07 Jul
My Mother is Mad as Hell and I Can’t Take It Anymore

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

As the teenage daughter of what I’d like to describe as one hell of an overbearing mother, I have a question. Is there any surefire way to calm down an angry mother? My problem is simple: my mother gets mad and stays mad at me for things that are often as simple as me putting my jacket on the back of my seat as opposed to hanging it on a coat rack.

Is there any honest-to-god way to placate my mother? Because I’ve noticed that reminding her that “Hey, at least I’m not a druggie” and “We’re all going to die someday, what’s the big deal?” do NOT work at all.

Signed,

Too Much Mama Drama

______________________________

Dear Mama Drama,

You know why your mom is so damn bat crazy mad? Because she has been telling you to hang up your jacket for ten years. Ten years. And she’s had it. JUST HANG UP THE JACKET FOR GOSH SAKES!!!!! THE HOOK IS RIGHT THERE!!!

And she’s probably stressed out about other stuff like her crap boss, bills, her allergies and that faucet upstairs that won’t stop leaking even though the plumber has come three god damn times.   And some of this anger gets misdirected at you.   Just this morning, I spent 20 minutes yelling at my husband about the way he brews coffee when I was really upset about my daughters having separation anxiety on the first day of camp.

I suggest the following….

1. Hang up your coat. We’ll all wait while you go do it now. See, doesn’t it look nice on the rack instead of thrown over that chair? I don’t know about you but I feel better already.

2. During a calm time, talk to your mother about your feelings. Say that you are trying your hardest to please her but you feel like she is mad at you all the time. Just talking about things can make all the difference. (And no you can not substitute texting, emailing or Skyping for talking.) Try to figure out ways the two of you can communicate and coexist better together.

3. Whenever you can, be nice to your mom. Tell her about your day. Keep eyeball rolling to a minimum. Try not to groan when she asks you do something. Bring home her favorite chocolate malt balls. Tell her you love her. All of these things will hopefully make your mom feel warm and fuzzy. And a lot less mad.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

18 Responses to “My Mother is Mad as Hell and I Can’t Take It Anymore”

07.07.11#1

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

When I was much younger ^_^ and my parents went away for some trip, I was in charge of the house. I would spend the whole day tidying up and cleaning, but when evening came, my two brothers came back home and started spreading their garments around: shoes kicked away in opposite directions (1 under the sofa, 1 under the dining room chairs for the 1st brother; 1 in the kitchen and 1 in the corridor for the 2nd); jackets hung everywhere but in the coat stand, sweaters on the newspapers rack and on the sofa…
In a nanosecond the whole house looked a mess and I, who had spent the day working to have it nice and tidy just would grow mad and start shouting.
The result of course was that my brothers were pissed at me almost as much as I was at them, but they wouldn’t change their habits.

I sooooo totally understand your mom, and saying that you’re not a druggie or something is not an option: after all your mom isn’t one either, and she cleans, tidies up and cooks for you, no matter how mad she is at you.

Kelcey’s advice is great; I wrote all of this just to try and make you understand your mom’s viewpoint.

Perhaps it could be a good conversation starter saying “Mom, I know you’ve been cleaning all day, but…”

Good luck hon, and thank you for NOT rolling your eyes at what I wrote! :-D

Jessica Reply:

I’m not saying this is you but if you are a parent who yells over every single little thing. It’s time to seek therapy. No human being is perfect nor does one deserve to be yelled at all the time . That child will probably go up with some type of anger problem thinking they can only solve their problems with yelling

07.07.11#2

Comment by I'm a big ol' b with a captial B!.

It’s true that us moms overreact sometimes. It’s normally cause we’re freaking exhausted and tired of saying the same things 100,000,000… times. It’s not your jacket that’s ticking her off. It’s the fact she’s asked you so many times to put the jacket in a certain spot and you (again, again! AGAIN!) didn’t put it there. It would be like her picking you up from school late every day and every day you tell her the time to pick her up. But every day she shows up 15 minutes late anyway and says, “Hey, just be glad I’m here!”

Get what I’m sayin?

So see if you can examine her hot spots–is it the jacket? Is it the fact you slam the door? Is it the shoes left on the stairs? See what happens if you fix them. I bet she’ll gush over the fact you hung up your coat and all you had to do was hang up your coat! Not ace the test! Take it where you can get it, honey!

I do agree though. Talk to her about her anger. Sometimes we do use our authority to let out our frustrations whether or not it’s reasonable. And that’s not right and sometimes we need a gentle reminder. But we are only human the same way a little less eye rolling would help us not lose our temper, too. ;)

depressed Reply:

My mum is always 15 minutes late and she does say that to me so sod off.

Big ol' B with a capital B! Reply:

Sod off? I don’t need new grass, thanks. ;)

I’m the opposite. If I’m not early, then I’m late. I like being at least 5-10 min. early to any appointment.

However, if you are the original poster, if this is the usual attitude you give to your mom, I can see why she yells at you. The attitude sucks. I’m a complete stranger who tried to give you a helpful piece of advice in a kind manner and this is what you give back. I can only imagine what you’re saying to your mom.

You get what you give. Remember that in life because your attitude can get your everywhere or nowhere.

07.07.11#3

Comment by From Belgium.

Do exactly as described above. But if it gets to much for you feel free to flip you mom when the door is closed behind her. She’ll be doing the same thing on the other side, with both fingers…

07.07.11#4

Comment by annie.

When you give her the “you’re always mad at me” talk….be prepared for her to tell you:

1) You’re full of shit
2) You’ve got it better than most
3) You’re welcome to go live with the neighbors
4) When she dies you can pick out a new mom that likes the mess.

Good luck with that.

07.07.11#5

Comment by Kelly.

Great comments above and great advice from Kelcey. The only thing I’d add is that when you talk to your mom, try to make a deal that when you come home at the end of a day you will both be more thoughtful about the fact that you have no idea what the other person’s day has been like. It is HARD to be a teenager. It is HARD to be a grown up. It is HARD to be a kid. It is HARD to be a parent. The hard things about each of these roles is different but by offering the other person a little consideration, you’ll go a long way towards presenting conflicts.

I totally remember these interactions with my own mom. They do really stink. I think some of that tension, though, is “nature’s way” of preparing you to leave home, be independent, and hang your jacket anywhere you damn well please!

Kelly Reply:

that would be *PREVENTING conflicts, not presenting them!

07.07.11#6

Comment by Emily.

it’s disrespectful. Clearly you know where the jacket is supposed to go. Therefore, not putting it there is like saying ‘make me’ which is rebellious. And just a little bit worthy of being on the recieving end of some anger.

As for sitting down and talking with her – don’t use an accusatory tone such as ‘you always yell at me’. Try framing it in how it makes you feel ‘I feel like I’m not good enough when you’re upset’. and she’ll probably come back with ‘I feel like you don’t respect the way I’ve been trying to raise you’. But hopefully in the end, it’ll work out.

it’s not really enough to ‘not be a druggie’. Parents don’t try to raise kids that are ‘not as bad as that kid over there’, we try to raise kids that are on the positive end of the spectrum: respectful, not selfish, not lazy, responsible, etc.

I'm a big ol' b with a captial B! Reply:

I don’t think it has to be about disrespect. I think it CAN be disrespectful if it’s purposeful and meant that way. However, people also sometimes make honest mistakes and simply forget. *shrug* I mean, wives often say the same thing about their husband’s dirty socks, but we don’t call that disrepsect (all the time) do we? It’s our ‘pet peeve’ and it’s their being ‘thoughtless’.

I agree absolutely about discussion though and how she can’t accuse mom and should focus on how she feels. Also agree that parents don’t go about trying to raise mediocre kids.

In the end though, it all works out. They move out, we get our house back. :)

Desperate Dietwives Reply:

The fact is, when my brothers came back and messed the house over, I felt they disrespected me, by completely disregarding my hard work.
To me, it was like they were saying “I don’t care a damn whether you’ve been working all day long, I do what I fucking like”. (Of course they were thinking nothing like this, they were probably just going for that longed-for shower before facing the rest of the day).

I totally understand that our friend Mama Drama doesn’t mean to lack respect to her mom, but the fact is that her mom probably interprets her behaviour as highly disrespectful, especially if the behaviour is accompanied by sentences like “after all, I’, not a cluckhead”.
Respect is all about caring for the other person and trying to be in her shoes, instead of wanting them to be in OUR shoes and not caring a bit about her feelings.

On the other hand, Mama Drama asked for help, which obviously means that she DOES care.
Moreover, she asked help to the Mouthy Housewives, who are notoriously adults and mothers, which means she is trying to understand an adult’s viewpoint. THIS IS A THING I HIGHLY APPRECIATE BECAUSE IT SHOWS SHE IS A CARING PERSON AND ONLY NEEDS TO FIND A WAY TO SHOW IT TO HER MOMS.

So, Dear Mama Drama, my final advice to you is to write down all your feelings, positive and negative, at random as they come to you. Write down your needs too, what you would like to happen between you and your mom, what you expect her to do and why, and what you think she expects you to do and why.
Try also to figure out what behaviours on your part would help your mom and what behaviours on her part would make you more serene.
Putting things down in writing is very helpful to identify our feelings, needs, expectations, behavioural strategies, etc. It also helps us see a way out and figure a COMPROMISE between the two parties.

Life is all about compromises and those are particularly important with those we love and care about most.

I’m sure you’re a great daughter and you’ll find a way to have a positive conversation with your mom about your relationship. You’ll be surprised to see how many things in common the two of you have. :-) Good luck and let us know how it all went! :-D

Emily Reply:

See, I’m gonna have to disagree. I think it is a disrespect thing. If your boss told you s/he wanted something done a specific way, whether you agreed or not, you’d find a way to do it. Maybe you’d put a sticky note on your steering wheel so you didn’t forget or a reminder on your phone – you’d do something to make sure that you complied with their authority. Whether you agreed or not, you’d be showing respect for the authority by following whatever rule was put in place.

And you can’t really use the spouse example, because spouses are equals. One cannot dictate to the others – they agree, they compromise, there’s give and take. If I went to my husband and explained how distressed it made me when he left his shoes in the living room, he would have a choice to either change his behavior or explain to me that I was going to need to get over it. We’re equals in that way.

The parent-child relationship is different. When the child is living in the parent’s house, it more reflects the ‘boss-employee’ relationship. And the child should, whether they agree or not, make every effort to respect the rules of the house. It should be easier with the parent because there’s the element of love and desire to please as opposed to the less loving relationship between a boss and employee.

Certainly it would be easier on the mom if she could just relax and give up on this aspect of the rules. And you can sit down and discuss the situation with more ease with a parent than with a boss. I have tried to reason with bosses before and discovered that I was just overruled no matter what. My parents had the same power.

07.09.11#7

Comment by Steve Bennett.

I got my daughter to use No. 2…after I’d had a talk with my wife about it, they’ve been fine ever since, sometimes clearing the air works wonders. Great advice all round on here :)

07.27.11#8

Comment by Dillanger.

Stay informtivae, San Diego, yeah boy!

10.06.13#9

Comment by hklebdfhswfe.

just yell at her back :P

02.23.14#10

Comment by Lenny.

Women and their OCD.

03.20.14#11

Comment by lujayne.

dear mama drama

my mom is really mad at me because when I went to school my dad yelled at me because I was late to school. then when I went to my 2nd lesson I got 12/25 in a test. then during my lunchtime I made her a card because tomorrow is mothers day but before I even said happy mothers day my mom started yelling at me and humiliating me. and she did not accept the card. I want to buy her a gift from bath and body works. what do u say

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