06 Jun
Mouthing Off: Working Moms Deemed Root Cause for All of Society’s Ills

A very strange thing happened yesterday in American politics. And that strange, aberrant and unprecedented thing was that a Republican lawmaker blamed one of our country’s problems on…wait for it…women! Crazy, huh? That sort of thing hasn’t happened since, like, hmmmm, well, the day before yesterday, probably.

The latest slam against the female gender comes from Mississippi Governor Phil Bryant who told the Washington Post that America became “so mediocre” in regard to educational outcomes because, “I think both parents started working. And the mom is in the work place.” He then backtracked a little and tried to say the cause was both parents, but it’s telling that his first culprit was everyone’s favorite target, moms.

But honestly, is there anything worse than working moms? They’re always ruining it for everyone! All those ladies care about is putting on their shoulder-padded business suits so they can strut around the boardroom and pretend they’re Susan Dey on LA Law. They certainly don’t care about putting their brilliant minds and college degrees to use. Or seeking personal fulfillment. Or even contributing to their family’s budget so their kids don’t fall below the poverty line because most modern families survive on two incomes. No, those hose beasts are just selfish females.

And we speak from experience because all of us were raised by strong, independent working moms. And it’s 100% their fault we didn’t get full ride scholarships to Harvard, master Chinese at age four or learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly. Losers.

But maybe Governor Bryant, who runs a state that regularly ranks the lowest in education, is on to something. After all, why blame cuts in educational funding, teaching to the test or a broken system when you can instead just jump on the “blame women and moms” bandwagon that’s become so popular lately? Really, when you think about it, it seems totally obvious that most of the world’s problems are caused by moms:

1. Global Warming! Where do you think all that hot air is coming from?!

2. Deforestation! You know women and their…feminine paper products.

3. The Syrian Civil War! Bashar al-Asaad is in a bad mood and we ALLLL know why. (Lookin’ at you, Mrs. Asma al-Asaad!)

4. Breast Cancer! I mean, if we didn’t have such an abundance of damn cleavage in the world.

5. Obesity! Is it too much to ask moms to cook some damn dinner instead of driving through Mc High Fructose Corn Syrup for every meal?

6. Terrorists!  Probably wore store-bought Halloween costumes. 

7. Scandal-plagued Congressmen! Anthony Weiner’s mother was a math teacher.

8. Measles Outbreaks! If Jenny McCarthy would just shut her mouth. (No, wait, that one may be on point.)

We could go on, but…let’s not. In fact, if we could shelve this whole argument for, say, the foreseeable future, that’d be great. Ya hear that, Governor Bryant?

12 Responses to “Mouthing Off: Working Moms Deemed Root Cause for All of Society’s Ills”

06.06.13#1

Comment by deathstar.

Clearly this man was not breastfed.

Steph Reply:

Love this post and this tongue-in-cheek (hee hee) comment by deathstar. Seriously, though, enough is enough. Get off the backs of mothers who work outside the home.

06.06.13#2

Comment by Amelia.

Ugh. Bryant is my illustrious gub’ner. I was born, reared, and educated entirely in Mississippi. I’m now a working, single mom of a kindergartener who reads on the third-grade level and who evidently has better cognitive reasoning skills than the leader of her state.

06.06.13#3

Comment by N and Em's mom.

Sooo….. How out of touch with reality can you be when 48% of the children in Mississippi live in ….drum roll please….single parent households? For the love of cheezits, enough already. I am pretty sure that staying home is not an option for most of these households. I know that it wasn’t for me.

06.06.13#4

Comment by dusty earth mother.

He so wore a store-bought Halloween costume.

06.06.13#5

Comment by Susan Weinstein.

It all goes back to Eve fooling around with that damn snake! Without her, we’d still be running naked around the Garden of Eden having a good time. So her descendants, all females are snakes in the grass!

06.09.13#6

Comment by Cate8.

You forgot to mention that working moms neglect their child’s classroom– why aren’t they there volunteering? and heaven forbid that little Suzie can’t do play dates all summer long cuz her bad mommy works two jobs.

N and Em's mom Reply:

I did. Both girls got one of my vacation days every year for a field trip and a half day of vacation for a classroom party. I am a lucky single working mom; I get 22 vacation days a year. Wow! Novel idea! Maybe if more working moms made a livable wage and had better benefits, it would trickle down to the classroom.

06.09.13#7

Comment by Faye Carlisle.

I am a mother and a teacher. I’m doubly to blame for all society’s ills!

06.10.13#8

Comment by tammigirl.

Well… I know I’ll probably get hate mail for this one, but I’ll say it anyway. (Because I’m smart this way) We are a country where most families need two incomes to make it because we have so many two income families. We did that one to ourselves, in my opinion.

06.10.13#9

Comment by Sandy Shoes.

I actually did learn how to spell learn how to spell “pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanokoniosis” correctly and my mom worked.

06.11.13#10

Comment by Dvega.

As my mom likes to tell me and I shall tell my kids, “I have to give you something to talk about in therapy.”

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