it worked. I thought ads were supposed to make us want to buy their product, not make us run screaming the other direction. At least, that was the idea Don Draper always gave me. Who thought this up?

07.25.11#11

Comment by deborah l quinn.

In addition to being really confused by this entire advertisement (did they ASK any women if this campaign was a good idea?), I’m REALLY confused by the cactus in the opening shot of the Lady Wowza. So African Americans are cactii, Latinas are handbags, and white ladylabia are…little weird broken hearts? Eh? Despite the idiocy of the ad I would like to toast the brilliance of Bearded Hamster. Thought I’d heard all the words for “down there” but that one…that’s truly magnificent.

07.27.11#12

Comment by What We’re Reading This Week: July 27 - It Builds Character.

[…] blog posts, and whatever else we’ve found interesting to check out.HUMOR The Mouthy Housewives: Mouthing Off: The Racist VaginasThe 818: Doc, Are You Telling Me This Sucker’s Nuclear?The Flying Chalupa: Kegels for […]

08.11.11#13

Comment by cstargarner.

Colbert did a video reply to this. You need to see it! I’ll post the link but am not sure if it’ll get taken off like your videos.. but ppl can always google it! http://www.colbertnation.com/the-colbert-report-videos/393043/july-25-2011/vaginal-puppeteering-vs–d–k-scrub

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