08 Apr
Is There an Amber Alert for Missing Panties?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My brother was visiting us with his girlfriend over the weekend and I found a pair of her underwear under the bed after they left. I think that I should just throw it out and spare her the mortification, but when I mentioned it to my girlfriend, she thought that my reaction was odd and that I should just mail the pair to my brother’s girlfriend. What would you do?


Panties in Limbo


Dear Panties in Limbo,

The very first thing I would do is find a new gal pal. She thinks you’re odd, yet thinks nothing of stray panties arriving by mail. She probably thinks powdered-filled envelopes are quite fine too. I hope you aren’t on her holiday card list.

Next, I would closely examine the panties. Are they el cheapo Hanes packaged underwear? If so, they are easily replaced so toss them and save both you and your brother’s girlfriend the embarrassment.

However, if they appear be department store underwear that is stylish and sexy, yet look as if they do not crawl or wedge, that’s a more difficult situation. As a woman, I know sexy yet comfortable underwear is worth the current price of gold. Honest to god, I don’t know why such underwear isn’t traded on Wall Street, that is how valuable such a commodity it is.

I know what it is like to have panties go missing. In college, my boyfriend accidentally scooped up a pair of mine with his dirty clothes, visited his parents for a weekend with his dirty clothes, and guess what? His MOTHER did his laundry. Gah! She didn’t say anything, but I almost died from mortification when he discovered my underwear folded in with his clean clothes.   And then I practically gave myself a brain aneurysm trying to remember when I went back to my college apartment with no panties on. I may not remember that, but I do remember this lesson from college calculus: Frat parties + booze + boyfriends = missing underwear. (I’m like Brittany Spears, but with a college education.)

It happened again, years down the road when I was a respectable married woman (to that very same boyfriend!) We were visiting my family and I unknowingly left my FAVORITE pair of sexy, lacy black panties that do NOT creep or crawl: in other words, my stock market panties. Having found them a few weeks later, my mother accused my father of having an affair before they figured out they were my panties. Sadly, I had to burn those panties after the emotional pain they caused. It’s like they were cursed.

So should you toss your brother’s girlfriends panties or mail them to her? If there is one thing I’ve learned from my rogue panty experience, it’s that there’s always another pair of panties out there to be purchased, but there are some embarrassments that never go away. Especially after you’ve put them on the internet.


Heather, TMH

8 Responses to “Is There an Amber Alert for Missing Panties?”


Comment by wendi.

This makes me think of the book “Little Children” by Tom Perotta where the husband orders worn panties via the internet to get his rocks off.

But I’m not saying you should start a business like that. Not saying that at all.

amy Reply:

Cripes really? I could use some more play money 😉

But seriously, thanks for the laugh Heather and great advice.


Comment by the mama bird diaries.

Thanks for bring back that memory Wendi.

Ditch the underwear and never mention it. It will save her a ton of embarrassment.


Comment by Karen at French Skinny.

I had a pair of panties sneak out the window and “borrow” the car one night to go to a party. They woke up in some random’s house in Venice Beach and ended up at Denny’s eating a Moon Over My Hammy. Needless to say we haven’t spoken since the return of the car.


Comment by GrandeMocha.

Ah, the lament of the sorority girl, missing panties.


Comment by Erin at Im Gonna Kill Him.

A sorority sister of mine used to constantly get drunk like a skunk and wake up naked in the Campus Crusade for Christ house. They never once sent her clothes back. So, NOT sending is the Christian thing to do.


Comment by marathonmom.

Mail them to the MIL of the soon to be newlywed that asked for advice earlier…..about the “Mom” thing.

Kill 2 birds with one pair of panties!!


Comment by kmdguerra.

Oh jeez…Heather, I had the same thing happen, but vice versa. My boyfriend (now my husband) left his underwear at my apartment. My mom took home my laundry for me and then called me at 2 am screaming about his undies being in my laundry and that I was a slut. We didn’t talk for almost four months.

To the gal with the question…chunk them. Or if they’re really nice, maybe keep ’em yourself after you’ve washed them five times! Or not…because that is a bit weird, now that I think about it…

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