08 Jun
The Perfect Recipe for the Modern Wife

When Nava Atlas said she was sending The Mouthy Housewives her new book, Secret Recipes for the Modern Wife, we politely said, “thank you,” then we rolled around on the floor laughing at the thought of actually cooking dinner without the use of a microwave and a bottle of wine. We were greatly relieved, however, when we saw that all of her recipes are like this one:

Souffle of Fallen Expectations:

8 large eggs, separated

3 pounds of long-standing myths about marriage, derived from film, fiction, and women’s magazines

1/2 cup of heavy cream, or enough to make you feel fat and guilty

1/4 cup sugar

Disillusionment, as needed

It’s a hilarious, creative book filled with great, vintage housewife images and recipes for things like Gender Role Casserole and Psychotherapy Pie. And the best part is, Nava is giving one away to one of our readers! To enter, leave a comment letting us know the name of one of your secret recipes. It can be funny, true or just completely made-up.   We don’t care. Just make us laugh!

secret-recipes

16 Responses to “The Perfect Recipe for the Modern Wife”

06.08.09#1

Comment by katimae.

Tastes-So-Good-They’ll-Shut-Up-For-A-Minute Pie.

06.08.09#2

Comment by Mountain Mama.

Recipe for disaster:

6yo
3yo (I could stop there)
Summer vacation
Husband out of town
Rain
Starbuck’s espresso machine is broken
Only one bottle of beer in house

Need I go on?

06.08.09#3

Comment by TeacherMommy.

Guilt-Trip-Over-Gory-Stories-Of-Pregnancy-And-Labor Birthday Cake

06.08.09#4

Comment by K.

How about Vacation Sex Pie?

06.08.09#5

Comment by Sally.

Beef Faux-ganoff

Brown ground beef, add Cream of Mushroom soup, sour cream and mushrooms. Serve over noodles.

06.08.09#6

Comment by LISA5OF5.

One Dish Divorce

1 woman with PMS (or menopause, whichever you’ve got handy)
1 man, unable to find his ass with both hands
2 kids, any age
Dog, neurotic
Cat, incontinent

Just blend and it’s ready to serve in seconds!

06.08.09#7

Comment by Jacquie.

Shut Your Pie Holes.

Like donut holes, but quieter.

06.08.09#8

Comment by crazywoman.

Eat it or else go hungry man meal!

Just clip any new recipe, make it one time and listen to the whines…what is this? This dinner looks yucky!

06.08.09#9

Comment by MommyTime.

There is no way on earth I can be funnier than Jacquie, who has the funniest recipe I’ve ever heard of. But here’s a true one:

Recipe for Driving Mama Crazy
(served at my house periodically)

Ingredients
1 Son, capable of roaring loudly
1 Daughter, capable of shrieking at a very high pitch
1 small, inconsequential object of no intrinsic value whatsoever

Directions
Son: NOooooo!
Daughter: whiiiine
Son: Nooo NOOOOOO!
Daugher: SHRIeeeeeeeeeeeeK!
Son: ROAOAOAOAOAOR
Daugheter: shRIEeeeeeeEEEEK
Son: ROARRRRR! ROAAARRRRRR!
Daughter: Nooooo. [sound of snatching]
Son: You’re MEAN!
Daughter: MINE.
Son: ROOOOOOOOOOOAAARRRRR!
Daughter: SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!
Son: ROOOOOOOOOOOAAARRRRR!
Daughter: SHRIEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!

Repeat for 10-15 minutes, or until Mama’s head explodes.

06.08.09#10

Comment by shelley.

My man is sleeping on the couch casserole

1 dumb clueless man
1 wife needing release

Him inviting his mother over for cobbler on the one night the kids are gone.

How’s that?

06.08.09#11

Comment by Drama Queen Jenner.

What-the-hell-is-wrong-NOW-omlette?!?

Usually served to the pre-teen daughter with her bitch flakes.

06.09.09#12

Comment by Amber in Albuquerque.

Broken Volkswagen Stew

1 VW Passat Station Wagon
1 Check Engine Light
1 copy of the M*A*S*H episode where Klinger eats the Jeep.

06.10.09#13

Comment by Kay.

What Did I Do This Time Stew

1 husband that “forgot” a birthday/anniversary/holiday

1 ticked off, neglected wife

Cheapest cut of beef from discount grocer, cut into pieces

Misc almost icky but still good enough for the dogs vegetables

Throw all in baking dish, add a little bit of water, and salt and pepper only if you’re feeling generous after 2 glasses of wine.
If you’re not feeling generous, substitute cajun seasoning/entire bottle of insane hot sauce instead of salt and pepper.
Sit down on couch and read a book while consuming more wine.
Remove from oven after the smell starts permeating the entire house, but before the smoke alarms go off.

Serve with side dishes of silent treatment and death glares.

Goes great with a dessert of We Have To Talk or You’re Moving Out Pie

06.15.09#14

Comment by The Mouthy Housewives » Is Kate Gosselin A Bad Mother?.

[…] you entered our book giveaway yet? Don’t miss your   chance to win Secret Recipes for the Modern […]

06.16.09#15

Comment by Andrea's Sweet Life.

Ahm, I must have dreamed about leaving a comment here, because I could have SWORN I did. Are you fracking deleting me, or what?

My Secret Recipe combines my love of food with my love of fashion.

Cheese and salami in all the right places.

06.18.09#16

Comment by rachel-asouthernfairytale.

WEll let’s see: There’s “He’s not your baby daddy nachos”

1 night of margaritas
1 bowl of queso
inappropriate application of queso with your date’s roommate

Your Girlfriend’s mom’s cherry Pie

(really, do i have to explain?)

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