Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am 22-years-old and currently living and working in Holland with my Dutch boyfriend. In September, I am moving to Scotland to go to university. My boyfriend has been desperately trying to get a job in Edinburgh so we can live together, but hasn’t had any luck. This means I’m now facing the prospect of living alone.
My parents are paying the rent so that they can come up and stay in the spare room on the weekends (meaning, no option of a roommate). My problem is that I am so, so scared! I hate being by myself when I’m at home and the prospect of living alone makes me hyperventilate. How will I be able to get up in the dark in the middle of the night?! I am considering buying a nightlight and a TV for every room in the house to stop me being afraid. Please help.
Dear Scaredy Cat,
After reading your question as a 40-something mother who hasn’t had even a single moment to herself all freaking summer, I have one question for you: Wanna trade? Because you sound like someone who’d actually enjoy having people stand outside the bathroom door yelling your name while you pee, so maybe we could—crap. Excuse me just a sec, will you?
I SAID LEAVE ME ALONE! MOMMY’S TRYING TO WRITE! YES, I AM! YES, I AM! WHAT’S THAT? NO, YOU CAN’T COME IN HERE! BECAUSE I SAID SO! WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU’RE BLEEDING? WHERE? IS IT AN ARTERY? THEN JUST RUB SOME DIRT ON IT AND BE QUIET! I SAID DIRT, NOT PUDDING! JUST LEAVE ME ALONE FOR TWO SECONDS, OK? OK?! OMG, WHY IS THIS MY LIFE, GOD?
Sorry about that. Let’s go back to your problem of living all alone in a beautiful, clean Scottish apartment, shall we? It sounds so SCARY.
But all kidding aside, it’s perfectly normal to be a bit nervous about living alone for the first time. However, you’re living in Edinburgh, which my (Wikipedia) research tells me is a fairly safe city. Seriously, per the crime statistics, the most common offense is “Dishonesty.” You’re not exactly living in Hell’s Kitchen here, baby. Your biggest risk is getting hurt by a fib.
Of course, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t still use common sense, so always keep your doors and windows locked and never, ever open the door for anyone you don’t know. Maybe even have your dad install a motion detection light on your porch, too. Open eyes and ears are key.
Other thoughts are a self defense class, a dog who likes to bark and/or a baseball bat and some pepper spray near your side of the bed. (But beware of pepper spray in your nightstand. Let’s just say it’s easy to grab it at the wrong moment.) Also, get to know your neighbors and trust that you’ll all look out for each other.
But most of all, try to relax. Paranoia can be your best friend, but it can also drive you crazy so don’t let it. Living alone is a great, freeing experience and one you should try to enjoy while you still can.
I SAID I’M ALMOST DONE IN HERE! YES, I DID! WHAT? YOU DID WHAT TO THE CAT? RUB SOME DIRT ON IT!