10 Jan
(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m a happily married woman whose husband is in the military. He is away a lot and I don’t believe in masturbation. Any suggestions on relieving the tension?


Military Wife Mary


Dear Military Wife Mary,

First of all, thank you for your sacrifice and also for your husband’s sacrifice. I know that life in the military isn’t always a walk in the park and please know that we appreciate everything you do.

That said, let’s see if we can get y’all a lil sumpin sumpin so you can relax a little bit.

Now, you said you don’t “believe in masturbation.” That’s fine, I’ll agree to respect your beliefs on that topic. However, please know that it’s a perfectly normal and natural activity and it has saved many a woman from getting so tense that she slaps the grocery store bagger for putting her eggs in the wrong sack just because he’s A COMPLETE MORON. (Or so rumor has it around my neighborhood.)

I’m not going to say any more on that subject, but I will point you to this tasteful book in case you want to change your beliefs. There are also a few “toys” on that website that aren’t weird or gross or shaped like a giant salami, so take a look at those, too.

Otherwise, here are some other suggestions to get some relief:

  • Take a Bubble Bath in a jetted tub
  • Hold multiple viewings of either “Magic Mike” or David Beckham’s shirtless commercial for a product I can’t remember because, hello, it’s a shirtless David Beckham
  • Sit on the washing machine during the spin cycle
  • Try the various yoga poses that I personally am not able to either do or describe but are apparently very good at getting your chakras off
  • Take a few rides on the 25 cent mechanical pony outside of the grocery store–Yeehaw! Ride ’em cowboy! Stop looking at me, stupid bagger!

Beyond that, I’m at a loss. So I open it up to our readers—how can our friend get her rocks off without, um, anyone even touching her rocks? Let us know!

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH



10 Responses to “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction”


Comment by Aceta.

Former military spouse. Past and current masturbator. It’s a stress-reliever. You don’t have to use porn or anything… But that’s up to you. HOWever!! I had several orgasms without touching myself wen I was pregnant, so maybe try that 🙂 haha just kidding. But funny story. I mentioned to my younger sister (25) that I had orgasms while I was sleeping and she says, “Wow! I wonder if guys have that too!”


Comment by Libby.

Poor lady she needs to release I struggle to go a day with our release! Someone should get her a nice big toy!


Comment by Amy.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My house is on fire, but I don’t believe in water. How can I fix my problem.

Determined to Remain Frustrated

Wendi Reply:


red pen mama Reply:



Comment by Peyton Price @suburbanhaiku.

She holds down the fort.
The master of her domain.
Hope hubby’s in shape!


Comment by red pen mama.

If she doesn’t believe in masturbation… I’m wondering if she wrote it looking for permission to have a fling. Not a very generous reading, I admit.

Sweetie, touching yourself while thinking of your husband is WAY preferable to having another person touching you to get off. Just sayin’.


Comment by Rebelleke.

hmm about that look into tantra maybe?


Comment by s.o.t.c..

Convert, oh ye of little-fornication-because-your-husband-is-away. If God didn’t want us to masturbate she would have made our arms shorter. The gold standard for women who have never masturbated (the technical term, beginnerbator) is a book called Becoming Orgasmic: A Sexual And Personal Growth Programme For Women. It’s by Julia Heiman (yes, I did spell it Hymen until I googled her correct spelling. Walk, don’t run. There’s a lot of fun (and relief) waiting for you.


Comment by Mary.

Hi girls, I really Appreciate your advice and its made me change my perception, I was actually scared too before (long story) to try it but I think I might any advice?

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