23 Apr
Talking to Kids About Sex Scandals: How 2010!

Please welcome Laura, of Momtrolfreak, as our special Guest Mouthy Housewife. I’ve been a fan of Laura’s for over a year now (we’ll be celebrating our anniversary shortly) and if you’re not already a fan, you’re in for a treat! Laura’s blog is both funny and smart, just like she is. And just like you, dear reader, are.  So after you read Laura’s advice here, head on over to Momtrolfreak for more wisdom and humor! -Marinka

Note from the future: Laura now writes at this site.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

Even though I try to shield them, my kids have now seen sex scandals like John Edwards and Tiger Woods on the news. It got them confused, and now they want to know why those men did that to their wives. What do I tell them?

Signed,

Ethical Emma

___________________________________________________________

Dear EE,

Personally, I wouldn’t expose my kids to such filth as ‘politics’ and ‘golf.’ I’ll bet you let them watch Jeopardy and look up words in the OED, too. What’s next, NOVA? If you don’t have the sense to steer them towards wholesome media like  Rock of Love and WWF Smackdown, at least let them watch  Jersey Shore (I think it’s on PBS).

Bygones. You don’t mention your kids’ ages, so I’ll give you some options:

Infants: No flirting with waitresses. Waitresses were all over my baby like white on rice; nip that crap in the bud. Also: purge your home of ‘shape-sorter’ toys. Great for fine motor manipulation, but it has been my experience that boys do not need encouragement to stuff their ‘personal belongings’ in the nearest available hole.

Preschoolers: Moral: Lying is bad. It’s sometimes hard to tell the truth, but not nearly as hard as being beaten with a frying pan, crashing your car, doing 45 days in rehab and losing your endorsements. So think about that, little Timmy, before you tell me whether you washed your hands after you peed.

Tweens: These men allowed fame to fool them into thinking they were above moral obligations. The lesson is not to be distracted by shiny objects or fake, bouncy ones. No matter how popular or talented you are or how maniacally perfect your hair, there is no excuse for  banging a ho hurting those you love.

Teenagers: Sex is special, shared between two consenting adults  and a video camera.    Sex is wonderful when engaged in responsibly with someone  who served you pancakes you love  to pay large sums of money. Also? Condoms.

Regardless of age, reassure your children, loudly and in your husband’s presence, that Daddy would never do that to Mommy because Daddy is scared of Mommy. And if you ever find your husband playing with a shape sorter, seek legal counsel immediately.

Good luck!

Laura, Guest TMH

15 Responses to “Talking to Kids About Sex Scandals: How 2010!”

04.23.10#1

Comment by a..

Laura, you are hilarious! Best thing to do in the morning is to read one of your posts. It puts me in such a happy mood.

04.23.10#2

Comment by Lara.

“…because Daddy is scared of Mommy…” Love it.

GrandeMocha Reply:

My favorite line too!

04.23.10#3

Comment by Michelle.

This was REALLY funny! Thanks for posting!

04.23.10#4

Comment by Aging Mommy.

Great post! Love the admonitions to a pre-schooler who does not tell the truth, will have to remember those lines 🙂

Now I just have to come and check your blog out as this was just so funny

04.23.10#5

Comment by Erin at Im Gonna Kill Him.

Very funny. I think you need to cut to the truth or else you’ll have kids slinging information they don’t understand. Case in point:

When I was in college, living in a dorm with a 15 year old Asian brainiac who learned the words ‘oral sex’ thanks to the Clinton scandal. He would use the phrase incorrectly constantly, like “if the cafeteria worker doesn’t give me extra chicken fried steak tonight, I’m going to have oral sex her.”

04.23.10#6

Comment by adlibby.

You are bringin the funny! Shapesorters… LOL!

04.23.10#7

Comment by gigi.

ROFL. Excellent. Too funny!!!

04.23.10#8

Comment by Bombchelle.

Great analogy on the shape-sorter! Maybe could be modified to be like the game Operation, delivering a mild shock when aiming for any inappropriate holes.

04.23.10#9

Comment by momtrolfreak.

Thanks you guys!
@Erin: Reminds me of a friend in high school who asked our social studies teacher, “What does it feel like when you injecting the marijuana?”

@Bombchelle: THAT. Is hilarious. We can come up with a whole line of children’s toys & games that reinforce morality and not screwing the hos. Brilliance!

04.23.10#10

Comment by MashugaMom.

Ha, great advice, you crack me up… Come to think of it, I did see my husband with my infant’s shape sorter the other day.
Got the number of a good lawyer?

04.24.10#11

Comment by seekingelevation.

I’m quickly ditching the shape-sorter. Freaking Playskool.

04.24.10#12

Comment by Karen at French Skinny.

To my 3 year old: This is what happens when you don’t listen to Mommy. Your entire life becomes a sham, you lose your endorsements and creepy people try come up with an icky NIKE add to make it all better. But it doesn’t. NOW do you want to clean up your room?

04.25.10#13

Comment by Kami.

Yeah and if daddy is scared of mommy than you, kid, should be afraid. Be very afraid. (particularly because as we all know, sex is reserved for dirty streetwalkers and the pondscum who watch Californication.)

04.27.10#14

Comment by kmdguerra.

Daddy’s not really scared OF Mommy, he’s scared of losing her…because he definitely wouldn’t know his ass from his head without her! Loved the post!

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