Mouthing Off: Pole Dancing Preschoolers
Not sure what to do with your female toddlers, preschoolers, and tweens this summer? Well, apparently in the U.K. there’s a dance studio where little girls can take pole-dancing lessons.
Now, before any of you overprotective folk become horrified by this suggestion, let’s just take a moment to look at the pros (meant in more ways than one) this kind of class has to offer:
1) Every little girl wants to grow up to be a ballerina, right? Realistically, however, the majority either don’t have the proper body type or they aren’t talented in that way (at least that’s how Mrs. Roberts put it to my mom, after which she suggested that perhaps instead of sports my mom should slip me a few mickeys), but the pole doesn’t require either of those things. Your little lady can grow up and get a job on the pole whatever her looks or talents. Sure, if she’s super flexible and in great shape, she’ll work at a much better paying club, but no matter what, she’s got a job! Three hoorays for job security!!
2) She can then parlay this job into paying for college. Just ask any stripper at any club and they will tell you that is exactly what they are using their money for! Not meth, a college degree! In Biophysics!
3) Your little ones will quickly come to understand the basis of what makes the world go around: T&A! (Well, according to Joe Francis of Girls Gone Wild.) And since he’s wealthy and incarcerated, he should know! They won’t have to be burdened by studying or bogged down by pesky worries about future careers. They’ll know that as long as there are dollar bills and beads in this world, they can simply shake their money maker and make it rain.
4) Your daughter’s wardrobe will also become less expensive! Hooray! No longer will she be begging you to take her to The Gap or Abercrombie & Fitch. No, instead, she can get all she needs from the 99 cent store. With clothing that needs such a minimal amount of fabric, think of all the money (and laundry time) you’ll be saving!
5) Finally, some classes are offered for both the moms and their daughters. Think of the togetherness! Nothing says bonding like 4-inch heels and climbing upside down on a metal rod! It may even land you both a top spot on Jerry Springer! Every little girl’s dream come true!
So, now, I don’t know about you, but I have a class that I need to sign my little girl up for and also her college fund to spend!
Maybe I can even get a few of those discontinued Forever 21 buttons: “I’m too pretty to do math”?
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19 Responses to “Mouthing Off: Pole Dancing Preschoolers”
Comment by The Flying Chalupa.
Please tell me those Forever 21 buttons don’t exist? I really can’t even bring myself to click on that link.
And let’s not also forget the benefit of enrolling little boys in a pole-dancing class! I tell my son it’s a fireman’s pole.
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Comment by Sophie@Fabrications.
And this is the world we bring our children into. Excuse me while I go shoot myself.
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Comment by cate8.
Ugh, all these years wasted… telling my kids to study hard, get into college and get a good job.
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Comment by Alex@LateEnough.
Europe is always ahead of us in good ideas. First, jaunty berets, now preschool pole dancing. It’s no wonder the EU is such a powerful force.
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Comment by Snow Wife.
OMG ok 1 never believe anything the Daily Mail says as they are always stirring up *garbage* yet this is true all the facts may not be. I live in the UK and this is disgusting but no doubt it will make money. They drink at 18 go on birth control at 13 and used to be done with school at 16 – they grow up WAY faster. (It just changed they are now in school until 18 – like Community College since “HS” is done at 16 still).
Haven’t you seen the Big Fat Gypsy Wedding over in the US? (not the movie) that is true travellor style the little girls look like tramps.
All I can say is WOW and I will keep my kids away from this.
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Comment by From Belgium.
Well I took pole dancing classes (it was for a bachelorette party) and let me tell you it ain’t no picknick.
So go on and put down your girl or boy for those classes and after the first two they’ll come home crying and begging you to spend the money on college. Go on, see if it works…
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Comment by hokgardner.
Having watched a few episodes “My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding” I can tell you who the target market is for the pole dancing classes – young traveler girls. They dress them like hookers at an astonishingly young age and sned them out on to the dance floor at weddings to shimmy their stuff. Most of the 7yo girls look like they’ve been dancing on the pole for years already.
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Comment by Becky.
So, the transition is from Toddlers & Tiaras runner up to Pole-Dancing, right?
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Comment by admin.
I’ve never understood the popularity of the pole. It seems like a lot of hard work compared to just standing still and trying to make your boob tassels move in concentric circles.
Hilarious post, Tonya.
–Wendi
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Comment by Always Home and Uncool.
So sexist. Where are the Chippendale’s bump & grind classes for boys?
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Comment by Kelcey.
And I was wasting all this money sending my kid to swimming classes at the Y.
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Comment by N and Em's mom.
#4 Haha! To quote Billy Joel, “You can’t dress trashy until you spend a lot of money.” Obviously, the reason that you don’t know that those teeny tiny slutty clothes are really expensive (we can talk about the inverse proportion of fabric to cost later) is because you don’t look at the price tag and seriously consider buying that junk.
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Comment by JubanMama.
I’m glad *someone* is making sure my 2 1/2 year old little boy will be entertained!
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Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.
I hear the Jolie-Pitt crew is doing it. Well, except Shiloh. You know Shiloh, can never just go with the flow.
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Comment by Regina.
and here i was thinking i was supposed to keep my kid off of the pole!
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Comment by Princess Schmamy.
They need to introduce this to the Toddlers and Tiaras crowd.
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Marinka Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 7:52 am
That’s a great idea!
I’ll start working on the business plan.
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