18 Jan
Single Mom Seeks Support

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

I recently left my fiancee, and we have a six-month-old baby. He moved out of our apartment and into his parents’ house and I am staying at our apartment (I have been paying all the bills since our child was born anyway). In our discussions, he has made it very clear he didn’t want me to date and wasn’t going to date himself. However, I recently found a personals ad that he placed on Craigslist.

He has also been extremely disrespectful to me (name calling, etc). Two questions. 1. Do I have a right to be bothered by this personal ad (in which he bashes me)? 2. Is filing for child support inappropriate?

Signed,

Single Mom

_____________________________________________

Dear Single Mom,

It’s too bad that I am already married because nothing turns me on like a personals ad in which the guy bashes the mother of his child.  Most women crave that kind of a relationship.

To answer your question, you have a right to be bothered by anything and everything from the way that your ex treated you to this season’s The Bachelor. I mean, how many landing strips jokes can they make? Of course I’ve only seen the first episode, so the answer may well be “one.”   Anyway.

I don’t know why your ex-fiance thinks that he has a right to tell you that you can’t date, but you have absolutely no obligation to comply.  Likewise, it is hard to tell from your letter whether you are feeling jealous that he seems to be ready to Craigslist date or you’re annoyed because he’s so double-standard about it.  In either case, own your feelings.

But also realize that you and he will be parents to your child for the rest of your life, and the two of you will have to work out some parenting rules.  At the top of that list should be that each of you is respectful of the other.  I can see that this is going to be a challenge for him, and you may consider inviting him to attend a parenting class with you. Don’t put the burden on him alone. For example, as tempting as it may be to say, “Since you are a dumbass with no parenting or social skills, why don’t you go to class and learn how to be a dad?”—don’t.  Tell him that you want to be the best parents that you can be to your baby and that you want to make sure that the two of you are prepared for the challenges of parenting when the two of you are not together.

And of course he should be paying child support.  Supporting your child is part of being a parent. There are even laws about it.

Good luck to you,

Marinka, TMH

5 Responses to “Single Mom Seeks Support”

01.18.10#1

Comment by hokgardner.

You need to call the state agency that handles child support in your state and get the paperwork process started now. At least here in Texas, it can take up to six months to get the court order and paperwork filed. (I used to work for the state agency that handles child support here) If his name is on the birth certificate as father, he is obligated to pay support, regardless of marital, custody or visitation status.

01.18.10#2

Comment by Maggie.

Court ordered child support could be the incentive he needs. There are lots of websites out there that let you calculate what’s fair based on standards set by your state.

I’m a single mom, and have been for 13 years. The father of my children pops in and out of our lives and when I tried to do child support as voluntary, he paid it as he wanted to… which sometimes meant we went for months/years without a dime from him. Once I dediced to have the child support ordered by the court, he had to pay weekly. Now, the kids and I can go for years without seeing him, but the kids don’t do without.

If he wasn’t paying the bills at your apartment, then I’d take that as a sign. Either get a lawyer or a caseworker and GET child support. Even if it’s only $50 a month, that’s $50 less you have to worry about.

01.18.10#3

Comment by thepsychobabble.

yes, absolutely file for a support order, regardless of how many seemingly heartfelt promises he makes about how he will ALWAYS be there for his child, including financially.

In a lot of states, if you wind up on aid (and few plan to get into that situation, but a lot of single parents *are* and there is not anything wrong with that.) you HAVE to do so anyway. Better to do it now, and then not have to wait 6mos if your situation turns sour.

Best of luck for you.

01.18.10#4

Comment by Muirgen.

This guy also shows some signs of being controlling and abusive. If you think you’re better off (safer) completely without him, then take the steps to be named sole custodian of your child, and forego the support.

02.08.10#5

Comment by Single Mom.

🙂 thanks so much for the advice housewives. perhaps a parenting class would be a good idea…i do enjoy the idea of saying: “Since you are a dumbass with no parenting or social skills, why don’t you go to class and learn how to be a dad?”

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