18 Jan
My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand Over Me!

Hold on to your lattes, ladies, because we’ve got a guest Mouthy Housewife on deck today. Miss Yvonne of Yo Mama’s Blog is bringin’ the sass, the spunk, and the spumante! (I hope, anyway. What else am I going to do with all of this orange juice?) She makes me laugh on the regular with her no-holds-barred humor, and really knows how to pull off a mustache. So, without further ado, let’s hear what Miss Yvonne has to say about jerking off! –Kristine

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My boyfriend is masturbating when I am home. We have sex 2-3 times a week, and he knows I want more than that, but he still sometimes chooses to masturbate. Is there something wrong with our relationship where he won’t come to me instead?

Don’t get me wrong: I know guys masturbate, and it doesn’t bother me if he does it when I’m “not available” so to speak, but sometimes this interferes with our sex life. I’ll try to initiate and he won’t get hard, or I won’t be able to get him off because he’s already relieved himself. This makes me feel incredibly inadequate.

I’ve told him specifically how him masturbating with me in the next room, awake, and willing, hurts my feelings, but that doesn’t seem to matter. I don’t want to live my life feeling inadequate for the man I love. What should I do?

Signed,

Sexually Frustrated

__________________________________________

Dear Sexually Frustrated,

First let me say that I feel your pain, as can most women at some point in their lives. You are not alone in your feelings of inadequacy, but take heart because all is not lost.

Based on your email, I’m assuming that your boyfriend is fairly open with you about his masturbating, ummm…schedule.   This is a good sign.   This means he feels comfortable with you knowing that he’s in the other room wanking it.   He’s not hiding it or feeling ashamed of what he is doing.   This bodes well for your relationship and probably means he’s not in there watching some kind of deviant porn or having phone sex.

I know it hurts when your man seems more interested in his hand than you.   But it isn’t about you.   It’s about him, getting his rocks off quickly without having to engage in foreplay or worrying about if he’s going to be able to get you off before he’s done. It doesn’t mean he wants to cheat on you, doesn’t love you or doesn’t find you sexually attractive.   In fact, since you’re doing it 2-3 times per week, I would say it’s the exact opposite.

As long as you have a great relationship in all other aspects, he’s not isolating himself from you and doesn’t jerk off more than once or twice a day, then things are probably okay.   Try to remember that men just aren’t as evolved as women (apologies to my husband).   They think about food, sex and cars…not necessarily in that order…with a bit of work, family, and miscellaneous thrown in there. They don’t obsess over things like we do. What I’m saying is that sometimes a wank is just a wank.

Now, if having sex 2-3 times a week is just not cutting it for you (ah, I remember those days), then maybe you need to step up your game. Take the reins, mama!   Initiate a quickie before getting ready for work in the morning.   Send him flirty text messages during the day telling him you can’t wait to get home and do naughty things to him.   Dress up as his favorite fantasy character (Princess Leia in the gold bikini anyone?).   If he watches porn (of course he does), ask him to watch some with you in bed.

And if that doesn’t work, tell him you’ll give him more blow jobs if he stops jerking off so much.   Works for me, every time.

Signed,

Miss Yvonne, Guest TMH

27 Responses to “My Boyfriend Prefers His Hand Over Me!”

01.18.12#1

Comment by Cate8.

Ask if you can watch him masturbate

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01.18.12#2

Comment by JuH.

Ask if you can mutually masturbate with him.

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Miss Yvonne Reply:

This tends to work.

I mean, so I’ve heard.

*ahem*

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01.18.12#3

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

It sounds like he is being passive aggressive by masturbating when he knows you want more sex, and doing it while you are at home even though he knows it bothers you. He is showing you that he is going to do what he wants when he wants no matter what you want.It’s most likely a control issue.

I really don’t agree with it being okay for him to jerk off b/c he doesn’t want to take the time to please you/mess with sex. That is just plain inconsiderate on his part. Just b/c men are supposedly programmed to be simpletons (which I don’t believe, I think they want us to believe that b/c it makes things easier for them) doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to snub your needs while getting their own met.

If it were me, I would start snubbing him so he can see how it feels. I would also leave for a few hours (Starbuck’s and a book anyone??) every time he started wanking off with me in the other room, and make sure he is clear on why you left. You can’t control him, but you can control you and how you react to what he is doing. I certainly wouldn’t keep pursuing more sex with him b/c that puts him in control of the situation. Begging is not becoming, and may contribute more to his passive aggressiveness/controlling behavior.

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Miss Yvonne Reply:

Sorry, but I don’t agree. Snubbing your partner because he masturbated sounds like a really bad idea. Nothing like withholding sex to encourage worse behavior…especially since she said she would like MORE sex. Why not try to work through the issue together and enrich your sex life instead?

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JuH Reply:

Seriously? There is nothing wrong with self pleasure. Maybe she could try it.

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Cate8 Reply:

just what I was thinking….

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01.18.12#4

Comment by Kathy.

Agree that his masturbating has nothing to do with you. It’s quick and no foreplay. So please don’t take that personally. Two to three times a week sounds like a good amount of sex to me. Can you maybe satisfy yourself?

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01.18.12#5

Comment by Marinka.

Very handy advice!

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01.18.12#6

Comment by mtwildflower.

Oh my God.

Is nothing sacred?

Talk to a sex therapist.

In private.

Please.

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Marinka Reply:

In the world of problems, nothing is sacred. At least not if “sacred” means “do not talk about it.”

Personally, I think that talking to a therapist is often a good idea, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting a hand, err– getting wisdom from The Mouthy Housewives.

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Kristine Reply:

Masturbation is no fun and should be shared with everyone!

Wait…maybe it’s “secrets”

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TheHappyBaker Reply:

Oh, get down off that horse of yours.

Nobody’s forcing you to read this blog, and sex has been a relatively common topic here, and some good advice has been given.

If willingly reading a blog post about sex unbalances your delicate sensitivities, then perhaps YOU need to go speak with a sex therapist.

And to answer your question, no. It’s the internet. Nothing is sacred here. That has pretty much been established.

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mtwildflower Reply:

Yes, that is true.

The Internet is that black hole where no manners or self-respect need not apply.

My bad.

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Miss Yvonne Reply:

If you think this is bad, whatever you do, do not google “toss my salad”.

You did it, didn’t you?

Yeah you did.

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Plano Mom Reply:

I didn’t, but I love, love your answer.

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mtwildflower Reply:

No. I didn’t.

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01.18.12#7

Comment by Jillers.

Certainly an interesting topic! Sure it can be hard to discuss. Men and women just differ in this area. Sometimes I think men sometimes “use the hand” because that is what they have always done from a young age. I agree with the part about they are just feeling it and not wanting to jump through all the hoops, I never thought about it like that before. The fact that 2-3 times a week he isn’t using the hand suggests to me that most of the time he is coming to you, which is a good thing and sounds much like my relationship. Yes sometimes I get perturbed by the fact I think my husband has already relieved himself and I am ready to go, but life goes on. I also don’t think this should be a sacred topic. If something is on your mind, if you are open enough to ask about it, then be open enough to receive responses about it. Sometimes a therapist isn’t needed for something that is just normal. Making that big of an issue over it may make him start using the hand more which would not be a good thing!!! I say talk to him about it if it makes you feel better but don’t try to make him feel ashamed about it, which is what many women probably do. I myself have done that before and found that belittling them about it does not help the situation at all. Good luck, and enjoy your 2-3 times more than ever!!!

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01.18.12#8

Comment by Wendi.

Thanks for tackling this one, Miss Yvonne.

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01.18.12#9

Comment by I'm a big ol' b with a captial B!.

I agree that it’s not personal. It’s just that he wants to get off. I also agree that in the great scheme of things, this isn’t that big of a deal when it comes to relationships and I’m sure you two can work something out if you talk about it openly and work on a compromise.

Maybe he needs to hear that sometimes you want a quickie, too. Maybe you don’t always want the foreplay and snuggling afterward as well? I bet if he were able to get to the gettin’ and both of you go your separate ways when you’re done (reading a book, tv, etc) he may very well choose you over his hand sometimes. Not every experience needs to be long and drawn out. The shorter ones can be fun, too and maybe he needs to hear that you’re up for that.

No, nothing is sacred on the internet and as long as we’re mature adults I don’t see why we can’t discuss sexual topics. I mean, we all have sex, right? We’re trying to help each other out, right? What’s the big freaking deal?

I also agree that you should NOT withhold sex. First, it’s absolutely not a healthy thing to do in a relationship. Second, it’s well, that’s defeating the purpose here! Third, it’s playing head games. And fourth, it’s well.. just plain bitchy.

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01.19.12#10

Comment by melanie.

MISS YVONNE kills. I’m picturing her as Miss Yvonne from PeeWee’s playhouse, which makes her response even better, cuz she and Cowboy Curtis had something going on and then he turned out to be Lawrence Fishburn, so thereyougo.

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Miss Yvonne Reply:

That is EXACTLY where I took my name from. My husband is Captain Carl, although I always thought Cowboy Curtis had it goin’ on.

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01.19.12#11

Comment by vodka tonic.

Maybe the hand doesn’t nag.

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01.19.12#12

Comment by Kara.

Join him at his game. If you know he’s masturbating, walk in on him and take over. He’ll still get off, and maybe next time he’ll be more inclined to come to you if you’re home. At the very least, if he wants to, um, pleasure himself, he’ll think twice about doing it with you home.

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01.23.12#13

Comment by wendy.

A calm, neutral, fact finding conversation sounds like a good idea. Most importantly, free of criticism, free of negative judgement, free of unpleasant voice tone. Discussing how they can improve sex so that he’s willing to have sex with her more often. Introducing a vibrator, for example, to cut down on time.

Because I don’t know what all “hoops” he has to jump through – many women take a long time to orgasm – doing what you can to shorten the process could help.

I agree there’s a passive aggressive feel to masturbating in the next room when she’s aware. There could be deeper relationship issues. She could be contemptuous about it. He could be overly reliant on porn. I’ve heard experts’ rule of thumb, porn is fine when there’s no partner available and as long as she doesn’t mind. But with your woman in the next room craving sex? Might be worth exploring in therapy.

I’m not sure quickies will do it for her, either. And certainly blow jobs, not in lieu of reciprocating sex. Occasionally treat him to no-obligation blow jobs or quickies? That’s a nice thing. But not on a regular basis. It’s not him we want to satisfy, it’s her, because he’s already satisfying himself just fine. She wants to be included.

In any case, that wouldn’t work for me at all. Neither would I like to have to entice with role playing or kittenish, sexy garb. Not my thing and thankfully not my partner’s. Worth suggesting but tread carefully. Lots of individual preferences to consider.

Or maybe it will work because it isn’t orgasm relief she wants so much as more closeness, more emotional intimacy. Some men are more emotionally available after a good orgasm.

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12.04.12#14

Comment by Yarrow.

I am going through the same thing. My boyfriend travels for work and I’m sure he watches porn then. There shouldn’t be a reason for him to be masturbating when I haven’t seen him for weeks. Especially since we don’t have a regular sec life because he doesn’t have the drive. He will be in the bathroom for hours so I know it’s not a quickie. Tonight alone he has already been in there 3 hours and still isn’t done. You cannot tell me he isn’t watching porn on his phone either. Yes I feel angry because I already told him when he went in there that I was awake and available and he kept on tugging. I feel hurt also because I would like to know why I’m not attractive enough for him to have sex.

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01.04.14#15

Comment by Amber.

Hi, my boyfriend masterbates a few times a day and didnt tell me until recently he feels its becoming a problem because he cant satisfy me sexually anymore. It just doesnt stay up. I dont know how to feel about this. He said looking online to tell someone you trust and im happy its me. But what do I do now? He said its been a problem in his past relationships but never mentioned it. He also told me that he thinks its because he knows I will be the last girl hes ever slept with he wants a family and everything. But he also said he looks at hot girls n he still thinks of them as unwrapped gifts or candy and he wants to see them naked. I found pictures of girls naked on his computer and cell phone from someone he knew and once had a thing with. Im just so conflicted. I feel like im not beautiful that im the problem but I know that its not true because I am. Ive always been known to be strong and everyone has there own life story that they can say. I am strong but to what point do I know to keep being strong and when to stop.

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