09 Dec
The Mouthy Housewives’ First Annual Holiday Gift Guide

The Mouthy Housewives know that this holiday season is about family, tradition and togetherness.

Hahahahaha! We’re so funny, aren’t we?! Okay, let’s get serious.

The Mouthy Housewives know that this holiday season is about GIFTS, yo!

And, as always, we’re here to help! In the form of our very first Holiday Gift Guide for those very-special-someones on your list! (Our lawyers insisted that you sign some waivers before taking our recommendations on these, but pshaw! We like to live on the edge, baby!) So here we go! Gift time!

For your brother’s new wife:

I Heart My husband t-shirt

"And you can always "x" out the heart if he gets on your nerves!"


For your pain in the ass co-worker:

"Get it? It's a mug and a toilet! Ha! I thought of you as soon as I saw it! Sanka?"

Toilet Bowl Mug (Affiliate link) ((So buy a couple.))


For a hostess gift:

"I'll have a whiskey SOUR, please!"


For your BFF, who may or may not be Courteney Cox:

"Apply where the sun don't shine!"


For your no-longer-affiliated-with-PETA BFF:

"I'm not a pet, dumbass, I'm a clutch!"

Christian Louboutin Anstasia Fox Fur Clutch/Pet. Only $2,345!


For Your Favorite Tea Party Member:

"Please wash me by hand. Thank you."

A Swarovski teacup. Under $700 and anti-government!


For the mom in your kid’s class who sends her kid to school with a fever:

A bacteria necklace. What’s that around your neck? STAPH, baby!


For your PTA nemesis:

A crowbar to help her get her head out of her, um, you know.


For your kid’s obnoxious friend:

A new babysitter! (Heroin & herpes cold sores not included.)


For your mother-in-law:

A sweet teddy bear! (Oops! How did all those pins get in there? Ouchie!)


For your ex’s new girlfriend:

So they know what they're kissing. Hmmm?

Bacon Lip Balm, $3.99. Their faces after they kiss: Priceless.


For your favorite reality star:

A Hidey Hole! Get inside, Kardashians! And Teen Moms! And close the lid! Good luck! Hope you can breathe! 🙂

(Hidey hole’s resemblance to a Georgia O’Keeffe painting is completely unintentional, but totally awesome.)

For your therapist:

A comfy therapist is a happy therapist!

Freudian Slippers! $24.95 (Just deduct the cost from your next session & then tell us how that makes you feel.)


For your hot mailman:

We only wish Jack would go postal on us. Rwor! Lick my stamp, Jack! LICK MY STAMP! Oh, God, I'm being delivered!

The Postman Always Rings Twice DVD from Amazon.  


For your favorite Mouthy Housewife:

What? Oh! Sorry! We thought it was the 80’s! Is this better?


Oh, who are we kidding? Get us one of each! They’re little! (Well, hopefully not too little. Oh, no, we di’int! YES, WE DID!)

Happy shopping!

13 Responses to “The Mouthy Housewives’ First Annual Holiday Gift Guide”


Comment by Adventures In Babywearing.

OMG I thought that clutch was a dog. AND give me Burt Reynolds! 🙂



Comment by Becky.

You saved me the trouble of having to generate a list myself. Many thanks!


Comment by Bitchin' Amy.

“I’m being delivered!!” Made me actually laugh out loud in the middle of some coffee shop. And as for that Burt Reynolds poster…




Easily the best gift guide of the season.


Comment by Wendi.

Fun fact: I put that poster of Burt (ripped out of Cosmopolitan magazine) on my parents’ closet & it stayed there for 10 years. We think of him as a member of the family now, but just when he’s naked.


Comment by Plano Mom.

Burt, definitely. Goes with Manilow.

That clutch looks like a dog I used to babysit when I was in college. She was fed on antique china.


Comment by Ragtop.

Since you’re my new bestie, you’re going to give me Burt, right? Tantrum: I waaaant Burrrt!!


Comment by Alexandra.

We only wish Jack would go postal on us. Rwor! Lick my stamp, Jack! LICK MY STAMP!

You guys know how to make me laugh.


Comment by Cheryl.

I wish you’d put this up earlier so I could have saved $1.01. I just spent $5 for Acoutrements Bacon Lip Balm about a week ago. Got some Bacon Mints too. Guess what all my pork-lovin’ friends are getting for the holidays?


Comment by Meredith L..

The sad thing is, I can totally see my stoner Baby Boomer dad buying that peeing Santa for HIMSELF and showing it off when people come over. *sigh*

Plano Mom Reply:

There’s hope for me if you think of your stoner baby boomer dad with such patient fondness.

Meredith L. Reply:

…if by “patient fondness” you mean therapy and anti-depressants, then yes. Fully.


Comment by Peajaye.

I’m pretty sure that photo of Burt is from the ’70’s, not the ’80’s, if my adolescent memory serves me well. (Yeah, April 1972, just looked it up.) Burt was my gateway drug.


Comment by The Housewives Help You Pack For The Holidays! | The Mouthy Housewives.

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