02 Apr
I Slept with my Employer & Now my Boyfriend is Mad. WTH?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

The boyfriend and I have been dating for three months, exclusive for two. When we first started dating, he asked if I had ever cheated in a relationship. Knowing it was a huge deal-breaker for him because of his own past hurts, I confessed that I had been party to someone else cheating (he was married, I was not) more than 5 years ago. After 5 years of dealing privately with the aftermath of that, I have been thrown back into having to deal with it again. The man and his wife are people I see on a nearly daily basis — I nanny their child, and we have family dinners one night a week. We three have moved past it (after several years of distance, we now maintain healthy relationships).

However, the boyfriend cannot make peace with it. He has very extreme reactions, and I fear he’ll never get over it. He’s now projecting those fears onto my other male friendships (including a longtime friend who is a minister, whose family I treat as my own). I feel like I will have to choose between my boyfriend (who, in all other ways, I adore and feel VERY well-matched with) and my friends and support system. What is a logical girl to do?

Signed,

Confused in Carolina

___________________________________________

Dear Confused,

Um.

Okay.

Let me get this straight, because I stopped paying attention after you told me that YOU’RE WORKING FOR THE MAN WITH WHOM YOU HAD AN AFFAIR, AND YOU EAT DINNER WITH HIM AND HIS WIFE ON THE REGULAR.

What…the…hell?

I find this to be all kinds of messed up. For you, for him, for the wife, and for the child you’re nannying. There’s no reason why you should still be in contact with these people, not to mention WORKING for them. You, he, or she can say you’ve “moved on” all you like, but I find that to be impossible. And, if you really want this relationship with your boyfriend to work, it’s inconsiderate and unfair to him as well.

That said, I also am concerned about his own emotional baggage. Everyone’s been hurt before—-as Forrest Gump once said, shit happens—-but that doesn’t give anyone the license to act erratically or, to use your words, extremely, in subsequent relationships. Your boyfriend has issues he needs to work through, and I’m not so certain you’re the best girl with whom he should be working them out, given your current, um, employment situation.

(OMG, really? I still can’t wrap my head around it.)

So that was my long answer, I suppose. In short:

1. Quit your damn job, girl. There are lots of kids that need nannies in your town. Of this, I am sure.

2. Rethink this relationship with your boyfriend, both for his sake and your own. Set him free, and all that jazz, ya know? This is one wonderful moronathan, I’m afraid, and I don’t see how it’s a good foundation for a relationship that has JUST started.

And did I mention you should quit your job?

OMG,

Kristine, TMH

52 Responses to “I Slept with my Employer & Now my Boyfriend is Mad. WTH?”

04.02.12#1

Comment by Brittany.

Yep, Yep, and YEP.

04.02.12#2

Comment by Marinka.

Definitely. Either quit your job or invite me over for dinner with all of you.

GrandeMocha Reply:

Snort!

04.02.12#3

Comment by Cate8.

What I don’t get is why why why would this wife want you near her child or family? I would wonder if she is plotting harm against you.
Creepy

admin Reply:

Oh, yes, good point.

Wendi

04.02.12#4

Comment by melanie.

Don’t hook up with an insecure guy – what may seem endearing and sweet now will make you want to slam his head in the hood of the car one day. This jealousy could escalate into possessive, controlling obnoxious ass-hat-ness really soon. And quit the job too.

Desperate Dietwives Reply:

I totally agree!!!

04.02.12#5

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

You still work for them? That is all kinds of messed up. The wife is an absolute idiot for allowing it, and I find it very disrespectful to the wife and your boyfriend that you haven’t moved on and found a new job.

As for telling him, I can see why he is suspicious. I would question the moral character of anyone who would have sex with a married person (including the married person.) It would be even more so if they had daily contact with said person. But, I also wonder why you felt the need to tell. If you aren’t going to do it again, really, what good can come of a confession like that? No need to confess past things like that if you know it won’t happen again. All you are doing is placing a burden on someone you love. When you do confess stuff like that, you need to be prepared to deal with the consequences.

arvator Reply:

Yes, because god knows only good things would result from lying about sleeping with a guy she is employed to and is in frequent contact with. It’s not like that would ever come up and gave him an actual basis to be suspicious.

04.02.12#6

Comment by Plano Mom.

Okay, continuing to have a close relationship with your ex only works when the child is yours TOGETHER. Boyfriend may be a little wiggy – okay, a LOT wiggy – however you can’t have a real relationship with anyone, because you’re not really OUT of the relationship you were in before. Just because you aren’t sleeping with him doesn’t mean you’re not emotionally attached.

It occurs to me that your current boyfriend may be worrying about all of your male friends because you don’t seem to have firm boundaries when it comes to men and relationships?

Ace Reply:

you said it!

04.02.12#7

Comment by StephanieG.

Um….Family Dinners? No, Family Dinners are for people who are, you know, part of the family. You’re not family. You’re the former mistress and the hired help. The big problem here is that you can’t see that.

I’m sorry to be so blunt, but let’s call a spade a spade here.

After many years of working for this family, you’ve undoubtedly formed a bond with the child, and clearly, you bonded with the husband. I would strongly question the sanity of the wife in all of this. If my man had slept with the girl who kept MY CHILD every day, I wouldn’t want her in the same county as my family, much less at my dinner table.

I’m thinking boundaries are a big problem for you, and until you get that issue worked out, it’s not fair to “the boyfriend.”

High thee to the therapist, chickadee. You’ve got some things to work out.

rojopaul Reply:

What she said!

admin Reply:

Well put, SG.

Wendi

Ace Reply:

OMG you are awesome

04.02.12#8

Comment by Avprobeauty.

Great advice Kristine. Too bad this girl didn’t have enough smarts to figure it out on her own, I guess sometimes you need to get the hairy eyeball through TMHW to get it straight. Duh.

04.02.12#9

Comment by Carinn @ welcometothemotherhood.

How soon can we enter these people in the next Hunger Games???

Marinka Reply:

ha!

04.02.12#10

Comment by thedoseofreality.

WOW. And she signed it Confused in Carolina which means she could possibly live in MY STATE. Oh Lord, I promise we are not all like that here.
All, I know is I would make the wife try all of my food first.
Speaking of the wife, how soon can we get her some good girlfriends to explain how totally messed up this situation is. Because, clearly, no one is helping her to see this.
Mary Poppins never slept with George Banks.

Catherine Reply:

That you know of. He did seem cheerier when Mary moved in…..

04.02.12#11

Comment by Patty.

I don’t understand what you are all talking about “confusion” – the situation looks pretty clear to me: The problems with the former affair/ former/current employer are solved amicably and in good trust from all sides, and people have indeed moved on. The only problem now are the trust issues on the side of the boyfriend. Either he believes her and what she says, aka: taking her seriously, or *he* needs to move on.
And regarding the comments here, come on: feeding someone to the Hunger Games??! That means *the wish of having someone killed for a situation which is not even threatening to yourself.* Only in this country…

Kristine Reply:

To be fair, I think most things are said tongue-in-cheek on this site. (Plus, I don’t think that Hunger Games are actually real! Phew!) As for the advice: I believe people can move on from infidelity. But when “moving on” means HIRING the mistress and even welcoming her as part of the family, there’s something amiss.

Carinn @ welcometothemotherhood Reply:

While I appreciate your interpretation of my off-handed quip Patty, what I meant was *this situation is steeped in the kind of tension that makes people do things that might seem a little crazy and consequently people love to see played out in entertainment (a la the Hunger Games/Survivor/Bachelor).* But that was wordier and definitely not funny.

If this post had been published 4 weeks ago I would have asked when Bravo was going to start airing the Real Housewives of Carolina.

Keep in mind that this “letter” represents only one side of a very complicated situation. The writer clearly makes it seem like all is well, but I wonder if the wife is seething and thinking she just has to do whatever it takes to stay married and create a family unit for her child. a la Better to keep your enemies close? Or there are 100 other scenarios.

I have no idea, nor do I pretend to. Just as things are “pretty clear” to you, they appear very complicated to me. It seems there is a lot going on here. Probably more than what the original poster wrote, maybe even more than what she knows.

Avprobeauty Reply:

Respectfully, and well said, Carinn.

04.02.12#12

Comment by lh.

There are totally hidden cameras in that house.

Quit your job out of respect for yourself and this family. And your boyfriend has every right to be judgemental.

04.03.12#13

Comment by Patty.

Both Kristine and Carinn, thanks for dealing with that humorless one in such a patient way. Where I am coming from, we don’t do humor. (Germany.) Like that guy in my office the other day who suggested I had slept my way up — imagine this: he was only joking! Who knew.
Now that this is out of the way as well (with a smile, btw.), let me state one more thing. Of course, this is a complicated situation. What I meant was: this is an advice column for those who ask for it, and sometimes those who don’t. I got that impression by all the advice given. Buried under a heavy dose of humor (tongue-in-cheek, I know), but serious advise, usually heavy on family-values. Those who ask for advice present their problem as good and brief as they can. Confused in Carolina’s question seems to be about the boyfriend, and not the employer-family-mistress situation. She chooses to present the situation as solved, and that’s why I treated it as such. (“all cleared up.”) It’s not my problem if she misrepresents the situation and then gets wrong advice subsequently, but I chose to take serious the exact question asked.
If I wouldn’t, I couldn’t even begin to imagine where to clean up this mess and probably suggest quitting. Duh. On the other hand I know situations where these situations turn out well after all. Who knows.

04.04.12#14

Comment by CJ.

DISCLAIMER:
If you are the kind of person who prefers memetic witty internet-banter without serious thought, you will find my following reply alarmist at best, and perhaps unhinged, or full of my own ‘projecting’ at worst. Let me be clear: If you HAVEN’T been in a horrible relationship, you know people who have, and if you’re really honest with yourself, you just might see the potential damage being done to someone who came looking for actual advice.

I don’t know how much you edit the letters you receive, or what, but to me, it didn’t look as though Confused was writing to ask about what she should do regarding her boss, at all. She was only mentioning it to give context regarding her boyfriend’s behavior. (Spoiler alert: It’s a red herring. Her job doesn’t give her boyfriend any license to behave this way. Doesn’t matter if she’s a nanny, an intern, a scientist, a hooker, a lawyer, or a housewife.)

She wants to know what a logical girl should do about a boyfriend who’s being insecure to the point of paranoia, to the point that she’s hinting he’s now suspicious of all the relationships she has with other men, including–seriously, people–a minister.

Let’s reframe this, in no uncertain terms: Confused in Carolina is hinting that her new boyfriend is making her uncomfortable by freaking out about her other male relationships, and is on his way to (or already) telling her she ‘isn’t allowed’ to talk to, or see, or deal with other men, because of his insecurity and/or jealousy. And you skip right by THAT, and instead, ladle on your own hefty dose of judgment regarding her employment situation? Classy.

Jealousy. Insecurity. Paranoia. Unreasonable demands. Those are the first signs of an unhealthy relationship, and it’s judgmental and completely ridiculous of you (or any sycophantic Yes-men in the comments) to suggest that his emotional diarrhea deserves not just consideration (and let’s be clear: it doesn’t, ever, at all) but to be VALIDATED?

Seriously? THIS is the kind of advice you hand out? Telling a woman to bow to the greater wisdom of a whining toddler?

Confused in Carolina? I’ve got a dose of advice for you, based on nothing more substantial than anything TMH has. I can’t back it up with a degree, or anything other than my own experience, but I can at least offer you this much:

Keep going strong. This confusion’s only a bump in the road. If your guy’s worth your time, he’ll get therapy, get over himself, and stick around long enough to join you on family dinners. If not, he’ll slink off and go find some doormat who believes she has to arbitrarily change facets of her life to soothe his wounded ego. Let’s not mince words: your boyfriend’s not making you question something about yourself that you were already thinking of changing because you’d like to ‘better’ yourself (taking classes, eating healthier, developing habits worthy of pride, etc.) That’s the kind of change, compromise, and growth that all good relationships bring. That’s healthy. But make no mistake. That’s not what he’s doing. What he’s doing is saying “Try not to suck any dick on your way to the parking lot!” and by passing judgment on your employment, and telling you to dump the guy because “you’re [not] the best girl with whom he should be working [his issues] out,” all the housewives here are cheering him on.

I, for one, think you deserve better advice.

You haven’t done anything wrong, and don’t deserve to be treated like you have. You’re not a slut or a freak, and there’s nothing wrong with your job. Or your boss. Or his family. Ignore the hell out of these previous commenters.

In fact, congratulations! Congratulations on moving out of a previously unhealthy relationship with an ex and into a better one with your now-boss and his wife and child. Congratulations on having this relationship, and not already caving to the petty demands of a new boyfriend whose insecurities threaten your income and self-reliance.

Now take what self-reliance you have, and firmly tell your boyfriend the following:

1. Get therapy.
2. You don’t own me.
3. You don’t own my past.
4. I don’t owe you anything except honesty, and follow-through on whatever promises we make one another based on OUR agreed-upon status of relationship, and not anyone else’s judgment of what a ‘proper’ or ‘decent’ relationship should be.
5. Get therapy.
6. You will never be allowed to tell me who I can and cannot see, build a relationship with, visit, talk to, touch, love, be employed by, or otherwise make contact with. Never. To do so is an attempt to control me. That is not love. That is a power struggle. Be honest with me; you deserve to be heard, but your past baggage has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with YOUR past. YOU deal with it.
7. If you issue me ultimatums, it’s a clear declaration that your need to control me comes before your acceptance of me, and you will summarily find yourself single.
8. Seriously — Get. Therapy.

Based on his reaction, you can either mark him off as a potential keeper, or as a learning experience.

Good luck!

Kristine Reply:

Thanks for the insight, CJ! I actually agree with you regarding the boyfriend, which I mentioned in the original advice.

“That said, I also am concerned about his own emotional baggage. Everyone’s been hurt before—-as Forrest Gump once said, shit happens—-but that doesn’t give anyone the license to act erratically or, to use your words, extremely, in subsequent relationships.”

CJ Reply:

..that’s kind of my point.

You make her valid concern over her boyfriend’s extreme behavior come second to your judgment regarding her life and work.

Your comments about her work are ‘HURR HURR I CAN’T EVEN THINK BECAUSE WHAT YOU’RE DOING IS BAD WRONG STUPID HURR HURR’ and then you follow it up with a lame, hand-wavy sort of ‘That being said, he doesn’t have license to blah blah’ (which is the weakest nod toward Carolina’s right to expect decent treatment from an intimate partner that I’ve ever seen) and then you even undercut THAT with ‘you shouldn’t be dating him anyway because of your job which is, by the way, SO messed up hurr hurr hurr!’

Kristine Reply:

As Wendi mentioned below, our site is clearly marked with the following:

“Although The Mouthy Housewives offer a great deal of wisdom, this is an entertainment site and should not take the place of medical and psychological treatment.”

I don’t understand your anger over a post that is consistent with what the Mouthy Housewives have always done.

Andie Reply:

THANK YOU. The whole time I was reading the response to Confused’s letter, I was wondering why Kristine was being all shame-y about Confused’s job. If the whole family – husband, wife, child – is okay with Confused being there, then nobody else’s opinion matters.

K Reply:

This woman should really not be answering any people who are in vulnerable states–she makes bad situation even worse! She should seriously get off her soapbox and go read some self-help books on how to accept other people who are different. I suggest this beautiful piece by Single Dad Laughing: http://www.danoah.com/2011/11/im-christian-unless-youre-gay.html
And as for advice, she should leave that to people like CJ who actually know how to give it!

Marinka Reply:

Are you seriously comparing being gay with being an adulterer? Because I’m getting ready to climb on one huge soapbox and may not descend for a while.

We provide advice. Sometimes it’s hard to hear.

CJ Reply:

Oddly enough, K, that’s how I ended up at THIS site — I linksurfed from Dan’s. 🙂

And I’ll reply here, since I can’t reply to Marinka directly, for some reason.

I don’t believe she’s comparing homosexuality to adultery. Just like Dan wasn’t actually comparing homosexuality to drug addition.

Correct me if I’m wrong, please, but I believe K was trying to explain that Kristine’s inability or unwillingness to ignore the boss-sex-wife-nanny issue in favor of addressing Carolina’s ACTUAL question was symptomatic of what Dan Pearce’s essay refers to as the need to be ‘better’ than others.

To quote:

To put our arm around someone […] who lives a different lifestyle, someone who is not what we think they should be… doing that has nothing to do with enabling them or accepting what they do as okay by us. It has nothing to do with encouraging them in their practice of what you or I might feel or believe is wrong vs right.

It has EVERYTHING to do with being a good human being. A good person.

End quote.

I think what K’s saying (and if I’m correct, then I certainly agree) is that the advice of a Mouthy Housewife shouldn’t come from a holier-than-thou place of judgment. That it can come from a place of listening, compassion, and encouragement, and still be funny. To do otherwise, and judge, label, or condemn what is different, is damaging.

Could be my interpretation, however; I’d love to hear from K herself, in case I got it wrong, or missed anything.

K Reply:

Oh no, you got it completely right CJ 😉 Marinka obviously read the title or maybe even glanced at the first paragraph but didn’t bother to venture any further, so she was just talking with no knowledge of what she was saying.

Eater Reply:

…said The Only Sane Person in the World

04.05.12#15

Comment by Wendi.

“Although The Mouthy Housewives offer a great deal of wisdom, this is an entertainment site and should not take the place of medical and psychological treatment.”

04.05.12#16

Comment by CJ.

You don’t understand my anger? Assuming you want to, I’ll attempt to explain:

(I get …really wordy, below. There is no TL;DR version. If you think this is too much SRSBZNS for your internets, that’s okay — go find a lolcat, and come back later.)

God forbid this post is consistent with other Housewife advice, by the way. I’d been hoping it was an isolated incident based on a late night of watching too much Netflix and not enough coffee in the morning. This was the first post I’d ever read on this site — if all the rest are as shaming and judgmental, I suppose I can see why you’re as surprised at my reaction as I am at your attitudes.

I’m angry, because I’ve been dragged past the point of blissful ignorance into a distinctly uncomfortable realization that sometimes women are just plain mean to other women, under the guise of ‘advice’ or ‘entertainment’. Because it’s apparently the only way some of us know how to rise up, and feel like we’re going to be worth anything. We’re not going to tackle the male-dominated origins of misogyny (that would be hard, and we don’t deserve to stop it anyway, right?) — instead, we’ll appropriate it, and turn the self-hatred we’ve been taught into an outright hatred for our cohorts. After all, they’re only women. Fun times, right?

I’m angry because someone vulnerable asked you a tough question and you had a chance to give a meaningful answer — one that would provide an example to readers on how to spot a potentially abusive relationship, how to reassure a woman who is confused about her feelings and what behavior toward her is appropriate, how to really listen to what someone needs, how to say without doubt or hedging that a woman’s right to friendships, pleasure, security, and the validity of her own judgment is inalienable, and instead, you took the easy way out, made that vulnerable woman the butt of your joke, and demonstrated to every reader that your ‘advice’ is only for those nice girls who would never do anything so heinous as to sleep with a married person and then not simply immolate herself from shame.

Still don’t understand? Let me be as clear as I can:

A WOMAN ASKED YOU IF SHE DESERVED TO BE TREATED POORLY BY SOMEONE WHO CLAIMS TO LOVE HER, BECAUSE OF HER PAST SEXUAL HISTORY. You didn’t answer that question directly. Instead, YOU treated her poorly, as well! You mocked her stable relationship (the one she WASN’T asking you about, remember?) because you didn’t understand it, and said she shouldn’t have the new one she was confused about either, but not because the guy treated her poorly, oh no — but because SHE COULDN’T HELP HIM through “his issues.”

As if she SHOULD help him through those! As if HIS issues are HER fault! You made a lame attempt to mention that his neuroses don’t entitle him to behave badly, but those words stand in stark contrast to your slut-shaming actions and your overt mockery of a relationship you can’t see and don’t understand.

Because you did NOT declar outright that her boyfriend’s actions are completely unfounded, not her fault, not her responsibility, undeserved by her, and potentially abusive/downright dangerous, you told her–and all of your readers, (some of them young women who look to you because you’re witty, popular, and are supposed to know what you’re talking about)–that not only did she DESERVE his suspicion and paranoia, she deserved your scorn, too. And the scorn of your friends. And that of anyone else on the internet.

“But we’re just a site for humor!” you say. “But it’s only supposed to be funny!”

Oh! Oh, my bad. Excuse me for thinking you can be entertaining without shaming someone. Sorry — I assumed humor didn’t have to be about telling someone else their life was SO MESSED UP that you OMG can’t get your head around it.

…you can’t wrap your head around THAT? Really?

So, when women try to ‘be nice’ and ‘go with the flow’ and ‘don’t make waves’ because otherwise they’d ‘just be a bitch’, women end up staying in relationships they shouldn’t, for too long. It doesn’t stop there. If a man doesn’t take responsibility for his own screwed-up mental state, no woman ever COULD heal it, even if it WAS her job. So instead, they compromise what they believe in, to stay close to someone who just ‘needs some reassurance’. They push away their male friends in an attempt to make sure their boyfriend doesn’t feel bad, or get angry, or have ‘extreme reactions’. It doesn’t stop there, either. They shoulder the blame while an angry boyfriend tells them they’re wrong/bad/stupid because they did something he didn’t like. They are systematically isolated from family and friends because of a boyfriend’s insecurity. They tell themselves how fat they are, how stupid they are, how much of a slut they are. They cry themselves to sleep at night, and begin to believe every awful thing they’re told by the insecure, paranoid, jealous, power-hungry men in their lives. IT DOESN’T STOP THERE. They forgive, and beg for the love of a person who is so unable to get over himself, who is so DAMAGED, that he has to DAMAGE others, because they are TOLD that that is what a NICE girl DOES. She doesn’t complain. She doesn’t put up a fight or stand up for herself.

You can accept THAT without a comment — you can walk right by the chance to tell her (and every Confused in Carolina out there) that she is RIGHT to worry about ‘extreme reactions’ and it is OKAY for her to stand up for herself… but you ‘can’t wrap your head around’ her sexual history and current employment? CALL THE PRESS! SOME SLUT HAD CONSENSUAL SEX WITH HER BOSS YEARS AGO! HIS WIFE KNOWS AND DOESN’T CARE BUT IT’S OBVIOUS FROM OUR LIMITED KNOWLEDGE OF THE SITUATION THAT THEY’RE JUST SO SCREWED UP WE SHOULD ALL LAUGH AT THEM! WE CAN FIT THIS STORY IN RIGHT NEXT TO WHAT KIM KARDASHIAN HAD FOR BREAKFAST! COME ON, EVERYONE! DOGPILE ON THE PEOPLE WHO AREN’T LIKE US! LET’S. ALL. LAUGH!

Do you understand me now?

You flat out told a woman she deserved scorn. You didn’t have to say that explicitly. Because you did it to her. And by NOT telling her she DIDN’T deserve it, and by mocking her openly, you made your opinion very clear.

And then! By not immediately saying ‘Oh, crap, sorry!’ when you were called on it, you reinforced the fact that you don’t think what you did was wrong. In fact, you think it was funny! And you think I’m just ‘angry’, and that your advice was not bad, just ‘hard to hear’.

I have a little news for you: I’m not just angry. I’m disgusted. I’m insulted on behalf of women everywhere, including those who don’t yet know it’s 2012, we can put on shoes, leave the kitchen, provide for ourselves, and we don’t have to hate each other to be secure in our own happiness. Surprise!

Your advice wasn’t hard to hear — it was misguided and ignorant at best, and ridiculous, offensive, and damaging, at worst.

What kind of example do you want to provide for the multitudes who read what you put out here?

Do you have children? Do you want your sons to be raised to believe he can tell his girlfriend with whom she’s ‘allowed’ to be friends? That if he’s hurt in a past relationship, he should carry that baggage forward and dump it on his new one, because if she’s the ‘right’ kind of girl, she’ll handle that for him, and any girl who demands decent treatment is NOT ‘right’? Do you want your daughters to be raised to believe their boyfriends can dictate their relationships? That it’s their duty to bow to someone’s wounded ego at the risk of losing their own self worth? Do you want to promote a culture of guilt and shame, where men should be ‘helped through their insecurity issues’ but women should be mocked for having sex, defining their own relationships, being self-sufficient, and god-forbid, being different from you?

I can’t believe I’m having to argue these points. If you did not realize them before, that’s one thing. If you did not understand that you were caught up in the very seductive cycle of “blame, shame, laugh it off” that’s understandable. It’s insidious. It’s shoved into the heart of every woman you know, so she doesn’t stand up and slap the face of every male in existence, out of sheer outrage for all we’ve had to put up with. It’s what’s still keeping us from earning equal pay for equal work. It’s what makes women have to teach their daughters ‘How to avoid rape’ instead of men teaching their sons that RAPE IS NEVER OKAY AND IF YOU DON’T COMPREHEND THAT, SON, I WILL BURY YOU IN THE BACK YARD, DO YOU HEAR ME?

Or did it never occur to you that it’s the rapist’s fault? Don’t feel too bad, if you didn’t — we’ve been pointing the finger at other women for a long time. It’s painfully easy to get caught up.

However.

You (the universal you) have little responsibility in life, in general. No one expects you to save the world. No one needs you to be a martyr, or champion every cause. No one needs you to pull out your soapbox for every injustice. But please, for pity’s sake, don’t make it worse. Don’t breeze into a situation in ignorance and make hateful jokes about it. And when you DO do that (because we ALL do), for heaven’s sake, show a little grace. Don’t get defensive and demand that you shouldn’t be held accountable because you were only trying to ‘be funny’. Admit you didn’t know what you were talking about. Apologize, even. Do what you’d expect your five year old to do, when you have to red-facedly explain to them on the playground that they should not push their friend off the swings, even if it looked funny when they fell down. Say you’re sorry. Say you didn’t know it would hurt so much, and you won’t do it again. Learn from this mistake.

You (Housewives) can be funny, and still give good advice.

I’m not saying you should all run into the wild, burn down your servers, and never answer another email. It was never a ‘big’ deal until you tried to shame me, too. Now I see it maybe wasn’t a mistake — maybe it was a choice.

I’m saying it’s a bad one.

How you handle that is up to you — but I for one, won’t shut up about it. I won’t sit down, and I won’t be quiet. If Carolina, or any other Confused woman reads this thread? I want them to see at least one voice daring to call shenanigans on your idea of ‘funny advice’, so they don’t just blithely continue to accept that they deserve to be mistreated by boyfriends and random strangers.

Do you understand my anger, now?

Leeloo Reply:

I think this was very well-written. Just to be clear, I enjoy this site quite a bit, but I was uneasy with this particular entry, and you nailed the points that were niggling at me. Well done!

Patty Reply:

Thank you, CJ.

Eater Reply:

i am so ashamed that I didn’t see all of this when I read the entry the first time. I joined the shaming (or at least, the “yes-man”ing), and a couple days later had to point out to my own sister some of these very red flags from her own paranoid, jealous, past-punishing boyfriend. I will keep my eyes and ears and mind opened to seeing the whole picture. Thank you for reminding me to wake the fuck up, CJ. I have always enjoyed this site as well, and I agree that it can be funny without perpetuating and making jokes of the huge problems we all still have to deal with at the end of the day. Don’t know where you came from, but I’ll follow you almost anywhere 🙂

Leah Reply:

{{{Standing Ovation}}}

SweetAsPie Reply:

CJ.. THANK YOU!! BRAVO!! Thank you so much for pointing all of this out! This website is so biased and full of such close-minded people, that when someone comes along with an opinion that is outside of their comfort zone, they get attacked. This has been the case more often than not, as you can see above. I see it from specific people on here, Kristine, Marinka, etc. etc. and if your views don’t line up with theirs, be ready for the shit storm. It’s sad really, because it seems that women can’t get good advice ANYWHERE, not even on a website designed FOR WOMEN.

THANK YOU for taking a stand and not backing down.. making your point clear and standing up against these people. I sat by and watched another crazy comment section unroll once, something about a gay family member and the woman not wanting to expose her kids to it or something or other. You should have seen the world come apart over that.. ALL BECAUSE PEOPLE DISAGREED!

THANK YOU CJ!!!!!!!!!

04.06.12#17

Comment by kokopuff.

This comment stream is EPIC. CJ: take a xanax and then maybe take this site off your bookmarked list. You are a wound a bit too tight for this bubbly pink place.

Blarghly Reply:

Wow, if this isn’t the most condescending remark ever, it definitely in the Top 10. A woman gets upset about slut shaming and laughing about it, and you tell her to take a Xanax? Why, because she’s “hysterical”? Yes, women are each other’s worst enemies. Maybe you are wound too loose, kokopuff. Ever consider that?

Daaaaang Reply:

Kokopuff, i believe its Kristine that takes a bunch of xanax and anxiety meds.. not CJ.

04.06.12#18

Comment by Veronica.

Okay, first of all, let me say that I totally intended on leaving a comment simply stating that I thought this letter must be phony, because COME ON — as a wife, I have a hard time imagining forgiving a cheating husband, but as a MOTHER, I cannot even begin to fathom hiring my husband’s ex-mistress to care for my child and join me at family dinners. Please. PLEASE. That could never happen, right? It made me think of those letter in YM and Seventeen that were obviously written by the staff so they could reply with awesome answers.

But then I read the comments, and Lord above, people. I suspect the person commenting who is all mad about Kristine’s “bad advice” is the woman who wrote in, right? Okay, since we all agree, let’s move on.

It is obvious that the boyfriend is insecure, and that is bad for a relationship, and if he is issuing ultimatums, she needs to decide if that is okay with her. Kristine said to let the little birdie fly free, which is a very kind version of what I would do to a man who was telling me my business, but OBVIOUSLY she spent more time on the work issue, because that is a BIG ISSUE.

If this woman REALLY thinks it is okay for her to work in such a personal way for the man she had an affair with and have contact with his wife and child, and she thinks her boyfriend is weird for not liking it, then she is messed up. Go ahead and yell at me for saying it, she is mental. Is anyone else picturing Single White Female and The Hand that Rocks the Cradle? Insane. Which is WHY KRISTINE ADDRESSED IT. TO LET HER KNOW SHE IS INSANE, and that is probably why her boyfriend is acting insane.

Yes, maybe he is a controlling bastard who would be controlling no matter what, in which case, cut him loose. But we can’t judge his behavior under normal circumstances because she removed that option for him by doing what she is doing. If my husband pulled some shit like that on me, you bet your bippy I’d go crazy on him, too.

This is officially my longest comment. Ever.

Eater Reply:

okay, we are not all jumping on your bandwagon. And nice work throwing around the term “insane,” as you are clearly a licensed therapist.

omfgppl Reply:

“Which is why kristine addressed it. to let her know she is INSANE”

Soo…What EXACTLY is your definition of “insane?” Because last time i checked the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM IV), working for a man you had an affair with, WASN’T IN THERE. Or is your definition of someone being insane, the fact that they are doing something you don’t agree with?

04.06.12#19

Comment by Blarghly.

I really hope amateur Sherlock Holmes/Veronica accuses ME of being Confused in Carolina too! Because anyone who expresses a POV that you think is weird must be all the same person! Because two (or more! horrors!) people could not possible disagree with you!

But a recap for you, Sherlock: Confused in Carolina is not confused about her job, or her friendships. She didn’t ask for advice about that. And while it’s not a situation many people would be comfortable with, these people clearly are. Is it our place to project our own feelings and POV onto this situation and say it’s wrong? If it’s right for all the consenting adults involved, then it’s all right. End of story. I mean, no one can stop you from forming a judgment, but don’t pretend that it’s anything but a judgment. It’s not a FACT that this is wrong.

I know it is hard to accept that sometimes people approach their personal relationships differently from our paradigms, but if you try, you might, I don’t know, GROW. Like, as a PERSON.

04.06.12#20

Comment by Blarghly.

Also, and this is what is really beyond the pale, Veronica: saying that Confused in Carolina is INSANE (Kristine said so!), and that justifies her boyfriend’s actions. Put it this way– if her past makes him crazy, but she is at peace with it and has been apparently for years, then… wait for it… HE IS CRAZY. She is at peace, because she is one of those people who is in the extraordinary and hard to imagine situation of not letting bad sexual decisions ruin otherwise good relationships. Just because you find her peace crazy doesn’t make *her* crazy. It makes *you* judgmental. Hope that clears things up.

06.27.14#21

Comment by Norris.

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