The Freewheelin’ Freeballers
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a predicament. I have 2 boys (ages 4 and 5) who both refuse to wear underwear. I’ve tried regular tighty whities, boxer briefs, boxers…all to no avail. They both have the argument the underwear is uncomfortable and “crowds” them too much. They aren’t wearing clothes that are too small, so I believe there should be plenty of space in their britches for some undergarments.
Should I continue to fight this never-ending battle or should I allow them their freedom to do as they please in this instance? For a clearer understanding, Daddy wears undies all the time, so this isn’t a family thing. I’m obviously not a guy, so I don’t really have a good retaliating argument against their reasons for not wearing them other than “because I said so” and we all know how well that one works.
I buy them long enough shorts so there’s less of a possibility for a mishap to occur where anyone else should ever notice (at least thru the pant leg) that they have no unders on. There is the risk that someone pulls their pants down revealing themselves to the world, at which point we have entirely other issues to be dealt with…help!
Signed,
Questioning My Free Flying Offspring
_______________________
Dear Questioning,
Remember when you first dreamed of having a baby? How you’d fantasize about wrapping them in soft, little blankies and singing lullabies to them? How you pictured the two of you cavorting in a field of daisies while your husband accompanied you on his heirloom lute? How you really, truly, sincerely hoped that one special day, you’d find yourself frantically apologizing to the branch manager of a Wells Fargo bank because one son just pulled down the other son’s shorts and screamed, “ATTACK OF THE NAKED WHITE BOOTY! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, SUCKERS!” while 50 angry customers looked at you like you should be thrown in parenting jail because you didn’t even put underwear on your kid?
You did dream all of that? Me, too! And unfortunately, it all came true. (Well, not the lute part because, hello, lute?)
But as the mother of two boys (now ages 7 and 9), I have walked in your shoes, sister. I spent many a year begging, pleading, cajoling and crying for my boys to Just Put On Underwear. I tried the “Here! Pick out any kind you want! Aren’t the Transformers Boys’ Briefs chic?” I tried the embarrassing, “Do you want everybody at Steak ‘n Shake to see your private parts?” I may have even hinted that not wearing underwear can cause night blindness and bad flag football skills, but still nothing worked.
Here’s what did work: Threats.
I know everybody hates to go there, but find your kids’ most important currency, then tell them it goes away if they don’t put on underwear. For Jack, it was video game time. For Sam, it was play dates. It’s the nuclear option for sure, but if it’s important to you that they don’t go commando and let their boys fly freerange, give it a try.
And here’s the best news of all: Most times, this is just a phase of boyhood. I think it only lasted a couple of years for us, and now they’d never even dream of not wearing underwear. (Oh, another thing—I’ve always told them they don’t have to sleep in underwear, so that gives them some, um, flexibility.) So just be patient and hopefully your boys will soon outgrow their hatred of underwear and start wearing it every day without a problem.
Well, unless they go into politics. Then all bets are off.
Good luck,
Wendi, TMH
18 Responses to “The Freewheelin’ Freeballers”
Comment by Plano Mom.
I just knew Wendi was perfect for this question. For my son, his bedtime ice cream worked.
In our house, underwear is worn by everyone outside the house. You can wear it on your head, even outside your clothes – at least everyone knows your mother made you wear them. Inside, you can run around naked if you like, your only risk is being teased unmercifully about certain body parts.
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Comment by Muffintopmommy.
UGH–totally going through this with 4 year old—-we start the day with undies, and oh I’ve tried every kind for him, and inevitably I usually find them bunched behind the toilet. Charming!
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Comment by thepsychobabble.
Who cares? It’s just underwear.
If everyone knows how to clean up after themselves properly (you know what I mean…if they can’t yet, than by all means press the underwear) then all is well.
If the shorts issue bothers you, than come to a compromise. If you’re wearing shorts, you have to wear undies, or change to pants.
Just think of it as having less laundry to do.
Signed,
I’m-Typing-This-Underwear-Free
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Comment by Tonya.
This reminds me of that Friends episode (because I totally live my life through tv experiences) where Pheobe dates that guy who won’t wear underwear and so all the friends avoid him until the dude at the coffee shop finally says: Keep the Mouse in the House, Buddy, this is family place” and then Pheobe dumps him.
Moral: tell them to wear underwear or else creepy men in coffee shops will see their junk and fictional tv women will not want to date them.
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Comment by Marinka, TMH.
My son never went through this phase. But I’m a really excellent mother.
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Comment by hokgardner.
My son hasn’t hit this phase yet, but he does insist on wearing his Buzz Lightyear underpants backwards so that he can see the Buzz picture that’s on the butt. So he spends most of his day freeing himself from wedgies.
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Comment by Heather.
I bet Anthony Weiner’s mom forced him to wear underwear between the ages of 2-4. Look what it did to him!
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Comment by Karin.
my son loves his undies so much, he doesn’t want to take them off – somedays this makes for a lot of laundry (yes, you actually have to take it off to go potty) but most days it means that he wants to run around only in his undies…
FYI – he’s particular about them too – he likes Hanes boxer briefs, not fruit of the loom.
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Comment by mysimplycomplicated.
You know, people with boys *always* have something to say about raising BOYS, and now I understand, just slightly more, why that is!
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Comment by dusty earth mother.
I had a friend when I was a kid whose little brother wouldn’t wear underwear. One time he pulled down his shorts to scare us and IT DID. The memory of that 5-year old penis still haunts me. For the love of all that is holy, force the drawers on those munchkins.
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Comment by MommyTime.
I was skimming when I got to this sentence: I know everybody hates to go there, but find your kids’ most important currency, then tell them it goes away if they don’t put on underwear. So I sort of skipped the clause about the “most important currency” — and thus to me the sentence said, “Obviously, you tell them that if they don’t wear underwear to cover It, the It goes away.” I see now that this isn’t what you were suggesting, but I do think that if you threatened them with the inexplicable disappearance of It, that might work. I get that people will think I’m cruel, but really, people used to tell boys that playing with It would result in permanent growth of hair on their palms, so it’s hardly the first scary threat boys have faced. Personally, I believe loss of It is even more likely to be effective than the hairy palms threat. But that’s just me.
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Comment by Kimberly.
Just tell them their testicles will be sagging to their knees by the time they are 20 if they don’t wear underwear to support them. Problem solved.
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Comment by Free ballers | Totheworldvaca.
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Karin Reply:
June 23rd, 2011 at 11:35 am
we have this happen too but now that he’s found Hanes boxer briefs that he likes a lot and only come in solid colors, he won’t wear the character briefs
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hokgardner Reply:
June 23rd, 2011 at 11:38 am
My son has the boxer briefs without characters, and he still wears them backwards.
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