26 Mar
For the Love of God, Send Us Your Problems, People

Ello Hun,

I’m in desperate need of some help. It’s not life threatening, but I’m trying to experience what I saw on a movie once. Sorry to be crude, but I’m trying to archive female ejaculation. Ever since I saw it on a adult film a month ago, I’m in desperate need to try and create that. Is it just a thing that only porn stars can do? Or do I need boyfriend with a penis bigger than 10 inches? Or is it great camera angles? I know it seem silly, but it’s my life long dream and I’m desperate to make it happen hope you can give me some helpful tips and get rid of the myth 🙂

Thanks once again,

Mel

________________________________

Dear Mel,

Please know that I’m only answering your question for two reasons. First, I think you’re sincerely asking for help (well, maybe) and if so, this Jezebel.com link will help.  Happy reading, you sexy beast.

And the second reason I’m answering your question is to show all of our readers that WE’RE DESPERATE FOR NON-BIZARRO PROBLEMS TO SOLVE SO GET OFF YO ASSES AND EMAIL THEM TO US, YOU BIG DUMMIES.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to call you all big dummies. I’m just a little flustered because I had to Google “female ejaculation” a few minutes ago since Mel obviously doesn’t know how a computer works and now I feel like I need someone to work my brain over with a Brill-O pad and some Comet cleanser. But, seriously, why is the internets so….icky? So terribly, terribly icky? Forget Parental Controls, I needs me some Wendi the Prude Controls, man. I mean, for the love of God, I’m from North Dakota. Nobody there is named She Squirts A Lot.

Anyway, if you read The Mouthy Housewives, you obviously know how brilliant and helpful we are. And if you read The Mouthy Housewives, we obviously know how weird and troubled you are. So please send your issues, problems and concerns to: ask@mouthyhousewives.com. (Note: Please address all Facebook and in-law questions to “Not Wendi.”)

Here, I’m even going to give you a simple, little form to get you started:

Dear Breathtakingly Gorgeous Mouthy Housewives,

Recently my (______) has started (______)ing every time I (_________). How can I get this to stop before I (_______)?

Signed,

Poor Soul In Need of Help From Big Breasted Geniuses

OMG, how easy is that? Of course all questions are kept anonymous, and our answers are 100% guaranteed* to bring a smile to your face. Or, in Mel’s case, an ahem to your ahem. Now start writing!

Sincerely,

Wendi, TMH

(*This is completely not true.)

 

8 Responses to “For the Love of God, Send Us Your Problems, People”

03.26.12#1

Comment by Cheryl.

Dear Wendi,

My boss has started referring to the women I work with as girls every time I talk with him. How can I get this to stop before I have to kill him?

Sincerely,
Poor Soul in Need of Help from Big Breasted Geniuses

03.26.12#2

Comment by dusty earth mother.

Dear Wendi, I would like to leave a comment, but I’m too busy trying to find someone to do a partial lobotomy to get “she squirts a lot” out of my mind forever. Soldier on, prude, I’m with you.

Tbird Reply:

Please let me know the lobotomy doc’s info when you have it. I need the same descriptive sentence removed!

03.26.12#3

Comment by :).

All I have to say is that the letter write must enjoy washing her sheets.

03.26.12#4

Comment by Chelle.

I have sent you a “real” problem that I hope you can help with.

The problem above? Just ew. Google it.

03.27.12#5

Comment by VG.

“Mel” must be bored….

03.27.12#6

Comment by Patty.

I am going to stay in my Happy Place for the foreseeable future and concentrate only on summer meadows and wildflower honey for my scones and tea and the nice tang of sage. Much better than Brillo and cleanser. There’s something in there about necking with Skibum, but it’s wholesome. Really.

03.30.12#7

Comment by CSY.

Dear Mel – female ejaculation is NOT just for porn stars, I promise…

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