13 Nov
I Caught My Boyfriend…I Can’t Even Say It!

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I just started dating this guy and I made an impromptu stop at his apartment. The door was unlocked so I walked in and found my new boyfriend masturbating to porn. I was so stunned that I just ran out of the apartment. We haven’t talked in over a day and I’m so embarrassed. Why does he need porn when we just started dating?! And how do I clear the air and start over? I really like this guy. Is this “spanking the monkey” incident going to kill our new relationship?

Sandra Dee


Dear Sandy,

Cool! What kind of porn? Assuming that no domestic or farm animals were involved and it was your run of the mill, “I’m here to fix the sink, ma’am, but let me unzip my pants first” type– great news! You’re dating a man. Men like porn. Porn is good, according to man.   And in this Mouthy’s opinion, porn, like masturbation, in moderation, is perfectly healthy and normal. Poetic, isn’t it?

I can’t tell you why he masturbates when the two of   you just started dating. It could be because he’s thinking of you. Or me. Or because it feels good. Of all the sexual acts that he could be doing, masturbation is the least upsetting.

Don’t feel bad that you ran out of the apartment. For better or worse, we spend most of our lives not walking in on pornographic masturbators (healthy and normal though they may be), so it’s not surprising that you didn’t stick around to make small talk.

But if you want to pursue this relationship, put your big girl pants on and call him. Chances are, he is embarrassed as well and will be relieved to hear from you. Go ahead, break the ice. Since it’s been over a day, ask him if he’s done yet.

Look at it this way, you got a super-awkward episode out of the way and you’ll have a great story to tell your grandkids one day.

Good Luck,
Mystery Mouthy (Can You Guess Which One?)

40 Responses to “I Caught My Boyfriend…I Can’t Even Say It!”


Comment by Kathy.

Good advice….is it Jessica? No wait Kelcey!


Comment by . . ..

I am so tired of women being stressed over men masturbating to porn. So long is the porn is mainstream stuff, I’d rather have my man masturbating to pictures than seeking out other women to fulfill his needs beyond my availability.


Comment by Lady Steele.

I’ve gotta go with Kelcey.

The thing that worried me most about this situation is that your man opted to leave the door unlocked while he treated his body like a circus. Well, that and the porn!


Comment by Wendi.

Was it me? Did I write this? Last night’s kind of fuzzy.


Comment by CSY.

I think its that dude from the other day…and masterbating to porn IS normal! Just wait til you walk in on a kid or brother…THAT’S disturbing! Maybe next time you can ask if he needs help.


Comment by miswiggie.

Yeah, I’d say don’t worry about it (well except for the embarrassment you probably BOTH feel after the walking in/running out event). Dudes need to relieve that sort of stuff at any time (ok all the time!) and maybe he didn’t want to push the issue with you if you’re newly dating?

OMG I think I’d move to the polar ice cap if my man walked in on ME doing the deed.

I’d try to salvage the relationship and tell him you were so turned on by his monkey-spanking that you wanted to run home and get your own groove on… yeah or not.

Hmm, think I’ll ask my own fine young man to comment.


Comment by The Good Cook.

The door was unlocked so you walked right in? And you just started dating.. Shame on you. KNOCK. Wait for an answer. Everyone deserves some privacy.

amy Reply:

Have to agree on this one. Knock and wait for a reply? Give my kids that decency, surely a new boyfriend deserves the same?

That said, if you are still into him you might call and apologize for busting in as you did..


Comment by Muirgen.

If you don’t have a key, you should wait to be let in, so an apology might be a nice way to start: “Sorry for letting myself in. It was an invasion of your privacy.”

amy Reply:

Agree. We all deserve some privacy.

While I am not jerking off to porn in my bedroom I may be napping thank you very much. 🙂 Almost more worthy and damn you if you disturb!

amy Reply:

I am napping 100% of the time 🙂


Comment by Noah.

Yeah, as mswiggie said, guys need/want/have-to-have-it all the time! Your dude obviously has a healthy sex drive. You may have just started dating (guessing the deed has not been done yet?) either way guys need to release the sexual energy often. The only thing I would be concerned about is “will the Porn be an issue”. Some guys don’t depend on it, but use it for recreational purposes only. However, there are some guys that have bad porn dependencies. Thats what you want to be concerned about. Just talk to him about it. Maybe he was expecting you to walk in, find him and be turned on and get involved? If so you might have made him feel kinda bad.


Comment by toywithme.

I’m with the Mouthy Housewives on this one. Personally I would have stayed. Seriously. If not, I would have went home and wished I had stayed to get my groove on. Which would have ended up with me putting on some porn and grabbing a toy. So in the end, it would have just been easier if I stayed.


Comment by Denise.

Dump him! What kind of guy doesn’t lock the door when he’s going to have an intimate moment watching porn? What if you were his mother! Gasp!

But on another note, maybe you make him so excited he had to release! I think it’s nice he’s not putting the pressure on you.


Comment by thepsychobabble.

I wouldn’t worry about porn unless it was like, a daily occurrence. Or multiple times a day. Or starts interfering with real life.
Kinda like twitter.

What was I talking about again?

mswiggie Reply:

hahahahaa @psychobabble


Comment by Ellie.

Marinka is my guess. =)


Comment by MrsM..

Ok, so he was in the privacy of his own home, pleasing himself alone, to fake women he will never meet in the “real world”……what’s the problem?? Why do women have such issues with porn and masturbation? I just don’t get it. Porn and masturbation are no big deal. Hell, I have even found my hubs porn I thought he would enjoy! (turns out, I know what he likes pretty well!)
I say get over it, be an adult and apologize for invading his privacy, and running out on him. If it were me, I would have stayed, probably asked if he needed any help! 🙂

Amber in Albuquerque Reply:

See it’s that “fake women he will never meet in the real world” I have the issues with (not the masturbation). I think too much of it trains guys into unrealistic expectations…much like the size and design of kitchens on sitcoms trains people into unrealistic expectations.


Comment by Amber in Albuquerque.

You know, I used to not have a problem with porn, but now I do. I’m in my 40s. I’ve had two kids and no surgeries. I have a sedentary job and bake as a hobby. This translates into “I simply cannot compete with a 20-year-old, surgically enhanced porn star in the bedroom.” I mean, I know men are men and all that and it’s not a huge deal, but I don’t want my husband watching porn. I’m fine with it if he wants to fantasize he’s having sex with that chick on Ghost Whisperer or whatever, but what’s OK for a 20-year old single guy (dating or not) is somehow less OK for a 40-something 13-years-in-a-marriage guy. I don’t know where, when, or how to draw the line…the line just appeared and I’m on the no porn side of it.

lala Reply:

I am right there with you on the no-porn side of the line. When did porn and self-satisfaction during porn become accepted by society? I’m 24 and my husband is 28 (ie- we’re in the age group that participates most in this behavior), and not even in our nightmares would either of us participate in such filth! I’d much prefer a loving husband to spend time with than a DVD of people I don’t know faking their satisfaction so they can get a paycheck. There’s mouthiness for ya. mwah!

amy Reply:

I too hate to think of my hubby getting off on porn but whatever. He too has aged in the 17 years we have been married so if he EVER tried comparing me to any of those sluts I would have plenty to come back with 🙂 We age. If I am not enough he is free to LEAVE 🙂 And I so mean that…


Comment by MommyTime.

I’m pretty sure this is Wendi, based on the writing style. But then again, I’m recovering from the flu and may or may not have a sinus infection, so I may be full of it. Do love the answer, though.


Comment by GrandeMocha.

Now you know why I always lock my door!


Comment by LISA5OF5.

Sorry, girls, but I gotta say it. I hate porn. Vacant eyed silicon enhanced bimbos bouncing and moaning and ugly dudes who look like they’re on steroids having bad sex does not turn me on. Truth is, it annoys the shit out of me.

And, Sandra Dee, honey. An “impromptu” visit to the apartment of the guy you just started dating? That’s like number three the Top Ten Relationship Killers List. That move will land you in Scary Girlfriend territory muy rapido. Never again. Promise?

amy Reply:

Have to agree even if I am of the Sandra Dee variety.. Dropping in at this stage suggests a familiarity that just is NOT there yet.. Apologize to the guy and move on. If he calls you again whatever, see how it goes..

If there is one thing I learned from years of dating it is the one least interested that is most appealing. Yes sue me but has held true.


Comment by fraujoolie.

Sorry, I’m on the other side of the fence. I’m not a prude, and I have a satisfying sex life. But porn perpetuates the myth of “ideal” body types, sets a false standard for sex, and discourages safe sex. I think pornography skews our culture’s views of sex and love, degrades women, and may even contribute to violence against women.


Comment by Another Mystery Mouthy Housewife.

Yes, false standard for sure. When and if I watch porn with my husband, his penis suddenly seems so tiny!

LISA5OF5 Reply:

Yeah, but his brain seems huge!

amy Reply:

Remind him of this next time you two are watching porn flicks, guarantee it is the last!


Comment by Steph.

This is soooo Kelcey . . . or a Kelcey wannabe. In any event, I HEART all the mouthy housewives!


Comment by Busy.

Heck, If it was me I would have said “Hey, let me help you with that!” make it even more excoting for him, he would never forget you! and you might reap the benefits as well!


Comment by Kelcey.

I’ve been way to busy watching porn to have time to write this post. Not me.


Comment by Marinka,TMH.

It was I! I am the mystery Mouthy! Congratulations, Ellie! You were the only one to guess correctly. We’re sending you some p0rn as a prize. No need to send us your address, we’ll drop it off at your office.


Comment by Velvet Verbosity.

Here’s the deal. Dudes want y’all to think porn is normal and healthy the same way kids want you to think eating chocolate cake ALL THE DAMN TIME is normal and healthy.

Really, being a woman and being “cool” with your man gettin busy with porn doesn’t make you progressive, because the issue isn’t black and white. Everyone’s “line” is in a different place.

That aside, hello? Stats on the percentage of women in the porn/sex industry who have sexual abuse in their past? Look it up.

Acid test question: Would you want your daughter doing porn?

There’s your answer.

Marinka,TMH Reply:

No, I don’t want my daughter doing porn, but I also don’t want her working in the food service industry. And yet, I go to restaurants all the time. So I’m not sure how valid your test is.

And I think that unfortunately, there are women who have been sexually abused in every industry.
And you’re right, being cool with porn doesn’t make you progressive. But being able to discuss the issue with your partner, even though you may be embarrassed, does.

Velvet Verbosity Reply:

Marinka, really? You feel just the same about your daughter working in the food service industry as you would about her being a porn star? I wouldn’t want my daughter working in the food service industry either, but if she had to start out there, or fall-back briefly to the food service industry, I wouldn’t feel like she had done something she couldn’t go back from.

Also, of course there are women who’ve been sexually abused in every industry – crikey, they’re every where because, well, women get abused a lot (Incidentally, studies show that men who have just viewed porn are less likely to dole out a guilty verdict or strict punishment in a rape case)- but I doubt that the percentages wash out the same.

Also, I don’t hear the stories of women “getting out” of, let’s say, being a doctor because they realized they were only doing it because of early sexual trauma. Not to mention that most other careers don’t recreate the abuse in both fantasy and reality. Not all porn is abusive, but plenty of it is. Just ask Jenna Jameson. 🙂

I agree, it would be progressive to be able to speak to your guy about it. That’s why I speak up, because if you happen to fall on the side of the line that isn’t so sure, you should know that’s not uncool, it’s your right. Not many people are willing to stand up and say that for fear of being ridiculed for being “uncool”.

Amber in Albuquerque Reply:

I also agree with what VV has to say here. Porn harms women…all women and it’s not exactly making men better people either. I can live with it, but I don’t like it and refuse to participate. Hope the post and all these comments get people to seriously question the role (if any) of porn in their lives/relationships.

Amber in Albuquerque Reply:

Since VV brought it up…I don’t think it’s just ‘dudes’ who want you to think porn is OK. My latest soapbox is a combination of “vote with your wallet” and “follow the money”. The porn industry and the people it pays to advertise it want you to think porn is OK so you’ll buy their stuff (videos and accessories). If you want the stuff because it turns you on, I can live with that. If you’re buying it because ‘the industry’ says it will make your sex life healthier and happier, maybe it’s worth a try. If you’re buying it because you have this ‘feeling’ you should…stop being a sucker (no pun intended, but it’s there so I’ll use it).


Comment by Ellie.

So I guess the application I put in at Burgers N Boobs wasn’t a good idea? Darn.

Thanks, Marinka! 😉

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