17 Jul
Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

So I’m a little late on this, considering my son is already 5 years old, but it’s bothered me greatly and until now have simply accepted it. My question is this: is there ANY hope for flattening the disgusting “hangover” skin over a c section scar? I know the muscles have been disfigured permanently but isn’t there something you can do to shape them?

I am not overweight and am a healthy eater, so I’m basically skinny until ……dun dun dunnn…..”the pouch.” It’s embarrassing, especially in a dress that outlines every curve. Help!

Signed,

Captain Kangaroo

__________________________________

Dear Cap’n,

You know, when you’re pregnant they really make a big deal about this “pain of childbirth” business, but where is the mention of “emotional trauma from permanent disfigurement to areas other than your labia”? I MEAN REALLY. It seems just as important as proper nipple latching.

I don’t think I have the answer you are looking for, unfortunately. Because the basic truth here is that your stomach will never look the way it did pre-pregnancy. No, I’m serious. NEVER AGAIN FOREVER AMEN. Of course, you’re not alone in this. I was spared the phenomenon of stretch marks and kangaroo pouches myself, but my breasts are scarred and the place where I used to have a bellybutton ring looks like a puncture wound. And I’ll spare you a description of my saddle bags.

(We all have our crosses to bear.)

But if the misery-loves-company technique isn’t helping you, then I think you can do one of two things. The first is surgery, but it’s not something I would recommend. Not only is it ungodly expensive, but there’s always the off chance that your husband will fall for the daughter of the doctor that performs your tummy-tuck, thus beginning his midlife crises of bad decisions and Ed Hardy. (Just ask Kate Gosselin.)

Your other option is to buy some damn Spanx, woman and just learn to love your imperfections. My eldest is also just five and I’m just now beginning to feel comfortable in this “new” body of mine. Be easy on yourself and start to look at your figure as something sexy rather than something flawed. Maybe draw a happy face on the pouch to get things started.

Work it, gurl.

Kristine, TMH

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2 Responses to “Invasion of the Body Snatchers”

07.17.12#1

Comment by Jessica.

Ugh, my body has been totally “snatched” and aside from spanx there should be post c-section clothes and underwear that you can wear for, oh, the rest of your life because nothing is ever the same around there, even with a smiley face on it.

07.17.12#2

Comment by Meredith L..

My entire midsection looks like the set of the first 10 minutes of “Saving Private Ryan,” because of two c-sections and gall bladder removal surgery, all in the span of 3 1/2 years. And my last baby was born at 9 lbs 8 ounces and if you do not believe me I have the stretch marks to prove it. Also, my baby was so big he ripped apart my abdominal muscles and now I’m in weekly physical therapy to put them back together.

I would LOVE to be “skinny except for…” Right now I’m “skinny except for” thighs that rub together when I wear a dress, arms that keep jiggling after I’ve stopped waving, and a belly that makes me look like I’m still five months pregnant.

A doctor friend told me Mederma and regular massage of the tissue should help. And if that doesn’t work, I will swap bodies with you.

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