05 Jul
How Do I Tell My Friend I Don’t Want Her Kid Around?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Over the past few years, a woman I’m friendly with often asked me if it’s ok if her son comes over after school with my son. At first I didn’t mind, because the boys were friends, but over the last half of the school year, it was obvious that they sort of drifted apart and didn’t really have any common interests. I didn’t say anything to my friend because the school year was coming to an end and I knew she asked me only when she was in a jam because of work and couldn’t pick up her son. But now it’s the summer, and she’d asked me several times if her kid could spend the day with us.

Normally I’d say sure, I’m a stay at home mom, and her kid is really easy good and no trouble. But I feel uncomfortable forcing his company on my kid, since they’re not friends. Should I say something to my friend?

Signed,

Feeling Guilty Already
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Dear Feeling Guilty,

You had a kid not related to you come to your house throughout the whole school year and now you feel guilty? Look, I personally have never been canonized, so I’m not fully familiar with the secret lives of saints, but I think you have absolutely nothing to feel bad about.

Sure, it was nice and easy for you and nice and convenient for your friend when your boys were friends and enjoyed hanging out together. But then those darn kids had to develop their own personalities and their own interests and drifted apart. So as of right now, the boys are not friends and having this boy over at your house isn’t a great fit.

You have to let your friend know. Tell her that it looks like the boys’ relationship changed and it doesn’t seem like they enjoy hanging out together. Tell her that maybe it will change again in the future, but for now maybe it’s best if they don’t spend so much time together. If you think they have a cordial relationship and an occasional outing to the batting cages or a movie or some other group activity is appropriate, let her know that you would be happy to include her son. Just not on a regular basis.

It’s entirely possible that your friend may not know that your sons are no longer close. Sometimes our kids don’t discuss relationships and friendships with us as much as we’d like them to and your bringing it up may lead to an important conversation between them. Maybe there are other friends whose houses he’d like to go to on days when his mom can’t pick him up. Of course it’s also possible that your friend may feel slighted. Make sure you explain that her son is welcome in her home and that she knows that she can rely on you in a pinch.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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01 Jul
Play Date Pool Etiquette

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My daughter Sadie is 11 and our neighbor’s daughter Alexis is 9.  Alexis’ grandparents have a pool and Alexis invited Sadie to come swim.  Alexis is used to getting her way so her grandpa said yes. This is the first time in 2 years that Sadie has been invited to swim. I said only 30 minutes because we had plans that day.

My daughter Sadie doesn’t swim well and I was under the impression that the grandma would watch them swim, but based on what my daughter told me, I don’t think they were supervised well. Plus, Alexis begged Sadie to jump off the diving board after I told both of them she had to stay in the shallow end.

I am not technically invited to go to their house, but feel like I need to if she goes swimming. And they may not really want Sadie over there and are just letting Alexis have her way.  So do you think I should go over there to watch her swim? She was invited today and Sadie begged but I just said no. I don’t want to annoy Alexis’ grandparents. What do you think?

Signed,

Mi Pool, Tu Pool?

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Dear Mi Pool, Tu Pool,

My grandparents had a pool growing up and I loved inviting friends over to swim. And I think they loved it too because my grandmother would always bring us ice tea with real mint leaves poolside.  Real mint leaves! Can you imagine that kind of service today?

And yes, there was that small incident when I rode my bicycle into the pool but overall it was pretty stress-free and enjoyable for them having me and my friends over.

I wouldn’t assume that Alexis’ grandparents don’t want Sadie over. If only there was some kind of telepathic way to know for sure. Wait – I’ve got it. And this is better than mental telepathy – the telephone!

Just give them a call and say, “Alexis has invited Sadie over to swim. I wanted to make sure it’s okay and not a bother for you.” And if they agree to have her over with a hearty, “No problem!” then please say the following. “Sadie isn’t a strong swimmer so would you mind if I came over and watched the girls in the pool?” I can imagine them being very relieved that you are taking on the responsibility and they don’t have to worry about their safety in the pool.

And that is really the most important part because WATER IS DANGEROUS.  Please take it from someone whose sister almost drowned, you can not be too cautious around water.  Children (even strong swimmers) need to be watched in the pool because anything can happen.  If possible, I would also sign Sadie up for some swim instruction as soon as possible.  Then both of you can feel more comfortable when she is in the water.

Good luck,

Kelcey, TMH

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24 Jun
Wanted: Sexy Housewives

DEAR HOUSEWIFE AND SEXY BHABHI,

PLEASE TELL ME THAT I ALWAYS DREAM ABOUT SEX AND ONLY SEX TO HAVE WITH HOUSEWIFE AND BHABHI WITH THE AGE OF 25,30,35..

WHY SO, AND ITS A HARDY REQUEST TO YOU ALL PLEASE GET ME ANY HOUSEWIFE OR BHABHI FOR A NIGHT FOR ME…PLEASE

Signed,

Viky

________________________

Dear Viky,

Boy, was I happy to see your question in our in-box! Everything else in there is all “my mother-in-law this,” “my sister-in-law that,” “my husband likes butter on his toast and does that mean he’s gay,” blah  blah blah. It’s pretty bleak, my man.

But then I saw your letter and immediately got a big smile on my face. Because you know what makes a housewife and sexy bhabhi feel more special than a flattering email from a sexual internet deviant? Nothing, that’s what. No. Thing.

However, I do have a couple of questions for you, Mr. Viky, so please tell your secretary to hold all of your calls and I’ll get to askin’.

Question One: Why do you only want to have sex with a housewife and bhabhi who’s the age of 25, 30, 35?  Does your penis only work when dealing in intervals of five?

Question Two: You ask us to get you “any” housewife or bhabhi for a night of you. Would you accept my neighbor housewife Jill who only wears cat sweatshirts and who once told me that she has so much pubic hair, her OB/GYN’s office calls her “Sasqua-gina”? I think she’d be totally into you.

And not just because her husband likes butter on his toast.

And Question Three: How are you allowed access to a computer? Do volunteer nuns come to your facility one a day with a laptop? I’m a little curious as to how you’re able to type.

But, I don’t know, V. The more I think about it, the more I think that you don’t really need a housewife. What you really need house arrest. (Word play!)

Good luck,

Wendi, TMH

 

 

 

 

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20 Jun
The Mouthy Housewives Explore The Latest Trend: Boudoir Photography!

You all know how much we here at The Mouthy Housewives appreciate a good trend. Whether it’s fashion, a new exercise, or an up-and-coming travel destination, we are all over that mess. Kristine, for example, is currently rocking an electric blue shoulder-padded blazer with geometric buttons and Marinka just booked a vacation to Kokomo. Try not to be jealous or Wendi, Kelcey and Karen won’t share their clove cigarettes with you.

That’s why, when we heard about a new trend on the rise, we immediately called a Mouthy Meeting at the clubhouse. (Which is just like a Meetin’ in the Ladies Room, only no one’s peeing.) Anyway, the trend that has us all excited is called Boudoir Photography and it comes in the form of a party, ladies. Obviously, we were instantly intrigued. So much so that Karen started stripping immediately. After dousing her with some cold water, we went over the logistics. We’d have to throw a party with the goal of feeling more empowered and the achievement of a deeper bond within our friendship. A photographer would be called to document the session. Oh, and we’d be stark naked. Suddenly, there was a flurry of chatter as we all started talking at once.

Kelcey: Naked? As in birthday suit? But do they airbrush?

Marinka: Please. I’m naked on my balcony every Sunday morning. It’s nothing half of Manhattan hasn’t seen already.

Kristine: I’ve always wanted to do porn!

Wendi: Yeah, Kristine, if you’ve “always” wanted to do porn, why did you say “no” when I brought over my camcorder and friend Tommy Long Schlong last week?

Karen: I just did one of these photo shoots with my mother-in-law last week for our annual holiday card! So fun!

In the end, we booked the photographer, and, I must say, we had the time of our lives smooshing our pancaked breasts against one another’s armpits. Femininity? Stronger than ever! Friendship? We’re talking Single White Female level, here!

TMH naked

What do you think? Personally, I don’t think we’ve ever looked more…natural. The whole thing was such a raging success that we’ve already scheduled another meeting to go over our next trend-setting party. So far, this is what we’ve come up with:

1. Boudoir Cooking! (We just need to find tiny hair nets.)
2. Boudoir Shoe Shopping! (Nothing says confidence like a public nudity citation from Macy’s!)
3. Boudoir Exercise! (You thought Spinning was painful before you jammed your bare lady parts on a bike seat!)
4. Boudoir Marriage! (Yes, we’re even thinking of getting naked in front of our spouses! A FIRST!)

We’d love to hear your input, ladies! And don’t hesitate to share your own Boudoir Photography images! (Please, no Photoshop.)

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17 Jun
My Boyfriend 1.0 is Getting Married. Why am I Upset?

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently found out that my very first boyfriend is getting married again, and I cannot quit obsessing over it.

We dated when I was very young – my senior year of high school and freshman year in college. I was sure at the time he was “the one” for me. As it turns out, he wasn’t, and we went our separate ways.

After college, I moved home and we started seeing each other again. Naively, I believed we were on the way to getting back together. It took me seeing him out one night with another girl to realize that I was only a booty call to him, not a serious relationship prospect. The last time I spoke with him was over 20 years ago, when he called to invite me to come over for the evening. I was dating a new guy, who would eventually become my husband, so I turned him down.

He has had a string of failed relationships – at least two divorces that I know of. I, on the other hand, have been married, more or less happily, for nearly 20 years.

The fact of the matter is, it was never going to work with this guy. We came from two different worlds socioeconomically, and we live in different worlds now. Think Lexus Soccer Mom and Tattooed Harley Man. I am in middle management with a 6-figure salary, he has held the same blue collar job since the 1980s. We wanted different things from life. We had little in common 25 years ago beyond teenage hormones and unlimited time together, and we don’t have a thing in common now besides two years of history.

So tell me, if you can, why I even give a damn about this? It wasn’t meant to be 25 years ago, I’ve been happy for 20 years without him, and I cannot understand what is driving me to be so interested in him now after all this time.

Do I need therapy? Is my marriage a sham? Is this standard 40-something behavior for a woman to look back and wonder what might have been? Is it okay that I think his new wife looks like a hooker, and not the pretty kind?

I can’t imagine discussing this with my husband, although I’ve thought about it. Honestly, there isn’t anything I’m missing at home. My husband loves me, respects me, takes great care of me and our kids. We don’t argue much, and while our life isn’t the most exciting, we have a happy home and activities we enjoy. It would kill him to know I’m even thinking of the other guy, much less obsessing over him.

I really would like someone to tell me what I need to do to shut the book on that chapter of my life. Can anyone help?

Signed,

Make Me Stop
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Dear Make Me Stop,

Let me type something that may put this whole thing in perspective. I do not know of one woman in this universe who upon hearing that her ex-boyfriend of whatever vintage is getting married, doesn’t stop whatever she is doing, Google the hell out of everything related to the ex, his new wife, their alma maters, pets and astrological signs.

We, I mean, “they” do this because we are human. We do this because we are sentimental. We do this because sometimes it feels good to remember what we were like at 19. So while I think that your interest is absolutely normal, I am concerned that you are “obsessing” over this situation. You need to be honest with yourself- what do you think is going on? While you described your life now as pretty dreamy, I wonder if you feel that you’re missing some excitement of the Harley variety. You made it clear that you are from different socio-economic worlds and yet I’ve heard tell that people can be attracted and fall in love across income tax brackets. So while you recognize that you and the Ex have different life goals and plans, it does not mean that you did not find him crazy attractive in other ways. I believe the psychological terms for this Madonna-whore phenomenon for women is Joseph-Harley.

It would not hurt to have a few sessions with someone to talk this through. It may be just that you need to acknowledge the teenage attraction and to confirm that it did not feel good to be the booty call and not be treated seriously. And no, I do not think it is a good idea to discuss this with your husband at this point. It would be hurtful to use him as a sounding board and he may not have the tools to help you process what you are going through. And a therapist can help you focus on what is happening now in your own life that is making his apparently third marriage of so much interest to you. (I am assuming from your letter that you did not obsess about the first two.) Are your kids getting ready to leave home? Are they dating themselves?

I hope you get the answers you need soon.

Good luck,

Marinka, TMH

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