I’m Not Your Aunt, Kid
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
My friend told her daughter to call me “Aunt Grace” which I think is ridiculous because I’m not her aunt, although my name is Grace. I explained that I’d like to be called by my first name but my friend insists that that’s disrespectful. Shouldn’t that be up to me?
Signed,
Grace
___________________________________________
Dear Grace,
I had this exact same conversation with my friend Sue when my daughter was born. Or maybe when my daughter was old enough to talk, who the hell knows, those first years are a total blur. See, like your friend, I thought that adding “Aunt” to a person’s name would be a sign of respect, and yet, I was too timid to try calling my boss Aunt Bob. I thought I’d see how my daughter fared with my friend and model my behavior accordingly. But my friend Sue would have none of it. Apparently, she was some sort of a relationship purist and didn’t want to be called an aunt unless she was the actual aunt. She asked to be called just Sue.
I’ll be honest–I did consider it odd at first. Like your friend, I thought that children calling adults by their first names, without a title, was disrespectful. But then I realized that foisting titles on people that they didn’t like was rude.
So talk to your friend. Explain that it takes more than a title to convey respect and that you don’t consider being called an aunt one of its hallmarks. Ask her if there is a title that the two of you can agree on – Miss Grace? Dis Grace? Her Royal Highness Grace? Not Really Aunt Grace?
Remember that although I was able to see the light and drop the “aunt”, your friend may insist on the title. And as a parent, it is her right to rear her child in the way that she sees fit. In which case, you’ll have no choice but to bite your tongue. And befriend me instead.
Best of luck,
Marinka, TMH
18 Responses to “I’m Not Your Aunt, Kid”
Comment by Sally.
I agree with your friend, children should show respect to adults. Take a clue from people in the “genteel south”. Miss Grace does just fine and doesn’t imply a family relationship.
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Comment by Albug.
I like the “Miss Grace” moniker. Here in the Midwest we go with Mrs. or Miss Smith and work from there. If a friend asks that my child call them by their first name it’s okay with me, otherwise they are Mrs. Smith or Miss Smith. I guess I’m old fashioned. I really don’t see where using the term Aunt shows respect, I think it designates family and if every woman the child knows is designated as an Aunt isn’t that disrespectful to the true family member?
In the end, however, I think you need to abide by your friends wishes and be Aunt Grace. Her child, her rules.
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Comment by Plano Mom.
I agree that being called Aunt by a child who is not my relative is disconcerting. “Miss” is the common enough standard in these parts that not using it is considered disrespectful. If it helps Marinka, at least here in Texas, “Miss” is pronounced like “Ms.” so it at least sounds like we’re aware of women’s lib.
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Comment by Kati.
My kids call my very closest friends “Aunt Grace” (which is only strange because I don’t have any close friends named Grace), but they call all other adult women “Miss Sue”.
The fact that we are in the South certainly helps with this, but no matter where we live I would never let my child disrespect an adult by calling them their first name with no title to it. Just feels wrong to me. In fact, I still call older women “Miss Ethyl” as a sign of respect to them.
And I admit it, I think it’s cute how little Southern boys address me as “Miz Kati”.
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Comment by Steph.
I guess I don’t see how refusing to take the other person’s wishes into account could teach *respect. “Well, I know Grace doesn’t like it when you call her ‘Aunt Grace,’ but this rule I have in my head about you calling an adult by his/her first name is WAYYYY more important than GENUINELY RESPECTING the people around you.”
While that sounds snarky, I really don’t get it. Your friend has asked that you don’t do a particular thing. It’s no hair off your as…head to respect that.
And this is coming from a Southerner who raised her children to call grown women “Miz (because Plano Mom is right – it doesn’t sound like ‘Miss’) [insert name here],” unless said women had another preference. So it’s not like I don’t know about weird etiquette.
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Kati Reply:
February 14th, 2011 at 10:45 am
That makes total sense, it’s not respectful to foist a title on someone unwillingly. I should clarify that my kids only call their actual aunts and friends that are close enough to be considered my “sisters” “aunt”, and all of them with permission to do so. If anyone said “no, I don’t want to be Aunt Grace”, they’d go back to Miz Grace immediately.
On the rare (and unlikely) occasion that someone said “can’t they just call me Grace?” I would take that into account, and explain to my kids that this was an exception to the rule, that we were respecting one person’s wishes, but that we still address all other adults properly.
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Comment by JubanMama.
In my house we refer to my son’s one proper aunt as “Aunt Grace,” but all our close female friends as “Auntie Grace.” Though we have a few friends from the South who use the Mr. or Ms. titles, which I think is adorable.
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Comment by annie.
I think we must be a lot ruder in the rocky mtn west. I had friends (really more acquaintances) who insisted their kids call me Miss Annie and I hated it!! Just call me by my first name.
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Comment by Bekah.
Yeah, I’m in the middle of the Aunt thing too. Except I get stuck with Auntie which makes me feel about 50 years older than I actually am, so I’m waiting for the day when the bottom of my purse is lined with antacids and lint covered hard candies.
My fiance is Chinese and for most Asian cultures it is a term of respect to call female friends “Auntie”. It took me a long time to get used to my fiance’s fraternity brothers teaching their toddlers to call me Auntie Bekah.
Just roll with it. Eventually you’ll get the hang of it and won’t even notice.
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Comment by HellTygr.
I’d SO much rather my daughter call my adult friends by Ms or Mr Smith… but none of them will “let” us do that. They all want simple first name only. Ah, we West Coasties are so laid back, it’s painful!
I miss calling adults by last names.
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Comment by MommyTime.
I think Miss and Mr [firstname] are perfectly reasonable as signs of respect. (Marinka, I’m pretty we fought the Civil War so that we wouldn’t have to be called Mrs. John Smith, or whatever our husband’s names were.) I find it difficult to do Mr and Mrs [lastname] here–which is what I grew up with–since so many of our married friends have different last names from their spouses. But I do feel uncomfortable with my kids calling other adults (especially those they don’t know well) just by their first names. I guess I’m just an etiquette prude. Sorry.
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Comment by Kimberly.
I like the sound of Dame Grace. I think it means an automatic invite to the Royal Wedding this spring too. So, two birds.
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Comment by Karin.
When my oldest was learning to speak, we lived in another city and we called everyone Mr and Mrs. . We moved “home” and with my parents for a few months while we found a house and everyone was called Mr and Mrs. . Then we found a house one town over. EVERYONE went by Mr. or Ms. . I still have neighbors almost 7 years later that *I* still don’t know the last name.
So we just go with the flow – I have a bunch of friends who are a little more formal and are Mr and Mrs. and then there are those in our neighborhood that are Mr and Ms. . The only exception is my best friend who carries no title but goes by her first and maiden name…
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Comment by The Flying Chalupa.
Dang, what have I walked into here? I, too, was raised in a “Hey You” environment. Titles of any sort in my family are made fun of – unless belonging to real grandparents, aunts or uncles.
But…I suppose the mom is gonna make her kid abide by whatever she deems polite.
Her Highness,
The Lady of Shalot
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Comment by Ace.
“Not really Aunt Grace.” Ha ha.
I have a sister Grace (for real), so she will be Aunt Grace to my kids. I have an Aunt Grace (for real[ish]) who is not really my aunt, and now that I am old enough to drink with her, she’s just Grace.
And I am one of those commenters who thinks the mother of the child should let her kid call you (writer) whatever you want to be called, as long as it isn’t a yucky cuss. Much more respectful than forcing you with another title. Snub her til she complies.
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Marinka, TMH Reply:
February 14th, 2011 at 8:14 am
I’m of the “call me anything you want, just don’t call me late for dinner” school, but no way would I put up with someone adding a “Miss” to my name. There’s a reason we fought the Civil War, you know.
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Wendi Reply:
February 14th, 2011 at 12:12 pm
I never imagined I’d like hearing the word “Miss” from kids, but it’s adorable and polite. That’s what my kids called all their preschool teachers.
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