01 Aug
My Neighbor Is A Real Piece of…

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My neighbor is a psycho who does not own a dog, yet obtained dog poop from one of the dogs on the block and put it all over my front doorstep. Her husband is a cop. Mine is as well (not in the same town). There has been bad blood for years, but this has crossed the line as my kids nearly walked through it and into the house. She watches my house constantly and waited until we left to plant the poop. No one else was home on our block. How can I get revenge?


Scheming in the Suburbs


Dear Scheming,

I’m going to try my best not to trigger you by saying the word “crap” in this post, but I can’t make any promises.

Because, seriously, holy crap!

But, you’re right: very nearly tracking poop into one’s house is certainly the final straw when it comes to many cases of harassment. You need not look further than an episode of CSI to see that. That said, I am curious about   the sequence of events that culminated with this…well…crap. (I’m sorry. It’s going to be more difficult than I thought.)

First, I wonder if you were you ever friends with this neighbor. Have you exhausted all options as far as reasoning with this possibly emotionally unstable woman? (Perhaps after secretly sedating her by hacking into her water lines?) Additionally, and more importantly, it must be said that I am no fool (unless it involves financial investments, but that’s neither here nor there, so please stay focused). Certainly this woman was prompted by something to place poop at your front door. Feuds don’t pop out of thin air, and I wonder how much of your own behavior compounded these ill feelings you seem to have for one another. Because when we sift out the details, I’m guessing that neither one of you is all that innocent.

Of course, I certainly don’t think anyone deserves a pooped-upon doorstep. (And I’m not even sure I want to go near the fact that she doesn’t have a damn dog…is it possible that a loose dog miscalculated his proximity to your front yard?) I think you must take action to put an end to this stressing relationship. However, feudal law happens to have been outlawed for quite some time now, so revenge is probably not your best approach.

I think this leaves you a few options. If a civil discussion is out of the question, I would suggest setting up some surveillance around your home. Had you installed a video camera or something, you might have the proof you need to begin some sort of legal action against your neighbor. Of course, if this woman is unstable as you’re making her out to be, this could just make things worse. In that case, I think it’s best you move to another home altogether and rent your property out to the most obnoxious family possible. I’m thinking along the lines of Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.

But if you choose to ignore this advice and go the revenge route anyway, be sure to do it right. In other words, does anyone in your neighborhood have a pet elephant?

Good luck!

Kristine, TMH

15 Responses to “My Neighbor Is A Real Piece of…”


Comment by N and Em's mom.

Wow! Unless you are absolutely 100% positive that she did it, you have to zip it. I know from personal experience that it is not easy having a crazy neighbor, but unless you saw her or someone you would trust with your life, your child’s life or a bar of chocolate saw her do it, you can’t be sure that it is her. If you have a dog, make sure that you keep it on a leash, pick up the poop and put it in YOUR garbage can. If your dog is an indiscriminate pooper, it could be anyone in the neighborhood sending you a message. People get really cranky about these things. By the way, if you don’t have a dog, this is really, really creepy. Take it seriously and get a camera.

Emily Reply:

this seems most likely.

also, children and chocolate bars are both important.

easiest camera would be a webcam.. move the computer close enough to put the webcam on the window sill to see the door.

but really, if she did do it – what are the chances she’d use the same prank twice?

also, what is up with adult people doing things like this?


Comment by Karin.

camera under the guise of e-peephole.


Comment by Karin.

hubby chimed in to say call Internal Affairs for her husbands office. It might be something outside of what they can do but it is obvious that you can’t call the cops to help since her hubby works with them so even if they can’t do anything, your call and complaint would be on record.


Comment by From Belgium.

a) get a camera and start collecting evidence of her crazy behaviour
b) get a dog to poop in a paper bag, deposit said bag on her front door (make sure she is home), ring the bell, set said bag on fire, hide in the bushes and watch as she stompes out the fire and right in the doggy-heap.


Comment by Wendi.

Anyone who would willingly collect dog poop that doesn’t belong to their dog is obviously a psycho. Or really really immature.

Unless you plan on selling your house, you need to solve this soon. It’s only going to get worse.


Comment by Padded Cell Princess.

I say fight crazy with crazy. Slap on some really thick rubber gloves, take that poo and write “I know it was you!” on the side of her house! If she wan’t the original depositor of the poo on your doorstep then she will probably think that there is some poo ghost haunting her house but if she was the one who did it, then you just out crazied her and she may stop (or go buck wild, but let’s not think about that!).

Melody M Reply:

My 3 year old just demanded three times, “What are you laughing about, Mama?!”

Melody M Reply:

Ps- Yes, I am up at 3:09 am reading- it’s the only quiet time I get, except for times like this when my daughter has wandered from her room for a drink of water.


Comment by Plano Mom.

Wow. Seriously wow. This one is just the other side of reality. Leave it alone. And if you were doing something to escalate to this, stop it. NOW. Time for someone to be the big girl and end it, by walking away.

Meredith L. Reply:

I agree. I know many, many, many, many, many, many, many lawyers, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned from them it’s this: don’t give your opponent anything to work with. Not a damn thing. If, up until now, you’ve been going back and forth with her, now’s a good time to stop it. If you can’t try to have a civil discussion along the lines of: “Let’s clear the air and start fresh,” then just stop. Drop it. Don’t give her any reasons to keep doing things like this to you. Don’t even give her a dirty look when you both leave the house at the same time.

Meanwhile, get that camera, and start keeping your eyes and ears peeled. If you stop and she continues with such atrocious behavior, you may be able to get some sort of “cease and desist” order against her. (A restraining order only works if she’s threatened you or your family with bodily harm.)

It might also behoove you to make some low-key inquiries to your other neighbors. If Crazy Lady’s been doing this to everyone, there will be strength in numbers.


Comment by More Subtle Effort.

One of my husband’s friends have a problem with their neighbor. It has not stooped to this level but he has through ice chunks at her kids and dogs and called the police because the kids were outside (during the afternoon). He problem is that he’s a cranky old man who longs for a quiet country setting and she has typical kids who make noise outside.

Anyway, there are power lines that run over his driveway so she hung birdhouses on the fence along that side of her yard. The birds are attracted by the birdhouses, sit on the wires and “remind” him to wash his car.

I, personally, would create a diary of incidents at your house and, if possible, set up a webcam on the front and side of the house closest to her. Document, document, document. You don’t know if she’s convinced others in the neighborhood that you’re a menace or if it’s one of your kids’ nemeses. Calling the police would only exacerbate the situation and, since there is probably a gun in the house with an obviously unstable woman, put your family in danger. If she goes too far and does real damage to your property, at least the insurance company would have grounds to talk to her if you can prove she’s performed at least a few of the acts herself.

No sense endangering your family over dog crap.


Comment by Melody M.

I’ve known crazy, and everyone who says not to provoke is right- you never know who is capable of snapping at some point and will end up doing something truly threatenIng. But just in case you don’t know when to hold em and fold em…
I knew “some girls in high school” who were amused by pulling pranks on people they knew (and, inadvertently, their parents). The favorite prank was “forking”, which involved taking a giant box of plastic forks from sam’s club and, under the cover of night, stabbing them into the ground in their front yard. As many as possible without getting caught. If this was a revenge prank, the handles were stomped off, making double the mess and the added hassle of having to dig the prongs of the fork out of the ground. (And there was also the “neighborhood yard ornament swap… But I wouldn’t know anything about that except what I heard, of course.)


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