14 Feb
How To Rid Your Relationship Of Fellatio Once And For All

Welcome to It’s Raining Men Week at The Mouthy Housewives!

Neil is one of my oldest and dearest blogging friends. Sure we had our ups and downs like when I asked him to be my gay husband and found out that he wasn’t gay (yet). So then I had to change course and suggest that we each leave our spouses and run away together. He instantly filed for divorce, but then I thought, eh, too much paperwork. So now we’re just good friends. With no benefits whatsoever, except for an occasional guest post. – Marinka

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My husband likes oral a lot more than I do. I can honestly say that I’ll be happy never having to perform oral sex again. Is our marriage doomed? Should I just bite the bullet?

Signed,

Not Too Mouthy

_________________________________________________

Dear Not Too,
Each of the Mouthy Housewives is a certified expert in performing oral sex. It is in my contract not to reveal how I know this information. All I can say is that I am counting the days until August when I will get to see all of my good mommyblogging friends at BlogHer in NYC.

But they are afraid of publicly saying that a wife SHOULD perform oral sex on their husband. They don’t want to get in trouble with the rabid feminists who scan the blogosphere looking to boycott another site. So, instead, they asked me — a white male — to take the heat for them, and have paid me enough to accept the challenge.

Of course, they expect me to say, “Yes, your marriage is doomed if you don’t start giving blowjobs on your husband.”

But I’m going to throw them a twist. Because I am more of a feminist than the writers of The Mouthy Housewives. I do NOT believe that you should give oral sex to your husband if you don’t enjoy it. I am here to tell you how to get out of this chore. What I am about to tell you is such a closely-guarded secret that not even Cosmo Magazine has ever felt brave enough revealing it to the general public.

Men enjoy the chase. I know — big deal. You already knew that. The guy always runs after the girl that he can never have — the cheerleader or supermodel, and he rejects the girl who likes him too much.

But women make the mistake thinking that this ends at marriage. No. Men are creatures of habit. Husbands enjoy oral sex so much because we know it gives you a pain in the neck — literally. We realize that our penises look like weird foreign-looking vegetables seen only at Korean markets, and that we ourselves would never put one in our mouth. It is a challenge to get you to do it.

We like the chase.

Remember how your husband used to buy you flowers and open the door for you on dates, and then he married you and immediately dropped the romantic shtick? That occurred because the challenge was over.

Knowing this about men should give you an “aha” moment. The key to getting out of performing oral sex on your husband is to make it so easy for him that he loses interest and just wants to watch Downton Abbey on TV instead.

Here’s where you bite the bullet. For one month, perform oral sex on your husband. A lot. Every night, every morning, every afternoon. In bed. In the shower. In his office. In the bathroom at Chipotle.

At first, he will be extremely excited by his oral-sex-loving woman, thanking his lucky stars that he married the perfect woman. But, by the second month, he will start find your blow-jobs annoying. This isn’t supposed to be about YOU enjoying yourself!

Here is where smart women start using what I like to call the “30 Day Oral Sex Cleanse” to their advantage.

I’ll let my wife explain it better. She is currently writing a book on the subject for Random House –

“After giving Neil oral sex for at least five times a day for one month, I could see that he was completely bored. For the first time in twelve years, he started to give ME oral sex, not because he wanted to, but just to get out of my blowjobs. One night, I started giving Neil oral sex while in the drive-in line at In-N-Out burgers. I could see the fear in his eyes when all of a sudden, out of nowhere, he said the eight words that I was waiting to hear, “Hey, let’s go to a chick flick tonight.” Soon, we were going to the museum every weekend, had a subscription to an opera series and Neil was scrubbing the kitchen floor every night — all in the hope of avoiding my blowjobs! It was then that I realized that my life goal was to help other women get out of performing oral sex, while improving their marriage.”

There it is, in a nutshell. Men will always do the opposite of what you want from him.

If you want to snag a man — don’t call him. Start sleeping with his best friend.

If you don’t want to give him oral sex anymore, never stop giving it to him for a month. Men are like that.

Your marriage will be saved. And you will get your husband to go to Kate Hudson films.

Signed,

Neil, Guest Advisor

25 Responses to “How To Rid Your Relationship Of Fellatio Once And For All”

02.14.12#1

Comment by Debbie B Sam.

Thank you Neil!!! I’ve been trying to explain this to my blow job hating friends, but they just don’t get it. I will pass on your wonderful advice! :)

02.14.12#2

Comment by GrandeMocha.

Thanks for the laugh. Happy Valentine’s Day!

02.14.12#3

Comment by sisterfunkhaus.

Very funny post! And, men do enjoy the chase. Women should never be too available.

I do think that women should give their husband’s oral on occasion if they want it. I’m not sure that any woman jumps for joy at the thought of giving BJ’s. It’s kind of boring. But, I also don’t believe that we have to be super excited about everything we do for each other. When you think about it, BJ’s aren’t so bad compared to what men (and the lesbian population)have to do. I think of it as an even exchange for the fabulous back rubs DH gives me. Giving a back rub is tiring and kind of boring, but he does it because he loves me.

02.14.12#4

Comment by VG.

You had me at BJs in the bathroom @ Chipotle!

FYI: If you kiss someone @ Qdoba today, your 2nd entree is FREE!!! Happy V-Day!

02.14.12#5

Comment by Annie.

I’m just impressed you could talk about “biting the bullet” and blow jobs in the same sentence! Most men I know would simultaneously cross their legs and run from the room. Awkwardly.

02.14.12#6

Comment by Wendi.

“We realize that our penises look like weird foreign-looking vegetables seen only at Korean markets”

That explains SO MUCH. I’ve always hated kimchi.

02.14.12#7

Comment by Maria.

I’ve found “accidentally” snagging pubic hairs each time helps too. Just a side note.

02.14.12#8

Comment by Alexandra.

Oh. The only response I have is MORE NEIL.

MORE MFing NEIL.

02.14.12#9

Comment by palinode.

If you do it in a Chipotle’s bathroom in New York, the restaurant is legally obligated to inform you of the calorie count.

02.14.12#10

Comment by jade.

so funny!! i read this to my husband he said he would so enjoy this 30 day experiment and thinks he would be addicted after 30 days

02.14.12#11

Comment by V-Grrrl.

I’m more than a little amused that this post appeared on a site called MOUTHYhousewives.com.

02.14.12#12

Comment by Big ol' B with a capital B.

Awesomely funny post. More awesomely funny comments. :)

02.14.12#13

Comment by Meredith L..

But in college, guys told me that giving blowjobs makes you lose weight! No?

02.14.12#14

Comment by Plano Mom.

I like Neil. He’s pretty mouthy.

Tell hubby it’s so very difficult to truly focus on giving a great blow job when there’s laundry to fold and dishes to wash.

And if this actually works and he becomes househusband of the year, well then girlfriend it’s time to look that gift horse in the mouth.

02.14.12#15

Comment by Sarah.

Oh my – would have snorted coffee out my mouth but thankfully left the cup alone while I read.

02.14.12#16

Comment by Roxanna.

So George Costanza was right after all.

02.14.12#17

Comment by Tonya.

Neil, how much did my husband pay you for this “advice”?

I will triple it if you can get him to clean the bathroom. Properly.

02.14.12#18

Comment by Lady Estrogen.

Hahaha… oh my lordy. THAT was fabulous.
Unfortunately, I enjoy it, and he run away from me regardless, so I guess I’m screwed.
Ahem.

02.14.12#19

Comment by Emily.

Neil? You are full of sh*t. And it ain’t happenin’. Nice try! :)

02.15.12#20

Comment by Brett Minor.

This information needs to be on every television channel in the country, printed in every paper and on ever radio station. I will even pay for the local spots.

02.15.12#21

Comment by Kathy.

I get that this is supposed to be funny but it just makes me sad. All those tired stereotypes about “long suffering women who hate sex and the men who beg them” don’t help either the wives or the husbands.

The comment that bothered me the most was by sisterfunkhaus. She talks about how boring this is for her but hey its better than what lesbians and men go through. Women’s bodies aren’t gross. Men’s bodies aren’t boring.

Don’t people talk to each other about their sex lives? If you don’t like something talk it out and see if there’s a way to improve things for everyone! If my husband thought I was bored by giving oral he’d not want me to do it. I understand there’s give and take in every relationship and not everything you do needs to be super amazing for both parties every time but no one should be doing things they actively loathe. Maybe conversation is hard but its better than playing passive aggressive and pulling out pubic hairs!

I guess I’ll be the voice from the other side. I have a higher sex drive than my husband. I initiate sex more than he does. He shares the tasks of laundry and dishes and other chores as well as driving the kids to activities so I’m not rushing around trying to do all those items while he is sitting on the couch watching sitcoms or sports. Then again he considers all of those things duties we share because we’re the adults who live in the house – they aren’t favors he does for me to get stuff.

02.16.12#22

Comment by Weekend Wars | The Mouthy Housewives.

[...] or “have a conversation with your husband in which you suggest some strategies on how he can re-insert himself (heh) into your weekend lives without blowing the hell out of everything” or “maybe you [...]

02.16.12#23

Comment by Cheryl.

This blew my mind.

02.24.12#24

Comment by karena.

I asked my husband if this would work. he said that he didnt think so, but he was willing to try.

03.05.13#25

Comment by DaV.

I absolutely enjoy going down on my lover, tenderly suckling, kissing, licking and caressing his manhood. If you aren’t really into it, try smoking a bit of marijuana and doing a few hits of Jungle Juice and you will change your mind about not enjoying the deed, it’s wonderful.

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