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23 Jun
Tattoos are Not Wedding Appropriate

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I want to include my 3 sisters in my wedding as bridesmaids. The problem is I don’t really get along with one of them. I thought I could get over it and just let her do it anyway to avoid family problems, but she just got the UGLIEST tattoo on her right arm, which would be really hard to cover up. I really don’t want her to be in the wedding now. It is shallow, but I don’t want her tattoo (of Insane Clown Posse Juggalo ax murderer guy) to ruin my pictures.

We already don’t get a long (AT ALL) and she lives a few states away. I don’t know if it is ok to include my other 2 sisters and not her. I don’t want to damage things between us anymore but now I really don’t think I can be ok with her being a part of my wedding… How do I deal with this?!

Signed,

I Wish I Only Had Two Sisters

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Dear I Wish,

I just booked you and your fiancé a flight to Las Vegas. An Elvis impersonator will marry you at the Avoid Family Drama Wedding Chapel and you can party the night away with Celine Dion, far from the Insane Clown Posse or their fans. Problem solved.   Well, except that you’ll still have three sisters and now all three of them will be pissed that they weren’t bridesmaids.

This is what I hate about weddings. We spend our entire life cleverly sweeping family problems under the rug and then a stupid wedding brings out all the dysfunction in one mighty swoop. It can be a lot to handle – especially for the bride.

But remember, when it comes to a wedding, you can never undo the decisions you make. You leave your loud mouthed Aunt Helen off the guest list and you’ll feel a tinge of regret every time she calls to sing you Happy Birthday. You choose aqua colored floor length bridesmaid dresses, your maid of honor will always remind you that it clashed with everyone’s skin tones. So you have to make your bridal decisions carefully.

I understand your sister is not your favorite person but you must ask her to be a bridesmaid. It will cause so much family upset to leave her out.   You don’t have to love her, but you do have to include her. Of course, if she has ever slept with your fiancé or she’s a serial killer, then you’re off the hook. But if neither of these exceptions apply, she must be in the wedding party.

As for the hideous tattoo, hire a make-up artist who is skilled at covering such things up. Or have your sister wear a long sleeve dress.   And then forget about it. This is your day to focus on your husband-to-be and your life together and no one can take that away from you.

Signed,

Kelcey, TMH

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28 Jul
Help Control Bridezilla

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I’m the Maid of Honor for my darling little sister’s wedding. She is the definition of Bridezilla – plans change on a daily (hourly?) basis. The wedding is next summer, a sort of semi-destination wedding, about 50 miles away at the shore.

My problem? The wedding guest list is only about 30 people with dinner at a restaurant afterward. But an engagement party is already set for the fall, with a guest list of 100 people. And there may be a “reception” a few weeks after the wedding, again with a guest list of 100 people.

Maybe I’m just old fashioned, but isn’t it rude/tacky/greedy/impolite to pretty much tell people that they’re good enough to come to a party and give you a present, but not good enough to be a guest at your actual wedding?

Signed,

Sister of the Bridezilla

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Dear Sister of the Bridezilla,

As I read your question, a wave of sweet nostalgia washed over me when I remembered my own outrageous demands for my wedding day. Although, I still contend that the peacock feather headbands were enormously flattering on every one of my bridesmaids.

Now many a bride has dreamed of a small ceremony. I know I did, but unfortunately, I married a guy who has more relatives than the population of Pittsburgh.   And it did get a bit tedious introducing myself over and over again to guests at my own wedding reception. So I understand your sister’s wishes. But I also completely understand your desire to be polite and gracious.

It is absolutely acceptable to have an incredibly small wedding and throw a kick arse party for everyone else a few weeks later. I mean, let’s be honest here. No one goes to a wedding to hear those long winded, sappy vows. They come for the music, the alcohol and the lamb chop hors d’oeuvres.

So if the couple throws two great parties (an engagement and post wedding party), it’s fine to have a tiny wedding.   Just make sure to stress that the couple is having a very small destination ceremony (don’t mention numbers) and saving their money for a big blow-out after the “I do’s” (don’t let them skimp on the party).   And trust me, your guests will drink more in Absolut vodka at those parties than they spent on that vase they bought from Crate & Barrel for the happy couple.

If you still feel uncomfortable with this scenario, you could try to convince your sister to invite everyone to the ceremony. But just because it’s 50 miles away, don’t think everyone will send their regrets. People have a way of showing up when you don’t want them to.

And in the end, this is her wedding. Years from now, you can both laugh over her Bridezilla tendencies. Unfortunately, that time is not now.

Good luck sista of the bride.

Love,

Kelcey, TMH

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