Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I started dating a man about year and a half ago. When we met I had just come off of a 4 year man-hiatus, so I naturally said yes to the 1st man that asked for my phone number. The reason for my letter is because about 30 seconds into the relationship I started trying to break it off…..unsuccessfully. He simply will not accept the fact that I don’t want to be his girlfriend, wife, cook, housekeeper, cash-cow, etc. But, because I am in love with his animals, I do keep in touch and visit with them from time to time.
In a situation like this I think a PRO/CON list might be helpful:
PROS: He loves animals, he loves me (that’s all I got right now).
CONS: He has no bed and was sleeping on the floor when I met him (he has since upgraded to a couch on my suggestion), does not have a working refrigerator and doesn’t seem to mind, no screens on windows equals lots of bugs in the house, no dresser in bedroom equals lots of clothes on the floor, no money equals a lot of bills I have had to pay on his behalf and Christmas presents in the form of cash given in November so he & animals do not get evicted, he has terrible manners, is very clingy and needy which has a smothering effect, he drinks too much and smokes dope, chews tobacco which equals many many brown liquidy “dip” cups and bottles all over the house, overly attached to his mother equals no less than 12 phones calls to her each day, and he has a touch of OCD.
What should I do?
Did I Mention He Loves Animals?
Dear Did I Mention He Loves Animals,
Girlfriend, I love lists! For example, just the other day, I was at the grocery store when I saw a box of Tastykakes calling my name. I quickly made a list in my head.
PROS: They will taste like heaven, I will be happy for roughly 45 seconds, and they’re on sale!
CONS: I will have a sugar hangover because I’ll totally eat the entire box in one sitting, my husband will be pissed I didn’t share, and I’ll have to spend an extra hour at the gym tomorrow.
You know what, I did? I bought the damn Tastykakes. Why? BECAUSE THEY’RE TASTY AND THEY’RE CAKES! What am I, an idiot? So let’s look at your list. Do you see what I see? That’s right. A BOX OF TASTYKAKES WILL OFFER YOU MORE AS A BOYFRIEND THAN THIS LUMP ON A LOG.
Oh, I’m sorry, was I yelling? Ahem. Damn sugar buzz.
What do you want for yourself? Does your vision of happiness rest within a man who functions as a child, has no purpose or drive, and irritates the shit out of you? Of course not. (I mean, if it DOES, then maybe you are suited for each other. And/or a therapist.) You deserve better.
This man needs a nanny, not a girlfriend. If the animals are what keep you going back, then go to the local pound and get your own gaggle of pets. Or, you know what?! Just steal his! You would probably be doing them a favor, and while I’m no police officer, that argument sounds like it would totally hold up in court.