28 May
Is that you making that noise or did a meteor just crash onto our lawn?

Dear TMH:

I don’t know where to begin. I’ve been having some, um, sleeping troubles with my fiance. We live together, but sleeping together has been a problem. He snores… all the time! Even when he’s awake! (I know, WTF?!?). And it gets much, much worse during sex. I’ve heard this “problem” is supposed to get better AFTER we’re married. But, please help! I don’t think I can wait that long!

Signed:

Damsel in Distress wondering whether Prince is really the Dragon

____________________________________________________

Dear Damsel:

First of all, not to burst your bubble of pre baby, pre menapause, pre college bill “bliss”, but nothing gets better after you’re married. Your relationship is pretty much at its peak right now, so as long as we get that straight, I think you two have a long, and apparently loud, future ahead of you.

I’m not familiar with people who snore while still awake, but I’m gathering that whether it happens while standing up or in bed,   the problem is still the same.   My research on the subject basically tells me that your husband probably has a deviated septum in his nose, a term I am very familiar with as many people, a majority of   whom live right here in Southern California, have suffered from a similar fate and therefore had no choice but to   have this deviation straightened, something which conveniently makes their nose smaller and perkier and better able to smell a fifty percent markdown at Saks Fifth Avenue.   You see,   and I’m sure this is pure coincidence,   insurance companies won’t cover any work on one’s nose if it is for “non medical” reasons, ie: a chance to get a lead role in a film.   But as I said, luckily for them and your fiance, that is not the case.

So go ahead and find your fiance a good plastic surgeon, or at the very least an Ear Nose and Throat doctor and remember, if you decide to forgo the surgery, you can always use the deductible to buy a better couch.

Jessica TMH

4 Responses to “Is that you making that noise or did a meteor just crash onto our lawn?”

05.28.09#1

Comment by admin.

I actually had a REAL deviated septum, and my Beverly Hills doctor asked me 10 seconds before my surgery if I’d like to “change things around a bit” on my nose. I still regret saying “no.”

05.28.09#2

Comment by Suzy.

I’m confused. He snores DURING sex??? I can imagine after, but during?! That would kind of be a blow to my ego if someone was snoring while boning me.
Reminds me of a boyfriend I had in my twenties who would sleep-f*ck. I’d wake up and he’d be on me all ready to go. Then all of a sudden he’d just roll over. He wouldn’t believe me when I told him about it the next morning.

05.29.09#3

Comment by Andrea's Sweet Life.

I’m pretty sure snoring while awake is considered “snorting like a pig”.

05.29.09#4

Comment by Coco.

If it weren’t for the snoring during sex part I would say have him go to a sleep clinic. He could have sleep apnea. I have it and it made me snore like a lumber jack. I had surgery and sleep with a cpap at night. I no longer snore. This can cause serious health problems. But snoring during sex??? Yes. He really needs to have it checked.

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