28 Jul
Dear Google: WTF?

If you have been blogging for any length of time, chances are that you have discovered the joys of looking at your statistics.   Statistics tell you where your readers are from, how long these readers spend on your masterpiece of a site and how they got to your blog.

We love looking at the Google searches that have led readers to The Mouthy Housewives, and we have compiled some of the best ones here for your enjoyment. (Inspired by Mom 101′s classic post.)

So, enjoy!  And if you’ve gotten any doozies, let us know.

how do porn actresses keep their anus pink

Fresh air is essential to a healthy, ruddy complexion!

should single lady make friends with other singles, or hang out with married couples

Depends.   Whoever has the pinkest anus.

windows smell like vomit

Bottle that scent!

can you keep your job after having sex with coworker

Yes.  Especially if you’re a porn star.

I feel uncomfortable when my stepdaughter sits on my husband’s lap

We feel uncomfortable reading about it.

daughter doesnt shave her armpits

As long as your son is shaving his, don’t worry about it!

wives taking money husband’s wallet

And using it to buy things.

www.google.com.au – my teenager doesn’t like school

There’s one on every continent!

MY HUSBANDS FRIEND HAS MADE ME PREGNANT

WE WOULDN’T SHOUT THAT FROM THE ROOFTOPS!

housewives with girlfriend having sex

Yeah, you’re going to be really disappointed with our site.

 having a garge sale without losing your mind

Urban myth.   Can’t be done.

is my boyfriend cheating or am i just paranoid
Totally paranoid. DON’T LOOK UNDER THE BED.

i just started high school and this girl is copying me

It’s going to be a long four years.

can i change my child’s godparents

Yes, but it requires divine intervention.

my neighbor can see me naked

If only they’d invent some kind of  magical things that prevented people from looking into their neighbors’ windows.

is crazy sex normal

No, dumbass.  It’s crazy.

step daughter took mom’s vibrator

You’d think that Hallmark would make a card for every occasion.  And yet.

how to deal with a mean moms

Very carefully. Especially if you took their vibrators.

sex i heve diner with my frends husband

Bon appetit, you whoer.

 if i leave my puppy alone how sad will he be?

Oh, I don’t know. Puppy-dog-eyes-sad?

Happy Googling!

17 Responses to “Dear Google: WTF?”

07.28.11#1

Comment by Cheryl D..

Those were great! My google traffic flow lists never have anything funny in them.

07.28.11#2

Comment by Back Up Plan.

[...] wonder about what crazy ass Google searches we get over at The Mouthy Housewives?  No?  Well, now that I’ve mentioned it, are you wondering?  They’re not [...]

07.28.11#3

Comment by Cheryl.

I’ve never looked at my Google analytics. My Ligit searches fall into 2 main categories: “buzz cuts for women” and “happy joy love peace.” Ima gonna have to check the Google stuff because, dear lord, there must be more to life than happy, joy, love, peace, and buzz cuts.

07.28.11#4

Comment by MJ.

I really did lol on… MY HUSBANDS FRIEND HAS MADE ME PREGNANT. Great post and now I know what I will be writing about tomorrow!

07.28.11#5

Comment by Heather.

LOL!

My craziest are “want a spankin” and “ass vs. dora.”

07.28.11#6

Comment by Marie.

Oh dear, I better go check my own stats. Maybe anonymity is best.

07.28.11#7

Comment by Muffintopmommy.

Oh those be some greatest hits! Me love them long time…wait, wait. I’m talking in google search talk by accident. I get lots of whackadoo ones, but my fave recurring one is:
muffin top porn.

Because really? That’s hot. Never mind that I’ve been known to blog about racy topics like crock pots, Tarjay, and hating on Walgreen’s…it’s all about the muffin top porn.

In conclusion….Sir your blog is beautiful and contributes great.

07.28.11#8

Comment by The Flying Chalupa.

Wow. It’s hard to top the pink anus, that’s all I have to say.

I’m just happy to see that you’re helping so many people, Mouthy Housewives. Well done!

07.28.11#9

Comment by Evin Cooper.

I just got one that made me totally paranoid “nasty comments Ree Drummond” – I thought OMG what if PW thinks I’m talking shit about her?? I could be excommunicated! I have no idea how that lead to my blog, I posted something ABOUT Ree but it certainly was not nasty.

07.28.11#10

Comment by Tracy.

Wait a second, you mean everybody’s anus ISN’T pink?!

07.28.11#11

Comment by Alexis@TroublesomeTots.

Excellent list!
I have to share one of my other all time favorite “you found my site with WHAT term?” post (post contains language – just in case you’re bothered by that sort of thing)….

http://thisisnotthatblog.com/2011/05/24/bear-suits-make-everything-better/

07.29.11#12

Comment by HellTygr.

Of course, by quoting all these, you’ve guaranteed MHW to be the top hit for those search terms now.

Which may not be a bad thing…. except for the new ones that combine the best of all of them. Because just the other day, I was searching for “My pink puppy smells like vomit and wants to have sex with my friend’s husband at high school garage sale” and there were no results.

07.29.11#13

Comment by Raine (@MamaRants).

I get some disturbing ones too, especially considering I blogged about the “Go the F* to Sleep” book and the creepy fake Kia ads last month.

Right now, about 1/2 of my top 50 keywords involve either profanity or sexual creepiness, and I really don’t blog about that sort of stuff.

Others include:
“a scared pregnant woman in labour”
“roller derby bra blog”
“hoarder badge”
“just scrubbing him peanut butter”
“I did it because cartoons”
“wife’s monster postnatal depression”
and
“where’s my ups truck”

07.29.11#14

Comment by amymckinney@yahoo.com.

Hilarious! Love your site!!!

07.29.11#15

Comment by Nona.

Someone just looked in my office to see if I was OK because I was laughing so hard.

Some people just can’t mind their own business.

07.30.11#16

Comment by Leighann.

OH I wish my google searches were this interesting.
This was hilarious!!

09.28.11#17

Comment by Anne-Marie.

I write pretty much exclusively on my blog about learning Portuguese.

Somehow, my one post where I posted a pic of some naked brazilian girls and said “Damn, they’re ineffective” (as in, not effective in getting people to enroll in Portuguese class) in the caption has been the genesis of the bulk of traffic to my site. Holy moley, must those people be depressed when they get to my blog, which is pretty much just comedic complaints about Portuguese not being famous enough.

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