17 Aug
A Match Made In (Something Slightly South Of) Heaven

hello mouth housewife,

my name is juliet. i am a lady

i saw your profile today on this dating site and became interested in you so i will like us to be friend,

please send your email address to my box so that i will send my picture to you and tell you more about me. i wait your email.



Dear Juliet,

Wow—what an exciting email to receive! We were just so completely flattered and thrilled when we saw this land in our Mouthy Housewives mailbox. After all, it’s not every day that we have someone tell us that they’d like us to be friend. You are just such a sweetheart, Juliet A Lady! Such a (grammatically challenged and possibly a little slow) sweetheart!

Now, we have to admit that we’re a tad confused as which dating site had our glamorous profile listed. Was it Swifferbitches.com? HotCougarMuffinTops.com? Or our old standby Guns-n-Ammo.com?

Sorry to ask, but it’s really hard for us to keep track of how many online identities we create in a single day. Why, Heather and Marinka have been working non-stop all summer long to make sure we haven’t missed even a single Latin Americans Over 80 dating website. (Next up: China and the Canary Islands!)

Anyway, per your request, we will most certainly send an email to “your box” as soon as we can. We can’t wait to see your picture and exact measurements and oddly shaped birthmarks and…what’s that? Sorry, Juliet, but Kelcey just stomped into the Mouthy Housewives HQ to give me a little folded note. Probably something about how cute I look in these espadrilles today, but—oh, no. Oh, f*ck. Hold the phone, babe. It seems that Kelcey and the rest of the Housewives all figured out “a long ass time ago” that your email was…SPAM. Dear Lord. SPAM!   Well, color me red in the face, Juliet! You don’t want to be friend after all, you just want to trick us into some sort of nefarious internet dealings wherein we lose our homes and have to live in an un-airconditioned box under the freeway! Thanks a lot, you lower case loser! Thanks a LOT!

So consider this your good-bye, Juliet A Lady. We wish it could have worked out between us, but it seems that the Mouthy Housewives are far too savvy to fall for silly scams like yours. Far. Too. Savvy!

And now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get ready for the party we’re throwing tonight for a Nigerian Prince. We think he’s just going to love it!


Wendi, TMH

13 Responses to “A Match Made In (Something Slightly South Of) Heaven”


Comment by Nicole.

Oh Wendi, good thing Kelcey has your back. Be careful out there. But can you give me advice on the best dating sites, you know, just in case…


Comment by Kali Capps.

I guess my invite got lost in the mail.


Comment by From Belgium.

I think I know her…


Comment by neena.

“hot cougar muffin tops” – HAHAHA!!!!!


Comment by A Mom on Spin.

I think she’s Russian. Marinka’s momma sent her to be your friend, of course!


Comment by Cait.

I got a similar email from “wendy. i am a pretty lady.” I have to admit, it made me think a little of you, Wendi. What do you say we drop our spam pals and hang out with a box of Chardonay and a bag of crack mix? I’ll bet the Nigerian prince won’t mind if we take over the palace for a couple of days 🙂


Comment by BettyLies.

Now I’ve got Tom Jones – “She’s a Lady” – going through my head. Excuse me while I throw my panties.


Comment by Kristin.



Comment by dusty earth mother.

I have nothing funny to add because I.am.laughing.so.hard.


Comment by MillionMama.

I read this at work over a stupid (read: not french fries) salad and it nearly came out my nose. Then I went to my email and sent Julia a note telling her it’s over because I thought we were exclusive.


Comment by Tonya.

OMG I have gotten like 5 of these this week! I thought perhaps it was because my husband keeps writing my email address on bathroom walls…and also, I’m easy. But I guess there’s some sort of love shortage going on?


Comment by vodka tonic.

“Mouth Housewife.” I give my husband those, you know, to prep him to do my bidding.


Comment by subWOW.

Although this turned out to be spam, please reconsider the potential for a “Hot Cougar Muffin Tops” Dating site. You will be serving an under-served market segment!

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