Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My neighbor is a psycho who does not own a dog, yet obtained dog poop from one of the dogs on the block and put it all over my front doorstep. Her husband is a cop. Mine is as well (not in the same town). There has been bad blood for years, but this has crossed the line as my kids nearly walked through it and into the house. She watches my house constantly and waited until we left to plant the poop. No one else was home on our block. How can I get revenge?
Scheming in the Suburbs
I’m going to try my best not to trigger you by saying the word “crap” in this post, but I can’t make any promises.
Because, seriously, holy crap!
But, you’re right: very nearly tracking poop into one’s house is certainly the final straw when it comes to many cases of harassment. You need not look further than an episode of CSI to see that. That said, I am curious about the sequence of events that culminated with this…well…crap. (I’m sorry. It’s going to be more difficult than I thought.)
First, I wonder if you were you ever friends with this neighbor. Have you exhausted all options as far as reasoning with this possibly emotionally unstable woman? (Perhaps after secretly sedating her by hacking into her water lines?) Additionally, and more importantly, it must be said that I am no fool (unless it involves financial investments, but that’s neither here nor there, so please stay focused). Certainly this woman was prompted by something to place poop at your front door. Feuds don’t pop out of thin air, and I wonder how much of your own behavior compounded these ill feelings you seem to have for one another. Because when we sift out the details, I’m guessing that neither one of you is all that innocent.
Of course, I certainly don’t think anyone deserves a pooped-upon doorstep. (And I’m not even sure I want to go near the fact that she doesn’t have a damn dog…is it possible that a loose dog miscalculated his proximity to your front yard?) I think you must take action to put an end to this stressing relationship. However, feudal law happens to have been outlawed for quite some time now, so revenge is probably not your best approach.
I think this leaves you a few options. If a civil discussion is out of the question, I would suggest setting up some surveillance around your home. Had you installed a video camera or something, you might have the proof you need to begin some sort of legal action against your neighbor. Of course, if this woman is unstable as you’re making her out to be, this could just make things worse. In that case, I think it’s best you move to another home altogether and rent your property out to the most obnoxious family possible. I’m thinking along the lines of Cousin Eddie from Christmas Vacation.
But if you choose to ignore this advice and go the revenge route anyway, be sure to do it right. In other words, does anyone in your neighborhood have a pet elephant?