17 Oct
Let’s Take the Sex Out of Halloween

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Are there any Halloween costumes for women that aren’t “slutty?” I’m a married woman in my 40’s and want something fun, but not sleazy. Help!

Signed,

No Fishnets Please

__________________________

Dear No Fishnets Please,

You’re a married woman in your 40’s who doesn’t want to look slutty? Then obviously you don’t live on my street, baby, BOOM! In your face, moms with cleavage! You’re not so hot, you Bunco losers!

Anyway, you came to the right person with this question because I’m known for dressing in TOTALLY unsexy Halloween costumes. Like the time in college I went as “a Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 20’s I went as “an older Grateful Dead ticket scalper,” and the time in my 30’s when I went as…well, you get the idea. Let’s just say that Mrs. Aarons used to own a few tie-dye and hemp shirts.

But fear not, my little prude, because I have many other ideas for you! In fact, there’s a whole world of costumes out there besides Skanky Kitty. Like this one:

Photo via Crushable.com

Can you feel that steam heat? Simply put on a bowling shirt, a newsboy cap, a neck pillow and a wrist brace and suddenly you’re Melissa McCarthy from Bridesmaids! Hilarious, right? (Just don’t poop in the sink because that’s what we in the image consulting business call “overkill.”)

Or how about this unsexy costume?

Yeah, that’s right: a Wal-Mart Greeter! Except you wouldn’t be an old white guy with a $5 haircut. Just slap on a blue polyester vest, some stupid propaganda buttons and yell, “Good mornin’!” to everyone you see and you’ll be the hit of the party! Trust me, your weird neighbor Gary won’t even think you’re hot. Especially if you take the extra step of smelling like day-old bread and Gold Bond Powder. Gross!

(Also, it should be noted that when I Googled “Wal-Mart employee image,” 99% of the results were mug shots. All I’m saying is that that shit don’t happen at Target.)

Speaking of shit, here’s a costume I found at SpicyLegs.com, whose slogan is “Sexy Made Easy.” Yes, right next to Sexy Marge Simpson was this baby:

Get it? “Holy Shit.” It’s a piece of…with angel…and a crossssss….anyway, it’s not slutty, so you’ll definitely have your modesty in this costume. What you won’t have is  friends, dignity, class or wit, but life is all about the give and take, my man. So hold your head high while everyone else is holding their noses.

If none of those work, just let me know. I have a few hemp skirts I can send you.

Good luck!

Wendi, TMH

And here are some too sexy kids’ costumes we wrote about last year.

9 Responses to “Let’s Take the Sex Out of Halloween”

10.17.12#1

Comment by Ester Jean.

Just go with scary instead. Bride of Frankenstein, the lady from Hitchcock’s “Birds,” a zombie… I think women who take Halloween back into the scary zone are rad. Of course, I’m being Arwen from LOtR this year, so it doesn’t have to be over-analyzed. No, I will not loan you my elf ear tips.

Danielle Reply:

Zomg. Hitchcock’s “Birds”. You are my Halloween HERO!
Off to find stuffed ravens.

10.17.12#2

Comment by Avprobeauty.

I like the halloween theme and witty response but, sorry, are you really so uncreative you needed to write into a blog for costume help? Zombies, a duck, a hotdog, mustard, a 40’s housewife, your favorite star, a cartoon character, a movie producer, anyone you want to be ever besides yourself, and the list goes on. And how bout, be creative?? I know someone who went as Old Gregg one year, it was hilarious!!! Grrr Halloween is my fave, sounds like this person is a real party pooper- not because of no sex- because lack of enthusiasm!!

10.17.12#3

Comment by Stephanie.

What in the hell is that last costume?! I’d have to pretend I didn’t know whoever showed up in that. Those first two, you may laugh, but not bad. Not bad!

10.17.12#4

Comment by ColdBlooded.

You can always browse the costume websites for ideas and take out the sexy part. Or just dress up as poop – that might be easier.

10.17.12#5

Comment by janine.

After last night’s debate, my old college rooomate decided to go as “a binder full of women” for Halloween this year.

10.18.12#6

Comment by unfunfriend.

I am so in love with Melissa McCarthy. Genius – off to buy a neck pilow…

10.19.12#7

Comment by ksider.

I went to the Goodwill and found everything I needed to be Jan Brady for Halloween. Then everywhere I went I performed Keep On Movin’ for many reluctant audiences. It was a big hit. (Not really)

10.25.12#8

Comment by What's with the Old People Begging for Candy on Halloween? | The Mouthy Housewives.

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