07 Dec
Santa Claus Is Coming To Bargain Town

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My son wants Santa to bring a very expensive toy. It’s $250! Apparently, the recession hasn’t affected Santa requests. There is no way this toy is going to happen, but my son will not suggest another gift he might like from Santa. How can I convince him that Santa can’t bring a $250 toy when, in his mind, Santa’s elves make all of the toys, which makes them free?

Signed,

The Real Santa

_________________________________

Dear The Real Santa,

Christmas is a magical time of year, is it not? The presents, the family togetherness, the plopping of your screaming child onto the lap of a $9 an hour mall employee who’s wearing nothing but a gallon of Paco Rabanne cologne and cheap velvet pants….why, it’s just delightful! And what better way to celebrate than by ending the innocence of a sweet youngster by not getting him the present he wants? In your FACE, kid! TV has been lying to you! Santa is a MYTH, sucka! WE ALL DIE ALONE! ALONE!

(Too much?)

Now, you didn’t say how old your son is, but if he’s over 10, you’re being gamed, girlfriend. If he’s under 10, just who the hell makes a $250 toy for someone who probably can’t tie his shoes without help? Crazyass toy makers.

But I certainly understand your dilemma, so here are a few reasons to give your son as to why Santa’s not delivering the expensive toy of his dreams:

1. Santa saw you licking the toilet when you were two and has never forgotten about it.

2. Santa is embroiled in a rather nasty palimony suit with Mrs. Claus’ dimwitted cousin Snowflake Rodriguez and has therefore cut back on manufacturing.

3. Santa refused to give in to the Elf Union’s demands for a Peach Schnapps fountain in the breakroom and now the little bastards are trying to hitchhike from the North Pole to L.A. so they can get a job on Chelsea Lately.

4. Santa has black lung disease.

Or, just tell your son that Santa’s workshop doesn’t have the equipment to make the $250 toy. Instead, Santa knows he’ll like a couple of toys that are even more fun—toys that he’s picked out especially for him. Your son will probably whine a little, but hopefully that’ll all stop on Christmas morning when he runs downstairs, looks under the tree and sees all of the rocks and sticks Santa left just for him.

And then you can show him your new $250 iTouch.

Happy holidays one and all!

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

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9 Responses to “Santa Claus Is Coming To Bargain Town”

12.07.10#1

Comment by Becky K.

We tell our children that you can ask Santa for anything you could think of but you get what he brings you and it may not be what you asked for. Santa knows best what you should get. Besides, it is not about asking for something and then getting everything you want, that would be obnoxious. Kids need to learn that you don’t just snap a finger and poof all your wishes come true. I tell my kids that if Santa does not bring it, you are welcome to start saving your money and earn it yourself. My 7 year old son has saved for months for several items he wanted and was very proud to walk into that toy store and purchase it himself.

12.07.10#2

Comment by AMotherhoodBlog.

When it comes to Christmas in our house our kids make Christmas lists and we have as well always told them that Santa chooses the gift and to be happy with what you get. My children are still young but I don’t want them growing up thinking they’ll get what they want no matter what. Life isn’t like that and kids should be taught christmas is about giving, caring and sharing together as a family.

I would explain to your son that Santa will try his best but don’t ever guarantee he’ll get exactly what he wants.

12.07.10#3

Comment by GrandeMocha.

My son has asked Santa for a puppy, a sister, and a talking mouse like Stewart Little. He has been disappointed many times by Santa. It is a lesson that will serve him well in life. As Mick Jagger says, “You can’t always get what you want!”

12.07.10#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

We said that Santa never upstages parents. That an awesome gift of that size is something Mom and Dad get to give. And I made sure there was something from Santa that was unexpected, but awesome.

12.07.10#5

Comment by Sarah W..

My son also wanted a $250 toy for Chanukah – apparently he has rich friends whose parents could care less about their 9 year old having a toy that costs the same as my electric bill. I scored one off Craigslist for $60. Looks decent enough, he doesn’t know the difference and he’s thrilled. I’m a cheap hero. Everybody wants to be me.
Good luck!

12.07.10#6

Comment by Roshni.

There’s a website called Portable North Pole where you fill in some basic info about your child (age, gender etc), what he/she have asked for and whether he/she have been good and deserve it or not. Then you get a personalized video of a Santa talking to your child about his gift. That might convince him better than you could!!

12.07.10#7

Comment by Wendi.

Wow–I didn’t think anyone could improve on my Snowflake Rodriguez advice, but you’re all giving some great suggestions here.

12.07.10#8

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Wendi, you are a genius. I’m totally stealing “Santa Claus has black lung disease”. Uh… what was the question?

04.26.11#9

Comment by Here Comes Peter Cottontail! Oh, Wait. It's My MOm. | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] probably also suspects that a fat man in a red suit isn’t really able to chimney dive every December 24th, and that’s why her […]

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