05 Jan
Hazy Shade Of Winter

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

What’s the deal with winter beauty maintenance? Am I required to keep the toes polished, the lady parts trimmed and manicured and the legs shaved? I’ve sort of lost my mojo to keep everything in order since it’s always under a big bulky sweater anyway. Do I owe it to my husband to get things under control? I’d ask my friends but I’m too embarrassed. Please help.


Hibernating Heidi


Dear Hibernating Heidi,

I was just sitting here in front of the fire, braiding my leg hair and twirling my winter mustache, when I happened upon your letter. What great timing! Let me just push this bushy unibrow out of my eyes so we   can discuss your issue in more detail.

Now, I’m assuming from your question that you don’t live somewhere like California or Florida where babescaping is de rigueur no matter what month of the year.   I mean, I hear those sunbelt ladies even wear thong bikinis on Christmas Day. (And that’s how they end up on Santa’s “very, very nice” list.)

But since you’re living in the blustery hinterlands, I’m sure your main goal each winter is to just stay warm and not get your tongue stuck on a metal railing. Beauty be damned! And while this is an understandable approach, it happens to be one I would caution against for a couple of reasons.

First, even though your husband may say it’s okay that you haven’t shaved or exfoliated in months, trust me when I tell you that whenever you’re in an intimate embrace, the word running through his head isn’t “Goddess.” It’s “SASQUATCH.” As my mother always says, it’s never good to be the hairiest person in a relationship.

Second, taking a break from your beauty routine now will only cost you later. I learned this myself last spring when I went to the spa after letting myself go for a few months. Here’s an actual transcript of my bikini wax that day:

Me: Why does this hurt so much more than usual?

Waxer: Because you let it get too long over the winter and now I have to work overtime like a f*cking Teamster because your vajayjay looks like a deranged Chia Pet. RIIIIPPPPPPP!


And I don’t even want to tell you what my nail person said when she saw the barnacles and lichen growing on my heels.

So my advice, Heidi, is to spend at least a little time on your beauty this winter. Your husband (and your waxer) will thank you.


Wendi, TMH

10 Responses to “Hazy Shade Of Winter”


Comment by Lisa Rae @ smacksy.

Excellent advice.

How do you say “barnacles and lichen” in Vietnamese? I’m pretty sure that’s my nickname with the ladies at Kim Nails.


Comment by miswiggie.

Drats. You HAD to go post this on the interwebs for all to see! Now all the men can say “See? It says you HAVE to, right here…”

I was really enjoying the extra insulation from the leg hair, too.


Comment by Plano Mom.

You don’t have to go all the way, just maintain. For example, the moustache always has to go, but if you hide behind some ski goggles, you can get away with a unibrow. You should shave your armpits, but can go an extra day or two on the legs. And as far as the pedi? Well for me, on the first day of winter the socks go on and the do NOT come off for anything. So why bother?


Comment by K-Line.

What a great response. Hilarious – and practical.


Comment by Lynn.

I agree with Piano Mom. Serious landscaping (or babescaping) is for vacation to warm locales or summertime. Otherwise, the Hubster and deal with a little extra peach fuzz.

Although I could use a pedi, if only for the foot rub and nail shaping.


Comment by WeaselMomma.

Damn! I always went with the fashion of ‘in winter, Chewbacca is the new black’. Now I have to leave that delusion behind.


Comment by fraujoolie.

I’m in LA, and let me tell you, the gals at the gym have quite the bearded clams. The women in Detroit are much neater through the winter, and they need the insulation.


Comment by MommyTime.

My theory is: if it doesn’t bug me, he has to deal with it. So, I use one of those great pedi heel scrubber things (like faux pumice stone) every day in the shower to keep the feet smooth, and I do the underarms because they itch, and the rest of the hair gets removed far more irregularly. Legs? Faugh! Why bother in winter except once every 2-3 weeks so you don’t end up in epilady hell? It’s not exactly what Wendy says, but it seems good enough. (Also, if you wax or epilady, the “stubble” isn’t actually prickly at all on your legs, so in bed in the dark, he’s unlikely to notice.)


Comment by amy.

Dear Housewives,

This leads me to wonder how many of us women are au’naturel under our panties and how many are, ahem, bald?

Rather curious now..


Comment by My Manicure is Not a Waste of Money | The Mouthy Housewives.

[…] I totally sympathize with you. I love to get an occasional manicure and see it as Necessary Pampering. Unfortunately the Treasury has yet to recognize this budget item […]

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