19 Apr
How Do I Dump This Abusive Loser?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My ex-boyfriend and I have been doing the off and on thing for 10yrs. He is psychologically abusive. He used to be physically abusive until my brother told him he doesn’t need to be hitting on me, and because he is scared of my brother he quit.

He has cheated on me several times, cut my tires on my car, and numerous other things that are to hard to mention. His daughter, son, and all his friends hate me because he told them a lot of bad things about me.

We are broken up again and he had a new girl friend his daughter found for him, moving in the next day. I want to move on and I have started accepting dates. But I can’t seem to get past the pain of being replaced so easy. I am just heart broken. I text him sometimes he can’t text so he never responds. Finally today I call with this lame excuse to talk to him and he answered which made me feel like a stupid fool. I want to put this relationship behind me and move on I just can’t seem to let go.

Signed,
HELP

______________________

Dear Help,

Let me give you some fast and furious advice: You need to never speak/see/interact with this person (and I use the term loosely) again.

Because you deserve better. So much better.

I believe strongly that when someone shows himself to us, we have to believe him. And this person has shown himself to be an abuser.

He abused you, he terrorized you, he tortured you.  You should be getting a restraining order against him, not texting him. (By the way, why are you texting him if he can’t text back? And I’m assuming that he can’t text back because he doesn’t have opposable thumbs, right?)

I’m worried that the reason that you keep pursuing him has to do with your self-esteem.  Whether this “man” destroyed it or it was precarious before you met him, you need to work through those issues until you  believe, with every fiber of your being , that you deserve better. This will not happen overnight but it absolutely can happen and you must MUST take the first step.

There are many resources available to help you. I recommend speaking to your doctor about any suggestions that she may have, and also check out Violence Unsilenced, a website that gives voice to survivors of abuse.  Please know that they are very painful stories, but they are also tales of courage and survival and happiness.  The resources page is valuable and I urge you to consider it.

I wish you the best.  It’s going to take a lot of work on your part, but I hope that you believe that you are worth it.  Please keep us posted.

Marinka, TMH

6 Responses to “How Do I Dump This Abusive Loser?”

04.19.12#1

Comment by Deb.

Oh my gosh. You need to read back through what you just wrote and imagine someone else wrote it and what your advice to them would be. Seriously? This is not a relationship to miss,darling – this is one to high tail it outta dodge from and then crack open a bottle of VODKA and thank your lucky stars you are out of it.

04.19.12#2

Comment by Avprobeauty.

Also, you need to see a therapist asap. As you have demonstrated, psychologically you believe that this behavior is acceptable and ‘ok’. This is not your fault, it’s natural for all humans to fall into habits and traps and once you’re out of it, you don’t have the coping mechanisms to deal with your new life. You may also fall into the same trap without professional help. It doesn’t make you a bad person, we all do it. You just need help to get going on your brand new positive life and you don’t want to risk running into the same bad habits again. Good luck and all the best to you.

04.19.12#3

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

I think this is a case of wanting what you can’t have. What you want is a pile of dog crap.

Thank your lucky stars that you were “replaced.” That means he has someone else to treat like garbage and abuse/hate now. You can move on to someone who actually loves you now, because what you had wasn’t love. It was a sick jerk who hit you, mentally tortured you, and turned people against you.

04.19.12#4

Comment by Plano Mom.

Please, please please, listen to this advice, all of it. Your beautiful spirit has been broken, and this person is NOT going to fix it. You are a wonderful, caring, loving person who deserves to be honored, cherished, and loved.

04.19.12#5

Comment by Just Me.

Definitely get into counseling, work on your self esteem, etc. You do NOT deserve to be walked over like he has walked over you. Stop letting him do it. You don’t need him, and you need to get yourself to believe that.

Treat him like you would treat an addiction. Find a “sponsor”, so to speak… someone who will let you call or email them whenever you feel weak and are tempted to contact him. And then begin to live one day of “sobriety” at a time.

04.19.12#6

Comment by Cate8.

Read the book “the men who hate women and the women who love them” by Dr.Susan Forward it’s fairly old I read it in the 90’s. MISOGYNIST is what your ex is. RUN. You will never fix him. He will never love you because he hates women.

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