14 Jun
Leave My Friends Out of Your Fantasies!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I have the classic ‘caught my bf w/porn’ situation, but with a twist. I am not that comfortable with any kind of porn, but he has accidentally left it on his computer screen (downloads of ALL kinds) and I have somewhat given up caring even though it still stings just a little bit. But what really killed me was when I found a picture (downloaded from Facebook) of one of my best friends opened on the computer screen. Trying to keep an open mind, I thought of different situations that might require him to have said pic (other than jerking off), but when I looked at where the pic was coming from it was in a folder with all his other porn with EVERY SINGLE WOMAN I know in it. I was disgusted!!

It left some awful mental images that still hurt and still make it hard to look at my friends in the eye. I tearfully confronted him about it, and he said he was sorry and deleted it ALL (even the “regular” porn). I am trying to accept that porn is ‘normal,’ but I thought he knew that I was NOT comfortable with the friend thing AT ALL. Then today I just found a folder filled with pictures of another friend of ours—pics of her, her with husband (his bff), her with her child- – stored in his porn collection.

I am hurt, again. I love him, and he is caring and wonderful, but this TOTALLY pisses me off. Because it’s someone I know. Is this normal? Am I right to be upset? I understand guys love to masturbate, but that is not the issue that I am concerned about. It’s more that he likes to do it to my pictures of my/our friends. THAT is what totally bothers me – am I crazy? Advice PLEASE!!!

Signed,

Perplexed

____________________________

Dear Perplexed,

Good lord, my picture wasn’t there, was it?  Because I have a face that has launched a thousand…anyway.  I firmly believe that people should masturbate to whatever thoughts/images they want, as long as I don’t have to know about it.  But you already do know about it, and it’s going to be hard to unring that bell.

Yes, I’ve heard that guys love to masturbate,  and I’ve even read a rumor that women enjoy it too.  But that doesn’t mean that you need to be okay with your boyfriend’s masturbating to family portraits of your friends and loved ones. Because that crosses all sorts of lines of common decency and normal behavior and totally gags me.

There are two (ish) problems that I see here.

1. You don’t like the idea of porn, whereas your boyfriend seems to have overcome his discomfort with it.

2. You are superduper uncomfortable with the idea of his having sexual thoughts about every person you have ever met.

The “ish” part comes in because you were snooping in his computer.  Which is a huge sign of mistrust.  And you were rewarded for your detective work with a confirmation that he’s back to his habits.

You describe your boyfriend as caring and wonderful and he very well may be, but it doesn’t make him a good match for you.  Because his behavior is upsetting and hurtful to you, and in my cyber-professional opinion, it’s unlikely to change.  If you want to salvage the relationship, I recommend scheduling a few sessions with a couples therapist to air the issues between you.  If this is behavior that he can change, he will need to make the decision to do so.  Otherwise, you should save yourself a lifetime of hiding holiday photo cards and move on.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

11 Responses to “Leave My Friends Out of Your Fantasies!”

06.14.10#1

Comment by Cheryl.

I’m uptight about porn and I freely admit it. The one thing that really scared me was the fact that there was a picture of a child in there. Sure, the kid was with the mom, but still. Eek!

06.14.10#2

Comment by thepsychobabble.

I’m okay with porn, but that would creep me out, too.

06.14.10#3

Comment by Wendi.

Maybe after the first time, he wanted to get caught the second time…?

Take porn out of the equation and you still have him repeatedly doing something you’ve asked him not to do. This shows a lack of respect for your feelings, if you ask me.

06.14.10#4

Comment by Beth.

icky. porn is so damaging to a real relationship. i know firsthand; my first marriage ended in part because of it. obviously he doesn’t respect your wishes AND he’s creepy.

06.14.10#5

Comment by Peggy Sue Brister.

I guess it’s more a matter fo what you don’t know know won’t hurt you because I have never once gone into my husband’s computer. He could have all kinds of weird stuff in there. I love him and I trust that he is not cheating on me. You kind of crossed the line when you went snooping & like the Mouthy Housewife said, you got rewarded for your detective work. If you had not done that you wouldn’t even know about it. If you love him and want to stay together I suggest you quit snooping through his computer or if you know you cannot accept this aspect of him, move on and save yourself alot of trouble.

06.14.10#6

Comment by Heather, TMH.

Hey Perplexed, have you tried hanging out with REALLY ugly girlfriends? Maybe that would stop him.

06.15.10#7

Comment by Desperate Dietwives.

Creepy guy, really.

Dump him, ’cause he’s not all that wonderful and caring and deep inside you know it full well.

Good Luck!

06.15.10#8

Comment by DarthObsidienne.

I’m guessing no one considered the possibility that this guy just doesn’t care how his photos are organized. Just because he has pics of friends and family in with porn pics doesn’t mean he’s wanking it to family photos. And if he was i’m sure there would be something else going on behavior-wise that would indicate that something is not quite right.

06.15.10#9

Comment by L.

He probably is doing it though, since he apologized and deleted it from the computer when confronted about it the first time.

Ick.

06.17.10#10

Comment by kmdguerra.

Ewww. Sorry honey, but I think you’re probably better off without this one. Unless things are really serious between the two of you, I wouldn’t even bother with the couples’ therapy. From personal experience, he won’t change unless he wants to and it sounds like he doesn’t.

11.30.13#11

Comment by that guy.

Why does this bother you? Fantasies are just that…fantasies. I assume they were adult friends? I, frankly, find porn too smutty. I also find I enjoy any form of fantasy more if my wife is involved. Here is a news flash for you…guys find you sexually appealing. And, likely as not, a lot of guys have masturbated to your image. It’s only creepy if they bring it into the real world and star showing up in your oak tree peeping into your windows. If you are uncomfortable with his fantasy life, an unwilling to take part in it, you should find yourself a good mormon boy. Repression might be more your thing.

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