12 Nov
Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Paid Escort

The very fabulous Becky (AKA Princess Mikkimoto) is getting married and we here at The Mouthy Housewives just love a wedding!   We can’t wait for the vows, the lamb chop appetizers, dancing to “Celebration” — wait, what? We aren’t invited? Oh, dammit. Well, that won’t stop us from proclaiming ourselves bloggy bridesmaids and throwing her a little virtual shower, will it?

And, for our lovely and very considerate wedding gift to Becky, we will now list our Tips for a Perfect Wedding! (Feel free to add your own tips in the comments, but make sure they’re not as funny as ours.):

1. Wear white if you’re a virgin, but if you’re not, choose colors that coordinate with your sexual history. For example, 1-2 boyfriends, wear cream. 3-4 boyfriends, wear beige. 5-6 boyfriends, wear brown. Or, if you’re anything like Wendi’s slutty cousin Janice, wear Bedazzled tie-dye!

2. When walking down the aisle with everyone’s eyes on you, add a little flair to the event by doing a badass gangsta lean a la Fiddy Cent. The crowd will just eat it up!

3. Don’t give your guests rice to throw as it’s bad for the birds. Instead, ask them to throw large denominations of cash and/or savings bonds! (Or silver dollars, if you have strong bone density.)

4. Remember that “Gold Digger” is an underutilized, often overlooked song for your first dance. But we think Kanye West sets the perfect romantic mood.

5. A champagne toast is so 2009. Jägermeister is now the drink of choice at the classiest weddings. Plus, if your guests drink enough Jäger, then they’ll actually want to see the wedding video because they won’t be able to remember a damn thing from that evening!

6. Don’t believe your weird, bald third cousin Marvin who flew in from New Zealand when he claims that the guest who traveled the farthest gets a French kiss from the bride. He is wrong.

7. Want to make your first kiss as man and wife a little more memorable? Play a little altar grabass with your groom! (Be sure to ask the clergyman in advance to yell out, “Oh, no she D’INT!”)

8. You may be tempted to gorge on wedding cake, but remember: for every pound you put on after your wedding, you’ll lose $1,000 in alimony. (Hint: Chew on your garter belt if you feel peckish instead.)

9. When throwing your bouquet, aim for an adorable old spinster lady with dentures and try to make it land right in her kisser. People love that shit!

10.  And if you enjoyed our wedding tips, don’t forget to check in from your honeymoon for our exclusive tips on how to make your honeymoon fun for everyone!

We think that pretty much wraps it up, so from all of us here at The Mouthy Housewives, we say “Mazel Tov!” (That means “Don’t do it, sister” in Hebrew, yes?)

And for more of Becky’s fun, bridal shower joy, please click over to her other virtual bridesmaids!

Ann at AnnsRants

Lisa at Smacksy

Suzy at Hot Comes to Die

Jessica at BernThis

Ellie at One Crafty Mother

Amy at I Have More Rocks

Congratulations, Becky! We wish you a beautiful wedding and a beautiful life together! And don’t forget, we’re always here to listen to your problems (for a small fee.)


Wendi, Kelcey, Marinka & Heather

9 Responses to “Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Paid Escort”


Comment by Ann's Rants.


Love this.

Thanks so much guys.

Leanin’ down the aisle,


Comment by hokgardner.

I so wish y’all had been around when I got married, cause my skeezy cousin so totally tried the French kiss thing on me.

Congrats to the happy couple.


Comment by Becky (Princess Mikkimoto).

Dear Matt,
Here are some great tips from a couple really smart women.
Don’t forget to get pick up your “I DO” grill at the Gangsta store.
Love, Your Ball and Chain. Forever.

Thanks ladies! I’ll take these very important tips to heart. You’re the best!


Comment by Deb Rox.

I’d love to see your advice on a proper pre-nup, as that is really needed in these economic times. My only wedding advice is to make sure that the Electric Slide is performed late in the evening, as it’s a lot more fun to watch when people are confusing their rights and lefts. It’s Electric!


Comment by Ellie at One Crafty Mother.

Holy hysterical — I think I would really like Wendi’s cousin. Now where did I put my bedazzler?



Comment by zeghsy.

Does this mean Becky’s walk down the aisle will be more memorable than Jill and Kevin’s?


Comment by Suzy.

Gold Digger? Gangsta Lean? I don’t have a problem with it, but are you guys black?

Because if you are, your photos suck.


Comment by Diane.

Here in Texas, there is also the traditional Cotton Eye Joe song for dancing fun. Breaks the monotony of both the Chicken Dance and Electric Slide. Not being born nor raised in TX, I refer to it as the Cotton Mouth Joe, as that is what you feel like after a few Oozo shots. Goldschlager works well too. All great tips to squirrel away when the day comes and I am (gasp) mother of the bride. One is never to old to embarass their offspring!

deathstar Reply:

I say serve “medicinal” brownies for dessert and everyone will behave themselves, giggle like crazy, and there will be no wasted food!

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