24 Jan
I Don’t Want to Choose Between My Husband and My Friend

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I am having a big problem with my husband right now. We have only been married for 2 years. I’m 24 and have a 1 year old son with him. I started back at work and became good friends with my colleague Christina.

There was a staff party I was invited to and I went leaving the house guilt-ridden as my husband doesn’t seem to trust me when I’m out. We went to a bar afterwards while my husband was trying to contact me and my friend failed to pick up when he called her. He hates her now and doesn’t want me being freinds with her. I went to her house 2 weeks ago: harmless, right? He hated me going to her house and got all moody before I left. When I got there he called me and told me to come home as he needs to go to the shop. I told him I’m at my friend’s and we might go to the bar around the corner for 1 drink before heading home, and he responded that if I do he will leave my son in the house alone and that we will break up. He also threatened to punch my friend in the face.

I’ve told him he can’t make me choose between her and him as I love him but I also love my friends as I only have 2 friends and don’t socialize much. But he wants me to ditch her and I feel like he is ripping our marriage apart. I’m so frustrated and sad. I need some help.

Signed,

Don’t Make Me Choose

_______________________________________________________________________

Dear Don’t Choose,

Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry because I am going to tell you something that will be unpleasant to hear: You are in an emotionally abusive relationship.

You love your husband and he probably thinks he loves you, but he is treating you horribly, manipulating you, threatening you, and telling you that he will commit criminal acts (leaving a one year old home alone and assaulting your friend) if he does not get his way.

It is illegal and absolutely not how you deserve to be treated. No one deserves that kind of terrible treatment. And you are right to be upset. Because as adults there are many things that we have to do. We have responsibilities, we have to go to work, we have to pay taxes; but we also have privileges. And one of them is that we get to decide, all for ourselves, who our friends are. How dare your husband tell you that you can’t be friends with Christina! Because she didn’t pick up the phone? Because she offers you friendship? Because you get together with her occasionally for a party or a drink?

Your husband doesn’t like Christina because when you are with her, you are not with him. And that is threatening to him because it loosens his control over you. He may be one of these people who wants his partner to be isolated from the rest of the world. Does that sound healthy to you? Or maybe he genuinely doesn’t like Christina. Maybe he thinks she’s not smart, or boring. But guess what? He doesn’t have to be friends with her. You are not insisting that the three of you vacation together, nor are you imposing her on him on a regular basis.

You need to decide how you want to proceed. I recommend reading more about emotional abuse, starting with this, and seeking assistance. And believing that you deserve so much better.

Best wishes,

Marinka, TMH

6 Responses to “I Don’t Want to Choose Between My Husband and My Friend”

01.24.13#1

Comment by Kim.

I would have to agree with your response. Scares the begeebies out of me to read stuff like that. That situation will only get worse, I fear. Best of luck to her. There is a child involved, if she doesn’t make a change for herself, I hope she does it for her child.

01.24.13#2

Comment by FC.

I can speak from experience on this topic.

I learned quickly that our little bundle of joy was nothing more than another pawn in which to control and manipulate me. Guess what happened 3 months after I had our baby? I left his abusive and narcissistic ass.

And the friend that he disliked the most and naturally tried to end our friendship, was the friend that lent me the emotional/physical support and truck that I needed to move out.

Good luck.

01.24.13#3

Comment by Roshni.

Completely agree!! WTH?!! Who threatens to leave a one year old home alone?! That’s pure emotional blackmail and you don’t need this!!

01.25.13#4

Comment by Avprobeauty.

I will refrain from posting any negative remarks in regards to the husband, but I will say that he is not acting like one. A good marriage requires that both parties respect each other. If you don’t respect each other and equally important-trust – each other, it’s not going to work.

Get out while you can.

02.03.13#5

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

As a counselor, I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that this will only get worse and he WILL start physically abusing you at some point. What he is doing now is emotional abuse, and bad emotional abuse. He is threatening child abuse and physical violence if he doesn’t get his way. You need to get away from him fast. There is no where for this situation to go but to bad and then worse.

09.10.13#6

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