Dear Mouthy Housewives
Please, please, please tell me how to stop my kids from picking their noses and then eating the boogers. It’s so disgusting! I’ve told them a million times to stop. Nothing works. Help.
Disgusted in Denver
Dear Disgusted in Denver,
I feel your pain. And nausea. I have a nose-picker/booger eating child too, and if I had a glass of wine for every time I told him to stop, I would be too drunk to write this.
Obviously, our current tactic to stop this repulsive habit isn’t working. So what can we do differently?
We can lie.
We already lie about Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy, leprechauns, whether or not we inhaled…the list is endless! What’s one more lie? I’m convinced we should come up with fake reasons why our kids must not eat their boogers. I suggest the following:
#1 Eating boogers leads to blindness and insanity. (Just like masturbation!)
#2 Every time you eat your boogers, a child in Africa goes hungry. (This is partly true and shouldn’t count against us as a full lie.)
#3 Santa Claus breaks a toy every time you eat your boogers. (Two lies in one, score!)
#4 Eating boogers depletes the vitamins in your body. You now must eat an extra helping of broccoli to make up for it. (Punishment through food is always a wise parental choice.)
#5 When you eat your boogers, Satan eats a puppy. (Using the religion/fear combo to make people do what you want is an ancient tactic…because it works.)
Hopefully our readers will offer even more booger-eating lies and I’m sure our children will be on a booger-free diet in no time.