Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I’m a happily married woman whose husband is in the military. He is away a lot and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on relieving the tension?
Military Wife Mary
Dear Military Wife Mary,
First of all, thank you for your sacrifice and also for your husband’s sacrifice. I know that life in the military isn’t always a walk in the park and please know that we appreciate everything you do.
That said, let’s see if we can get y’all a lil sumpin sumpin so you can relax a little bit.
Now, you said you don’t “believe in masturbation.” That’s fine, I’ll agree to respect your beliefs on that topic. However, please know that it’s a perfectly normal and natural activity and it has saved many a woman from getting so tense that she slaps the grocery store bagger for putting her eggs in the wrong sack just because he’s A COMPLETE MORON. (Or so rumor has it around my neighborhood.)
I’m not going to say any more on that subject, but I will point you to this tasteful book in case you want to change your beliefs. There are also a few “toys” on that website that aren’t weird or gross or shaped like a giant salami, so take a look at those, too.
Otherwise, here are some other suggestions to get some relief:
- Take a Bubble Bath in a jetted tub
- Hold multiple viewings of either “Magic Mike” or David Beckham’s shirtless commercial for a product I can’t remember because, hello, it’s a shirtless David Beckham
- Sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle
- Try the various yoga poses that I personally am not able to either do or describe but are apparently very good at getting your chakras off
- Take a few rides on the 25 cent mechanical pony outside of the grocery store–Yeehaw! Ride ‘em cowboy! Stop looking at me, stupid bagger!
Beyond that, I’m at a loss. So I open it up to our readers—how can our friend get her rocks off without, um, anyone even touching her rocks? Let us know!
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