Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I am losing my mind with laundry. I don’t understand why my children take off their pants and underwear in one move, so that the underwear is stuck inside the pants and I then have to separate them while I do laundry. And also socks. Why must they throw them, balled up, into the basket and then I have to unball (?) their disgusting stinky socks. GOD!
Dear Laundry Wench,
Remember those halcyon days when you were first pregnant? When all of the books and movies you saw showed the joys of new motherhood and how beautiful life with a sweet baby was going to be? Yes? You do?
Well, lady, it was all a total crock.
Because what nobody tells you about motherhood is that immediately after your epidural wears off, you’ll suddenly find yourself stuck in a 20+ year abusive relationship with a Maytag washing machine. Not to mention his evil sock eating cohort, the f*cking dryer. And, baby, I hate to break it to you, but there ain’t nowhere to run to, nowhere to hide. Yo ass gonna be stuck in that laundry room til they ship you off to the funny farm for licking Bounce dryer sheets and shotgunning Tide straight out of the bottle. (Bottoms up!)
However, the good news is it still might be possible to make your indentured servitude a little less painful—if you put a few Laundry Rules in place. Rules such as:
First Rule: All underwear must be removed from pants before placing into hamper or the offender will be charged $1.00 per tighty whitey.
Second Rule: All socks must be de-balled before placing into hamper or the offender will be charged $1.00 per sock.
Third Rule: All pockets must be emptied of all rocks, sticks, Silly Bandz, crayons, chicken nuggets, mommy’s lipstick, etc. before placing into hamper or the offender will be charged $1.00.
Fourth Rule: Whoever does the laundry gets a solo vacation to Mexico once year.
Remember, the kids are going to keep doing those annoying things with their clothes unless you give them incentive not to do those annoying things, so you need to stand up for yourself. Let yourself be heard. Slap a laundry basket on your head and run through the streets screaming, “I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE, YOU KETCHUP STAINED MORONS!” until you get arrested. And/or made the president of your PTA.
Because while you may feel like you’re The Laundry Wench, nothing’s going to change a bit until you start acting like The Laundry Bitch.