02 Mar
Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

What’s the best way to discourage my bible-thumping neighbors from constantly inviting me to their church without being offensive?

Signed,

Not Feelin’ The Spirit

__________________________

Dear Not Feelin’ The Spirit,

Boy, if there’s one subject I’m thrilled to bring up with a bunch of feisty housewives, it’s religion. Closely followed by politics, breastfeeding, and whether or not Ryan Seacrest should finally come out of the closet this year. Because whatever I say, I’m probably going to offend someone.

So, what are we waiting for?!

Now, as a resident of the great state of Texas, I have certainly experienced what you refer to as “bible-thumping neighbors.” Unlike most churchgoers, these are the very excitable people who just can’t stop themselves from trying to get others to join in their beliefs. They’ll relentlessly invite you to bible study, to bible book clubs, to bible pot lucks, and sometimes they’ll even try to sell you giant crucifix necklaces made out of pink and yellow rhinestones. (Again, I live in Texas.)

But while this is certainly annoying, please remember that the reason they’re inviting you is because they like you and they want you to experience what to them is a wonderful thing. (Either that or they think you’re going straight to hell and your only chance of redemption is spending the rest of your days making scrapbooks for Jesus.) (In which case, welcome to the club. May I borrow your scissors?)

You’ve politely refused their invitations and they still won’t listen, so it’s time to get more assertive. Sternly tell them that while you understand their desire to proselytize, you’re not interested and they need to respect that. They may pout, but it’ll probably do the trick.

If it doesn’t, then simply shave your head, put on an orange robe, and ask them to play the tambourine while you chant and hand out flowers at the airport.

That’s how I got out of summer bible camp.

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

10 Responses to “Holy Moly, Stop Inviting Me to Church”

03.02.10#1

Comment by hokgardner.

Or you could tell them that you are a Wiccan and invite them to the next meeting of your coven. Odds are, they’ll decline and leave you alone for fear that you’ll cast a spell on them.

Muirgen Reply:

Or perform an exorcism in your fron yard…

03.02.10#2

Comment by Sophie.

Or say you’re Jewish and act offended.

Marinka Reply:

Just make sure that you’re chewing on a bagel when you announce that. Or are counting coins.

03.02.10#3

Comment by Andrea's Sweet Life.

Here in California, we just put up a sign in the front yard declaring our support of gay marriage. Although, in Texas it may result in being *dragged* to the church.

03.03.10#4

Comment by chelswatts.

Just start swearing profusely whenever your neighbors are around and tell them your Tourettes meds just don’t work like they used to… that should do the trick

03.03.10#5

Comment by kmdguerra.

I totally lied to some Mormons once that we were Jewish…it would have worked if my husband hadn’t been laughing his ass off in the other room.

Your neighbors probably aren’t thinking you’re going to hell; they’re probably thinking you just need to socialize and want to include you in their activities! Maybe if you tell them you have another activity planned when they ask you to whatever religious event they got going on, the invites might taper off. And if they don’t, well…any of the above suggestions works too!

03.05.10#6

Comment by Plano Mom.

Tell them you already have a faith community and they can quit worrying about your soul. They don’t have to know that it’s your friends here at TMH.

08.23.11#7

Comment by Brattus Rattus.

My boss was like that. Wanting me to go to her church and sitting there like Judgy McJudgerson. I had enough and told her I was Atheist. It totally worked and she was afraid to even speak to me let alone ask me to church.

05.17.12#8

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