15 Dec
It’s My Office Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I think the people who coined “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” didn’t have to go to office Christmas parties. My office party is this weekend. I’m hoping they have plenty of toothpicks at the hor d’oeuvres table so I can use them to prop open my eyes. It’s always a snorefest. Do you have any tips for making an office Christmas party more fun?


You Call This Fun?


Dear You Call This Fun,

Well, my first idea on how to make your office party more fun is to invite me.   After all, back in the 90’s, I had quite the reputation of being the life of the office party. (Which is sort of like being crowned King of the Dipshits, but you take what you can get.) But let’s see—there was the office party where I passed out on my husband’s boss’   bed. Then there was the office party where I did a drunk solo dance to “Lady In Red.” And who could forget the office party where I did five tequila shots, then treated my co-workers to 30 minutes of white girl rap on the karaoke machine? It’s amazing that I haven’t had a job in eight years.

But here’s my real advice on how to survive this year’s office party: Start drinking now and don’t stop until 2010.

As everyone knows, office parties can totally blow. It’s not like you really want to socialize with your co-workers, politely nibbling crudites and saying things like, “Remember that time the UPS guy tripped over the printer?!” or “Wow, Mailroom Johnny, you look so handsome in long pants!” And it’s even worse when you have to go to your significant others’ party and mingle with people you’ve never even met. I shudder just to think.

However, we here at TMH want you to keep your job, so the best thing to do at your party is just show up, act nice, drink in moderation, and make sure you have at least five (sober) minutes of face time with your boss. Then simply claim a non-life threatening babysitting emergency, and drive like hell to the closest bar that has a mechanical bull and a dirty pool table. You’ll forget about the snoozefest in no time.

And if that doesn’t work, be sure to put me on the guest list next year.

Happy Holidays,

Wendi, TMH


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5 Responses to “It’s My Office Party and I’ll Cry If I Want To”


Comment by Marinka.

This is so timely! Please meet me in midtown at 7:30 tonight!


Comment by Heather.

Well, I certainly know who my date will be for next year.


Comment by Minipeds.

We had our office party at a Mexican restaurant this year and boy…double margaritas for the price of one sure made things easier. While getting too sloppy can make you accidentally tell your co-workers about the tattoos they don’t know about, just the right amount is key to making it a painless blur.


Comment by Andrea's Sweet Life.

The fun of being self-employed is getting to skip the snore-fest office parties. And being able to drink at my desk.


Comment by redgirl.

mine wasn’t so bad this year
I won a snuggie.
bubblegum pink.

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