Excuse us, but we’re old. The average age of our children is 5.3 years (note: Marinka was in charge of the math on that one and she claims that her “superpower is guesstimating.”) But because we’re out of the first birthday celebration business, we may be a bit behind the times. So help us, please.
We hear there’s a new Smash Cakes fad, yes? And by “new” we mean for the past couple of years. Like we said, we’re old and don’t always know what’s going on with the youngsters.
But from what we understand, smash cakes are made by parents who have enough time on their hands to not only make one cake to eat, but one cake that’s just given to the birthday baby as a Smash Cake. Wilton even has a special recipe for one.
A Smash Cake is a beautiful cake that the kid will smash, lick, paw and otherwise destroy. Sort of the snuff film of cakes, if you will.
We are confused by this.
First, we don’t understand why a one year old must be have an entire cake for his/herself. Doesn’t this set him up for a lifetime of disappointment? Because listen, buddy, the only time you’re getting a whole cake to yourself is if you score an Entenmann’s at the local deli or lock your mother in her closet on her birthday. And it makes us weepy to see all of that baked goodness go to waste. Sniff. (Also, we love this tip from TLC.com: “Brightly colored cake frosting makes a great looking cake, but the food dye can stain skin for a couple of days and wreck havoc on your clothes and upholstery. If you want to keep the destruction at a minimum, stick with white frosting for easier cleanup.“)
Second, we don’t understand why these parents aren’t a bit more concerned about the crazy sugar high that the kids get. We’re getting our blood sugar checked after just watching some of the videos online. It’s like seeing the final scene in Scarface, only instead of a giant mound of cocaine, it’s cake and nobody has machine guns. Yikes.
Third, why not give a kid a regular from-the-box cake or a $5.99 cake from the local supermarket? (Or one from across town, if you’re in the 1%.) Why go all out with a fancy schmancy cake?
It’s about the parents, isn’t it?
It’s because they want an awesome recording of their child’s first birthday and what better way than through cake annihilation and tons and tons of photos to put on Facebook? Ah.
Now we get it.