30 Nov
Sex Math

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My fiancé and I have always had amazing sex, for the first three years of our relationship we were intimate two or three times a day every day. For the past year he has become un-interested in sex and more interested in cuddling in front of the TV, which I love to do, after sex.

Things have slowed down a lot, and I am starting to feel neglected. He is 29 and I am 28, is it normal for a man to lose so much sex drive? I’ve tried dressing up, wearing lingerie and even porn! The most I get is me on top for 5 or 8 minutes two or three times a week. We are both fitness nuts (I am a yoga teacher beside my normal job) and I am insanely attracted to my man, I just wish he reciprocated my advances. HELP!!!

Signed,

What Do I Do

______________________

Dear Do Me,

Oh great, a math question.  Fine.

Let’s say 2.5 times a day, every day for a year.  That’s 912.5 sexes a year.  Times three years, and we’re up to 2737.5.  You don’t happen to remember what that .5 was, do you? It’s kind of bugging me. (Also, I now have my Lotto numbers! I’m out of this joint, suckers!)

Due to excessive sex over the last three years, I suspect that you broke his penis or have already had your lifetime allotment of sex. And probably some other people’s as well. (Thanks a LOT, by the way.)

So, definitely get him a check up. But most importantly, talk to him.

It may be unrealistic to expect the three times a day sex (when did you get your TV viewing in?!) but if you’re feeling neglected, you need to have an intimacy discussion.

Some couples may find it awkward to have a candid conversation about sex; they expect it to just happen after all, but it’s worth talking about.

Discuss the things that you can do to get those numbers up (we have quotas to meet here, people!) and see if you can agree on a challenge. A friend of The Mouthy Housewives, Betty wrote a wonderful book documenting the 52 Seductions that she and her husband shared. Some great (and tried and true) ideas there.

So start talking. Find out if the two of you are going through a phase or something else is happening. And then turn off the TV. (Yes, it does pain me to type that.)

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH
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9 Responses to “Sex Math”

11.30.11#1

Comment by Wendi.

You can break a penis?!

Catherine Reply:

Haven’t you ever seen Grey’s Anatomy??

Broken penis.

11.30.11#2

Comment by Betty Herbert.

It’s such a toughie, this one – partly because we expect men to be up for it all the time. This is, I’m afraid, a big old myth.

Be assured that a droop in sexual desire and/or frequency is really, really normal, and doesn’t mean anything about the quality of your relationship. When we’re first together, a heady cocktail of hormones keeps us running to the bedroom. These eventually wear off. And it’s a big test: do we give up on sex, or do we fight for the erotic part of our relationship? It takes both partners negotiating and making a lot of effort.

Your man might be a bit sensitive about even talking about it at first, but persist, gently. Get back to trying new things and flirting again. And, please: stop counting! Great sex is about quality not quantity. You might need to accept having sex less often in return for more communication, intimacy and intensity. Not a bad trade-off!

Good luck. I’ve *so* been there!

11.30.11#3

Comment by VG.

Wait until you get married & have kids! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Sorry having an evil day :-\

11.30.11#4

Comment by danielle.

I think you may be misinterpreting what true intimacy is. Sex is not the only way a couple should be intimate with eachother.

I think it’s great you’ve had such a sexual connection for all those years letter writer. I myself have always been way more into sex than my spouse. When you’re feeling a bit unsatisfied you may just want to take care of your own orgasm. ;)

11.30.11#5

Comment by Plano Mom.

If he were 39, I’d say low testosterone. But he’s 29, which makes me wonder if you’ve got a jewel of a man who wants intimacy outside of sex. When you can slow down and stop worrying about an agenda or end goal, the days-long foreplay can be a wonderful, physical AND emotional experience.

11.30.11#6

Comment by Sandra.

Is it wrong that when she wrote that they cuddle in front of the TV, I wondered what show they were watching?

12.02.11#7

Comment by same problem.

I’ve got the same problem with my 35 yo husband of 2 years. But cut the frequency by about 99%. I’d be happy, no elated, with 2-3/week but we have just had our longest stretch of about 3 weeks now. I know its not about the numbers but even the quality is just so-so over the last few months. We talk about it, but he usually just feels bad that he is disappointing me and promises to make more of an effort. Sometimes he makes guess that its because he’s working out too much or not enough or is too tired. There is nothing physically wrong with him, no medications. And of course the idea that the man’s libido is supposed to be so much higher is such a stumbling block to finding good advice. Porn and just going off by myself are not options I am willing to entertain. Any other ideas? Grateful for any wisdom on the subject.

12.06.11#8

Comment by The War To Save Our Sex Life | The Mouthy Housewives.

[...] British Betty Herbert giving sex advice. Because I’ve exhausted my knowledge on the subject last week. And Betty just happens to have written a book about it. Enjoy the wisdom and don’t forget to [...]

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