Sentenced To Middle School, Solitary Confinement
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have a 13 year old girl who is about to enter 8th grade. We recently received her ‘pod’ assignment (pod = 4 teachers and their 100 or so students), and she has been placed in a pod without knowing any other girls in the class. Sadly, every single one of her group of friends (8 of them) have been placed in another pod, which basically means she will not cross their paths at all during an academic day. My dilemma: let it be, or advocate for her and attempt to have her moved before the school year starts? Let’s face it: middle school is hard enough, and to be asked to forge ahead without even one of her friends? Oh, my. She is understandably upset, and I wonder what is the right thing to do. She is bright, sweet and a bit shy, and since I serve on so many committees in our town, I could very likely have her moved. But the burning question is, should I?
Signed,
NH Mama
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Dear NH Mama,
Man, I can not think of a single person that can reflect upon his or her middle school days with any amount of fondness. (Well, actually, there was this one girl who recently told me how much she loved middle school, but my friends and I gave her such disdainful looks that we haven’t heard from her since.)
My point is that you have every reason to be concerned for your daughter’s experience. This particular era of her educational career will bring such awful things as zits, banana clips, stirrup pants, scrunchie socks, and tight-rolled Guess jeans. (Okay, maybe that was just me.)
So, when I first read your question, my initial response was YES! SAVE HER! RIOT & PROTEST IF YOU MUST! But then I thought about it for more than thirty seconds, and realized that this might not be such a great idea. As much as you want to protect your daughter and save her from what might be an awkward span in her middle school years, it’s important to step back as a parent at times like this. She’s been at this school for at least a year already, right? Surely she knows enough people to find some familiar faces this fall! If you think she’s too shy to make new friends, she’ll believe it herself–especially if you’re going so far as to pull strings with your committees. (That’s not a euphemism for “sleep with board members,” right?)
Like you said, she’s a sweet and bright young girl! She sounds like a charmer already, fully capable of making her way in a new crowd, and I bet she doesn’t even have my 1980s fashion working against her. So, let things be and see how the first few weeks (or months) go. Middle school can be scary, but it’s not lethal, and this might be a really wonderful opportunity for your daughter to build some confidence and make new connections. As long as those connections are not with boys, in which case you should lock her in her room for the rest of her life. (Which, coincidentally, would eliminate the original issue altogether!)
Good luck!
Kristine, TMH
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PS: Don’t forget to enter our Vonage Time to Call Contest, where the prize is an iPad 2! You can enter up to three times, but be quick about it, because the contest ends tomorrow!
22 Responses to “Sentenced To Middle School, Solitary Confinement”
Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.
Either situation will lead to a fine outcome. If you move her, though, I’d try to do it without her knowing you forced their hand. I don’t think it’s helpful for kids to think their parents can strongarm their way thru tough things.
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Comment by Plano Mom.
First of all, ROCK ON with your bad committee serving self. It takes a huge amount of time and energy to achieve that level of PTA power. I’m one of those that is always willing to send a check, so I’m popular but not powerful.
Tell your daughter, “Doesn’t it suck that life turns out that way?” Then every time she complains, you ask her “What do you think you can do to fix this, and how can I help you?”
This is a social problem, not a learning problem. And middle school is where you begin to learn to fix your own problems.
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Comment by Wendi.
I fully agree with Kristine’s advice. I had to move to a new high school my junior year and deal with not knowing anyone. But that gave me the confidence to go away to college not knowing anyone 2 years later, etc.
It’s painful for a mother to know her daughter faces a challenge, but she’ll be better off in the long run.
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Comment by Kelly.
This happened to me in 7th grade. My mom agonized but didn’t move me (she offered to, I had input, and we came to the decision not to petition for moving). It was one of the worst years of school for me. So I think I vote for having her moved.
BUT…on the other hand, girls this age can be wicked and what if you move her and then there’s in-fighting among her friends?
Neither option is fool proof or guaranteed to be without regret. I’m just a bouquet of sunshine this morning, aren’t I? I guess I’m just saying, don’t agonize too long, go with your gut, and then don’t beat yourself up if the choice isn’t perfect. Neither one will be and your daughter will be ok either way!
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Comment by BrittanyandTahn.
I totally agree with Kristine. It may be challenging for her, but it’s a good life lesson – you can’t always socially engineer your life. Sometimes you won’t know anyone and you have to step outside your comfort zone and make new friends.
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Comment by StephanieG.
@Plano Mom, I agree with you totally!! We are firmly on the “sink or swim” program at Casa Garcia. Life isn’t fair, and it isn’t always fun, but you play the hand you’re dealt.
I am on the PTA and have been since LittleG started school three years ago, and I just have to trust that the administrators assigning her to a classroom know more about my daughter’s educational needs than I do, and that they will do what’s right for her. As a parent, I don’t think I could ever know the thought process behind assigning my child to one group over another, so don’t sell your school administration group short. They may know EXACTLY that this new group is a better group for your child based on teacher personality, competency, her social skills, etc.
And let’s face it, middle school is going to be an awkward time for you child, even if she’s surrounded by her posse. I think you would be doing her a grave disservice by moving her to another group. This new group will challenge her social skills, help her learn to adapt, and will expose her to potential new BFFs.
And think of it this way – her old friends can still get together for weekly sleepovers, marathon texting sessions, and hour long phone calls. If they are really friends (and not just girls who are friendly due to being stuck together for the past few years), they will find a way to spend time together and keep those friendships going. They’ll still be there to support your daughter, and she’ll be there for them.
Good luck, and let the Junior High School drama ensue! You’ll have to check back with us to let us know how she’s doing…..
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Comment by Nona.
I agree with Kristine’s advice. As much as we want to fix things for our kids, eventually they have to figure things out on their own. And all we can do is help them develop coping skills when things get rough.
Sign me: Wish I had followed this advice myself.
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Comment by Christen.
I agree with Kelly. Also, maybe you could find out why she’s in the different pod. There might be a very good reason and she’d miss out on something good by being moved. But, if there was no reason at all, just numbers, I’d petition. It could be a simple error. Teachers don’t place 7 friends together and leave out one on purpose.
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Comment by Emily.
I agree with the advice here – it’s time for her to learn how to make new friends or separate school and her friends for weekends. Life has these times, the earlier we learn to adapt, the better. If she learns this now, perhaps she’ll be strong enough to choose the college she wants to go to, instead of just following her friends. She’ll learn what she’s capable of doing, gain confidence and be stronger for it.
Or not. In which case, it’ll be a very good learning experience for her anyways.
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Comment by Karin.
one of MANY reasons I despise POD set ups for schools… and that set up sound perfectly dreadful – really? only 4 teachers so her schedule is pretty rigid – no accelerated or remedial classes, no choice of languages… but it may be that your daughter’s academic strengths/weaknesses will be best served by one of those 4 teachers or that she’s a ring leader so intentionally separated for social reasons (don’t look at me like that – ring leaders are perfectly charming to most adults – think Eddie Haskell) or that the other kids parents requested something and didn’t tell you (or were cryptic about it).
Anyway, it’s a good experience for your daughter to fit in to other groups and that will serve her well in life from here to eternity – don’t intervene.
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Comment by Tonya.
I think Kristine’s advice is right on. I moved schools for 7th and 8th grade and while I begged, pleaded and threatened to never ever be happy again I think it was the right thing for me.
The first few weeks were hard and knowing the my old friends were all together was also difficult but I really think that learning how to navigate that situation and make new friends helped me enormously later on. Life is change. And usually that change comes with some unexpected but beautiful outcomes!
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Comment by Angie Uncovered.
The great thing about middle school is that there tends to be a constant influx of new students to the school. While she might be without her besties, she certainly won’t be the only one making new friends.
I would leave her in her assigned group and encourage her to make new friends during the day and she can always hang out with her other friends after school! This also gives her a chance to develop more individuality rather than always being part of a group.
Best of luck! 
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Comment by N and Em's mom.
Maybe I don’t understand how this works, but if there are a minimum of 200 kids in 8th grade and if half the kids in your daughter’s pod are girls, there should be 50 other girls. If they split the kids up into 4 classes, there would be on average 12.5 (okay 12 or 13 girls/class). Even if you went to all of the work to switch to a different pod, there is no guarantee that your daughter would be in the same class as any of her friends. If she really does not know any of the other girls in her class (a typical middle schooler’s exaggeration or a red flag that her group of friends may be too exclusive), there may be other students that are in the same boat. This is an opportunity for her to be kind and make new friends, a skill that will come in handy next year when she goes to high school. And mom, you will learn an awful lot about what kind of friends your daughter has. It may be middle school, but real friendships can stand up to the test of “we don’t get to spend every single minute of every singe day together.”
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Comment by Amy W.
Middle school is awful, no matter how you slice it. This will give her an opportunity to make new friends (and learn how to do so), and come out of her shell a bit (& learn the benefits of that). Encourage her & support her in those efforts. And please don’t let her wear tight rolled Guess Jeans, leg warmers or banana clips. That will surely squelch any chances of friend finding in her new pod.
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Comment by Mandy.
I met one of my best friends in the world because I was in the B Group in 9th group and not in the A Group with the rest of my friends. This girl and I were two fish out of water and we bonded. We’re still friends to this day!
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Comment by Mandy.
In 8th grade, I mean. I type-o’d both the number and the word. Good grief.
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Comment by Jen T..
Considering I just sent my 7th grader to Australia for three weeks with a group where she knew NO ONE (if you don’t count the four Saturdays of three hour orientation prior to the trip), I am probably not the one to ask.
But you did. I say leave her…she’ll live, and you will not be referred to as a helicopter parent for the rest of your life.
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Comment by Lisa.
I’m surprised at the responses. I am usually very much in the “suffering builds character” camp, but not on this one. Middle school was hell. A support network is crucial, even to the most outgoing child. This is the time when friends mean everything. She will have plenty of other character building opportunities.
Sheesh how many blogs have I just read about blogger and how nervous everyone is that she won’t fit in, that she won’t know anyone, that she won’t get invited to the cool parties? Everyone says to make some connections before you go so you have someone to pal around with. Throw the kid a lifeline and let her focus on school, not her lack of friends.
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Comment by starle.
Oh, I totally agree with the above! If you think it will make her life any easier…DO IT!
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Comment by Bully For You | The Mouthy Housewives.
[...] liking you or thinking that you are a pain. There are times for parents to take a step back and let school administrators do their thing. This isn’t one of [...]
Comment by NH Mama.
UPDATE: I took the majority’s advice and didn’t do a thing about my daughter’s placement. It is November, and while the start of school was rather rocky and tearful, I am happy to report she has found her way! She has made new friends, has kept the old ones too via texting and school sports, and is generally happy. I do think this experience helped her grow…it pushed her out of her comfort zone, & I’ve seen more confidence as a result. I think with time she has realized that being with a new group has allowed her to shine in a way she hasn’t before, and that she is absolved from the day-to-day drama among her own group of friends who are still all together. So thanks to all for your responses and opinions – you helped this Mama and threw me a lifeline when I needed it!
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Plano Mom Reply:
August 15th, 2011 at 8:56 am
And I sounded very preachy just then. Not intentional, just before my morning caffeine.
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