28 May
I Love Him For His Weiner…Dog

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I started dating a man about year and a half ago. When we met I had just come off of a 4 year man-hiatus, so I naturally said yes to the 1st man that asked for my phone number. The reason for my letter is because about 30 seconds into the relationship I started trying to break it off…..unsuccessfully. He simply will not accept the fact that I don’t want to be his girlfriend, wife, cook, housekeeper, cash-cow, etc. But, because I am in love with his animals, I do keep in touch and visit with them from time to time.

In a situation like this I think a PRO/CON list might be helpful:

PROS: He loves animals, he loves me (that’s all I got right now).

CONS: He has no bed and was sleeping on the floor when I met him (he has since upgraded to a couch on my suggestion), does not have a working refrigerator and doesn’t seem to mind, no screens on windows equals lots of bugs in the house, no dresser in bedroom equals lots of clothes on the floor, no money equals a lot of bills I have had to pay on his behalf and Christmas presents in the form of cash given in November so he & animals do not get evicted, he has terrible manners, is very clingy and needy which has a smothering effect, he drinks too much and smokes dope, chews tobacco which equals many many brown liquidy “dip” cups and bottles all over the house, overly attached to his mother equals no less than 12 phones calls to her each day, and he has a touch of OCD.

What should I do?


Did I Mention He Loves Animals?


Dear Did I Mention He Loves Animals,

Girlfriend, I love lists! For example, just the other day, I was at the grocery store when I saw a box of Tastykakes calling my name. I quickly made a list in my head.

PROS: They will taste like heaven, I will be happy for roughly 45 seconds, and they’re on sale!

CONS: I will have a sugar hangover because I’ll totally eat the entire box in one sitting, my husband will  be pissed I didn’t share, and I’ll have to spend an extra hour at the gym tomorrow.

You know what, I did? I bought the damn Tastykakes. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE TASTY AND THEY’RE CAKES! What am I, an idiot? So let’s look at your list. Do you see what I see? That’s right. A BOX OF TASTYKAKES WILL OFFER YOU MORE AS A BOYFRIEND THAN THIS LUMP ON A LOG.

Oh, I’m sorry, was I yelling? Ahem. Damn sugar buzz.

What do you want for yourself? Does your vision of happiness rest within a man who functions as a child, has no purpose or drive, and irritates the shit out of you? Of course not. (I mean, if it DOES, then maybe you are suited for each other. And/or a therapist.) You deserve better.

This man needs a nanny, not a girlfriend. If the animals are what keep you going back, then go to the local pound and get your own gaggle of pets. Or, you know what?! Just steal his! You would probably be doing them a favor, and while I’m no police officer, that argument sounds like it would totally hold up in court.

Good luck,

Kristine, TMH


7 Responses to “I Love Him For His Weiner…Dog”


Comment by deathstar.

You told this guy you would be his friend, didn’t you? That’s why you feel you should stick around and feed his animals, right, cause it’s not like you’re actually SLEEPING with him, right? I believe there’s good in everyone, really I do, but no one is going to think less of you if you move on from him. You can rescue animals, not people.


Comment by Amy.

I honestly think the LW needs some counseling ASAP to find out why she really allows herself to be taken advantage of this way (hint: the animals are an excuse).

Change your locks, change your number, and stay FAR away from Mr. Loser.


Comment by Jenee.

All I could think of was “RUN. Run fast and far away.”

That’s advice coming to you from an overly nice person that tends to allow herself to get taken advantage of, so…..


Comment by kc.

Puhleeeeeeze, listen to that inner voice – you know, that one who told you to break it off 30 seconds into that first date.

Need unconditional love? Sure ya do, we ALL do. Go to the pound and pick up the first pair of brown eyes you see. Can’t have pets at your place? That’s ok – go anyway. Go every day after work, go on Saturday. Volunteer there if you need a “reason” to go…just GO, dammit girl, just GO! (best to pick a no-kill facility, just sayin.)

Really, he’s one toxic puppy, and the sooner you see that, the better off you’ll be. C’mon, really? You’re basically giving him money for drugs…you think you won’t eventually resent that? You should, even if you don’t yet! You think you won’t eventually get caught up in some kind of legal (illegal??) mess? You will, of that I am SURE.

Not to mention, clothes all over the floor? Sleeping on the floor? That’s not how I spell fun.

run. run fast & far. and don’t look back!! Good luck!!


Comment by Debbie McCormick.

This HAS to be a fake letter. Please say it is fake. Because it sounds like all the bad traits we scoff at(as women) have been deliberately grouped into this advice letter. This is what I am hoping because that would mean there really isn’t a real woman who actually considered dating a loser like that.


Comment by Desperate Dietwife.

Hey sistah, you know what?
If I met someone who paid my bills, gave me extra money in advance for Christmas so that I could drink more and smoke more dope, cleaned my house, bought me a couch, washed my clothes, etc, etc, I too simply would not accept the fact that he doesn’t want to be my boyfriend, hubby, cook, housekeeper, cash-cow, etc.


Comment by Cate8.

So many women seem to date my ex husband… I mean… really? This sounds a bit nutty. and dirty, and flea infested. I am itchy already. Just ignore him. His mom can take care of it.

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