Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My children have a paid carpool to school in the morning and travel by bus back home in the afternoon. They are 11 and 19. They travel with a neighbor just around the corner from my home. My kids have now been complaining for a while about this women using foul language on them and telling them that they are “F-ed up.” I really want to approach her and give her a bit of my mind as she has issues and is now taking it out on my kids. What should I do?
Everybody Out of the Car Pool
Dear Everybody Out of the Car Pool,
So let me get this straight. Someone you’re paying with your money is telling your kids that they’re “f-ed up” and you’re wondering what to do? You’re obviously not from the Mouthy Housewife states of Texas or New York, my friend. Oh, no no no no no. If you were, you’d be asking us for bail money instead of asking us for advice. But luckily, we can still help you out because it is our duty as unpaid Internets writers.
Now listen closely: the next time your neighbor comes to pick up your kids, I want you to follow these instructions to the letter:
1. Slowly remove your earrings and hand them to your children while staring intensely at the carpool driver.
2. Repeat above, but with any and all hair extensions. Say something menacing like, “Hold momma’s wig for me, baby, I’s got work ta do” if you like.
3. Take your right hand and curl in all of your fingers until you form a nice, hard fist. (Note: Be sure you’re wearing every fake diamond ring you own.)
4. Now politely ask the driver to get out of the car. Perhaps in the genteel NYPD style. Example: GET YOUR MOTHAFOKKIN ASS OUT OF THE MOTHAFOKKIN CAR BEFORE I DO IT FOR YOU, YOU MOTHAFOKKIN UNDERWEAR STAIN. Then roll your neck and snort a few times.
5. Take that asshole all the way down to Chinatown.
If you don’t know what that last step means, well, then you’re either a nun or someone who skips around a daisy field singing country songs all day. But if you do understand it, then there’s no reason why you should let your children be treated that way by anyone ever. And I do mean ever. There’s really no confrontation needed, just get busy and find another way to get them to school.
And if you don’t, then that’s really f-ed up.