Dear Mouthy Housewives,
What’s the deal with winter beauty maintenance? Am I required to keep the toes polished, the lady parts trimmed and manicured and the legs shaved? I’ve sort of lost my mojo to keep everything in order since it’s always under a big bulky sweater anyway. Do I owe it to my husband to get things under control? I’d ask my friends but I’m too embarrassed. Please help.
Dear Hibernating Heidi,
I was just sitting here in front of the fire, braiding my leg hair and twirling my winter mustache, when I happened upon your letter. What great timing! Let me just push this bushy unibrow out of my eyes so we can discuss your issue in more detail.
Now, I’m assuming from your question that you don’t live somewhere like California or Florida where babescaping is de rigueur no matter what month of the year. I mean, I hear those sunbelt ladies even wear thong bikinis on Christmas Day. (And that’s how they end up on Santa’s “very, very nice” list.)
But since you’re living in the blustery hinterlands, I’m sure your main goal each winter is to just stay warm and not get your tongue stuck on a metal railing. Beauty be damned! And while this is an understandable approach, it happens to be one I would caution against for a couple of reasons.
First, even though your husband may say it’s okay that you haven’t shaved or exfoliated in months, trust me when I tell you that whenever you’re in an intimate embrace, the word running through his head isn’t “Goddess.” It’s “SASQUATCH.” As my mother always says, it’s never good to be the hairiest person in a relationship.
Second, taking a break from your beauty routine now will only cost you later. I learned this myself last spring when I went to the spa after letting myself go for a few months. Here’s an actual transcript of my bikini wax that day:
Me: Why does this hurt so much more than usual?
Waxer: Because you let it get too long over the winter and now I have to work overtime like a f*cking Teamster because your vajayjay looks like a deranged Chia Pet. RIIIIPPPPPPP!
And I don’t even want to tell you what my nail person said when she saw the barnacles and lichen growing on my heels.
So my advice, Heidi, is to spend at least a little time on your beauty this winter. Your husband (and your waxer) will thank you.