30 Dec
Happy New Year’s Resolutions!

It’s that time again! We bid farewell to the old year, greet the new and make resolutions that are both unrealistic and unattainable! 2012 is going to be huge!

This year we’re putting our Mouthy Housewives twist on it by offering some of our personal New Years Resolutions and we hope that writing them down will make us stick to them. Out of fear of public mocking, if nothing else. So let’s go:

In 2012, Marinka resolves to:

Stop saying 44 is the new 27! And not just because she’ll turn 44 and 12 months in 2012.

Acknowledge that she will never be able to say “dope” “phat” “ya’ll” “beyach” or any other word that’s not indigenous to her.

Ease up on the “I’m sort of a vegan” proclamations. Especially while fondling a BigMac.

Wendi resolves to:

Finally tell the mean wench in her neighborhood that if she’s going to wear a tennis skirt every day, she should at least own a mothereffin’ racket.

Stop pronouncing “self-deprecating” like “self-depreeciating.”

Cook one entire meal that doesn’t involve either a) the microwave or b) a powder packet or c) sobbing by a family member.

Continue to look like Tracey Gold’s DUI mugshot because that’s just hot.

Tonya resolves to:

Stop trying to convince salespeople their jeans are defective due to the massive excess “skinnage” that is created when she forces herself into a size 4. (She could wear a size 4! You don’t know!)

Cease and desist all efforts to contact, hang out with, and, or, become BFFs with Lindsay Lohan. Probably.

Find a better place to hide the bodies. The folks at CVS are starting to pay more attention to their freezer section.

Amp up her total “Gangsta” image with a stint on the inside. Or, at least, just say she did a nickel.

Kristine resolves to:

Finally get around to canceling that gym membership!

Read more. Starting with her bank statements. And maybe OK! Magazine.

Spend more quality time with the children. And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.

Kelcey resolves:

To order less sushi. Because she has a kitchen. With a stove and stuff.

To go to bed earlier so she can be less cranky during the day. Because it’s not necessary to be up at 12:30 am comparing prices on flights to Paris. Because she’s not going to Paris.   For a very long time.

To be a little more kind to her husband. Because saying things like, “How is it possible that you still don’t know what the kids eat for lunch?! Seriously, HOW IS IT POSSIBLE?!” is apparently not loving.


Please share your New Year’s Resolutions with us. We can be strong together in the New Year!

12 Responses to “Happy New Year’s Resolutions!”


Comment by karena.

To quit using the word douchebag in front of the kids. Cuz the baby called her daddy one for not letting her have another cookie. (You doochbach! was pretty freaking hilarious, though!)

To eat better, get more exercise, etc

To put out to the hubby more often. He did, afterall, get the vasectomy when i got pregnant, unexpectedly, with the baby. I supposed that deserves some kind of reward. I mean, he did let another man fondle his sack and go after it with a scalpel. While a hot nurse watched. (Seriously, she was hot as hell. She looked like Jessica Rabbit)

To make more time for myself.


Comment by Jenee.

To lose weight, blah, blah, blah…how unoriginal, huh?


Comment by Marie.

“And probably bathe them more frequently, because holy cow, kids stink.”

This is pretty much my favorite. Hilarious!


Comment by Elle @ Elle The Heiress.

My resolution is to not get pregnant in 2012. Fortunately, baby #3 is due in June so I really only have to worry about six months. Unfortunately, Husby & I have super-human fertility powers so we’ll probably just have to abstain. We got pregnant with both #1 and #3 while on birth control and using condoms (at the same time), and got pregnant with #2 on our first try.


Comment by Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes.

To not get pregnant again, which was also my resolution for 2011 and since that worked out well I’m sticking to it.


Comment by Loukia.

Awesome. All of these!


Comment by Nancy Davis Kho.

It’s not self-depreciating? I’ve been misled (pronounced missled, right?)


Comment by Erin@MommyontheSpot.

These are all pretty awesome resolutions. Makes the “choose between intense debate or disqus for my answer form on my blog” kinda weak. So I’ll add clean house more often. Nothing says gross when my black furniture looks gray and fuzzy with dust.


Comment by Meredith L..

To stop encouraging my 3-year old to say things like, “Excuse YOUR butt!” and laughing when he farts.

To get an agent for my novel so it can get published and made into the next “True Blood.”

To not pretend like I “might be” pregnant once a month until my husband finally gets a vasectomy.

To drink more wine. After the baby comes in March I’ll have 9 months of abstaining to make up for.


Comment by Mom on the Verge.

Hm. I resolve to take more bubble baths and eat twice as many veggies as last year. And learn how to wear makeup. That’d be good, as I turn the big 5-0. *sigh*

I’ll make the kids’ resolutions later… 😉


Comment by Becky.

I resolve not to see the Chipwrecked movie. And I’m stickin’ to it.


Comment by Tami.

Show of hands. Who had to go look up Tracey Gold’s mug shot? And yes, it’s kinda a hot mess. Wouldn’t complain if I looked like that after a night of partying.

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