07 Mar
I’m A Nude Model With a Stiffy!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Hey! Not sure if you’ll be able to help me, but recently I’ve been doing nude modeling for a art class and I’ve been “standing to attention” midway through. It’s incredibly unprofessional and I’m sure no one signed up for that! Is there any cream or any advice that could keep it down? Please help if you can.

Signed,

Super (Nude) Model

_________________________________

Dear Super (Nude) Model,

You know, most days I just sit here at my desk, dreading the moment that I open up the Mouthy Housewives mailbag and pull out yet another in-law or Facebook problem to answer. But then you came along, you magnificent fully-erect bastard you, and saved me from myself. So, thank you. Thank you for being a bizarre, possibly dangerous and most likely inebriated and/or high-on-gluesticks letter writer! MWAH! I WUV YOU!

Now, I must confess that I’ve never nude modeled myself because it’s probably against Texas state law and I don’t want to be sent to Cowgirl Prison. (Although with my pretty hair and nice mouth, I’d mos def be crowned Miss Supreme Cell Block, am I right?) Anyway, I imagine that if I ever did model nude, I wouldn’t get “alert” like you. No, I’d be too busy yelling, “Christ on a cracker, it’s FREEZING in here! I hope you’re all good at drawing motherf*&@ing goosebumps, you artistic wieners, because that’s all you’re gettin’ from this naked idiot. Jeezus, people. PAY YOUR HEATING BILL! I’VE GOT ICY NIPS!”

Where was I? Ah, yes. The Honorable Swollen Member.

Schwing!

As far as I know, there aren’t any particular “creams” you can put on Mr. Woody to talk him down from the ceiling. It’s probably best to just check your Spam folder for that kind of info. But maybe one of these ideas will help you stay fabulously flaccid the next time you’re a modelin’ the bod:

— Think of Rush Limbaugh naked

— Think of Newt Gingrich naked

— Think of Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich naked—and doing hot Tai Chi together in a dog park while Kenny G serenades them on the pan flute

(Note: If any of the above actually excites you, please call 911 immediately and tell them you need a 5150*.)

Other Boner Stoppers include thinking of your mother in a leather catsuit, doing Chinese long division in your head, checking your body for irregular moles and worrying that one of the students is drawing you with boobs and hooves and will then create an animated character with your name that’ll soon be on TV and lunchboxes worldwide. (“HardOn Harry”!)

But maybe those shards of brilliance won’t work, so let’s open it up to the Peanut Gallery: Kids, what can Mr. Engorged do to stop pitching a tent during his Nudie Time? Any and all ideas welcome! (But please keep it clean as this is a Family Website and we do not wish to offend the morons with no sense of humor.) (Oh, wait. We do. Nevermind. Carry on then!)

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

*Involuntary psychiatric hold

22 Responses to “I’m A Nude Model With a Stiffy!”

03.07.12#1

Comment by A.

Whew. What’s catching mini me’s attention? Someone? Or is it the slow aroused realization that people are scrutinizing every inch of your body and turning it into art (THAT came out more breath-y than intended)?

I would love to know what the reaction to Mister standing at attention is…horror? Fascination? Lots of erasing and redraw?

03.07.12#2

Comment by Brett Minor.

I’ve been trying to get my nerve up to go to a nudist gathering. I just want to do it once to say I did it, but have been wondering about the same thing. What to do if that happens? Is it bad form? Is it to be expected?

The thinking of unappealing thoughts (as suggested) is the only thing I can think of, but I would think the mind would get tired of that after a while.

There are some drugs that have the side effect of being unable to ‘stand at attention.’ MAYBE!!!

03.07.12#3

Comment by nava.

I get the feeling that he is only ever naked in sexual situations, so if I had his problem I would practice being naked (and non-sexual) outside of the modeling gig.
As far as going to nudist gatherings, I grew up going to nudist parks and never, ever saw anyone standing at attention. That said, nudists are very understanding if someone feels the need to re-dress šŸ˜‰

Avprobeauty Reply:

this is an excellent suggestion, I agree with the sentiment that he should practice being nude in un sexual situations… and maybe spanking the monkey before you get into the shoot would relieve the issue of the erection.

03.07.12#4

Comment by Marinka.

Thinking about dead puppies, piled on high, usually kills my erection.

03.07.12#5

Comment by Badexamples.

The key is a “preemptive strike” against the offending member. Take some time at home to beat yourself into submission, as it were, and you should be golden.

Wowza Reply:

I love you!

03.07.12#6

Comment by N and Em's mom.

This may be a big deal only to you. Talk to the professor leading the class to see if this is an issue and ask him/her to turn down the thermostat.

03.07.12#7

Comment by Plano Mom.

Personally I’d prefer drawing an erect member. Looks prettier. Why would that be a problem? Part of art is subjective – perhaps any offended artist can put a fig leaf on it.

03.07.12#8

Comment by Chelle.

You could do what George did in Seinfeld and go for a swim in a really cold pool right before your modeling gig. Isn’t there shrinkage or something when exposed to cold water? Maybe just a cold shower before? Just a thought.

admin Reply:

Genius.

03.07.12#9

Comment by Elle @elletheheiress.

I’m just wondering, is Chinese long division different form American long division?

admin Reply:

Something to think about the next time you’re aroused.

03.07.12#10

Comment by Tiny Balls of Awesome.

I use to work for a “ladies only” private party company that sold items for the bedroom. Ok…I was a vibe peddler. We had a product called prolonging cream that you would rub on your little soldier’s hat to numb things a bit so you could perform longer. I called it my minute-man cure. As responsible sex reps we always were sure to warn that if this numbing cream found its way to other areas of “Mr. Happy”, things would go south and not return for several hours. Maybe a little dab’ll do ya? Just a thought.

admin Reply:

Wow! Who knew?

03.07.12#11

Comment by VG.

put a weight on it

Avprobeauty Reply:

awesome.

03.07.12#12

Comment by DogsOnDrugs.com.

Next time it happens, just turn around and take care of business. You won’t have to worry about nude modeling problems ever again.

03.07.12#13

Comment by Amelia.

First, I love this post. Second, you could write something really mortifying on the underside of your little Picasso… like “Don’t blame me, I voted for Bush”, or “Made in Taiwan”. Then, the sheer terror of public humiliation should make the fella stay nice and relaxed, hiding your unfortunate secret.

03.07.12#14

Comment by rojopaul.

I just like that the path where this is saved goes under “wtf.” Hilarious advice, Wendi, and the comments are great too. Putting a weight on it might be my favorite comment. ha ha ha

03.09.12#15

Comment by Wowza.

These are the best comments I’ve ever read on this site!
Preemptive strike had me dying!

04.25.14#16

Comment by dildo.

Wow, superb blog layout! How long have you been blogging for?
you made blogging look easy. The overall look of your site is fantastic, as well as
the content!

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