25 Apr
I Confided in My Friend, Not Her Husband

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I had confided in my friend a few months ago and it’s pretty obvious that she shared what I told her with her husband. I feel hurt and betrayed and embarrassed and like my friendship with her is over.

Is it worth trying to repair it or do you think once the trust is gone, it’s gone forever?

Signed,

Don’t Blab

___________________________________________

Dear Don’t Blab,

Oh, friends and their husbands, don’t get me started.

I once had a friend who told me that she had a  “no secrets” policy with her spouse, which apparently meant that she told him every bit of information she had gathered throughout the day. I was confused by such a thing, but also took it as a fair warning that if I were talking to her, he would eventually get the information. I hope you can appreciate  how difficult it was for me to plan his surprise party.

But I appreciated her letting me know. Because if my confidence was going to be shared with Mr. Friend, I had the right to decide what I talked to her about. And it definitely tempered our discussions to topics like weather, kids today, and those bozos in D.C.

Your situation is obviously different because you had no idea that you would be betrayed. Which is pretty much the worst kind of surprise there is. But before we cross-stitch a scarlet B for Blabbermouth on your friend’s spring tunic, you need to make sure that she did, in fact, tell her husband. Is it possible that she did not? Is it possible that he knows this information from another source (it’s not too late to suspect other friends!) Or maybe he doesn’t know the confidence at all, but was alluding to something else entirely?

Either way, talk to your friend.  Explain what your expectations are and how hurt you would be if she were to share the things you told her with anyone else.

If she did betray your trust, you’ll have to decide if your friendship can survive it; and if it can, whether it will change how much you share with her.

But give her a chance.  Making new friends is so time consuming.  Maybe she did nothing wrong. Maybe she will change her ways. Maybe she’ll have some great gossip about someone else to distract you with.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

 

7 Responses to “I Confided in My Friend, Not Her Husband”

04.25.13#1

Comment by Kathy.

All of my friends know if they tell me something in confidence that doesn’t apply to my husband. He’s the one person I can talk to about anything so if I’m concerned about my friend or feel he needs the information for some reason I would talk to him. I don’t sit and tell him every single thing I talk to my friends about all day but I do work out my thoughts with him. Everyone’s marriage is different ymmv. Of course in our world any time a friend is having a really hard time they generally end up at our house with both my husband and myself and comfort food to help them work through their problems often until the wee hours of the morning.

I don’t know what this big reveal is but my read is that the husband somehow screwed over his wife’s confidence by breaking it either because he’s a jerk or because he didn’t know it was supposed to be a big secret. The difference there is key either you do as the advice says and lower your friendship bar or you talk to your friend honestly like an adult and see which of the above scenarios is true and decide on how you want to proceed accordingly.

04.25.13#2

Comment by Cy.

Hey, sometimes when a friend burdens you with dirt you have to unload on someone and husbands are obvious catch-alls. Or websites where you can comment anonymously and tell people that your bestie is having an affair and has convinced HER husband that her bf is gay and no threat at all to her marriage. Hypothetically speaking, of course.

04.25.13#3

Comment by MJ.

So she was a friend but not a best friend. It seems to me a person should be more careful who and what she shares with. Go and tell whoever whatever and this is what happens.

04.29.13#4

Comment by Boomer Grandparent.

Why do women DO that to one another? I guess the responsibility lies with the person sharing. Some women just think anything they hear their husband/partner can hear too. Be specific next time..(if there is one) and tell whomever you’re sharing with that you don’t expect this information to be shared with ANYONE. (so aggravating!)

05.02.13#5

Comment by Samantha.

I do tend to tell my husband everything. I make sure my friends know this, though, and when a sensitive topic comes up they will tell me if they’d rather my husband doesn’t know. Or if I’m not sure, I don’t tell him unless I’ve asked the person.

05.11.13#6

Comment by Blumizu.

This makes me crazy. On a long car ride two friends and I were talking, the conversation got personal and soon we were dishing on really personal/intimate topics. I don’t know how it came up but my friend in the passenger’s seat told me she would tell her boyfriend but it was OK because he wouldn’t care. Then why would you tell him?! Personal things that I share with my girlfriends shouldn’t be shared. Period. When I told her I didn’t know she was one of “those girls” she got really offended.

05.11.13#7

Comment by Cara.

Maybe a better way to look at this is they have the kind of marriage that renders them best friends too and that is hard to find.

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