16 Feb
Help! My Daughter Has a Friend Who’s a Weirdo.

Dear Mouthy Housewives,

My daughter has a new friend that is ruining her life. The friend, Simone, is a weirdo and I am worried she will be bringing my daughter into weirdo sanctums with her (exaggeration, but possible). Simone is not parented at all, is on the internet all hours of the night, has no restrictions on her computer or iPhone, and even refers to her parents by their first names! I suspect a drop-out and heroin addiction is on the horizon.

Together they are into Japanese anime and music(?!), drawing and oddball hats. Not to mention Simone has poor hygiene, she’s dumb and has the personality of a box of hair. Really, the kid isn’t smart (truth), my daughter is nearing brilliance (truth), I don’t understand the appeal.

What can I do to sabotage the relationship without letting my daughter know and what can I do t o keep myself from screaming, “Stop being a weirdo and put on your pearls and that fucking Lilly Pulitzer coat!”

Signed,

Don’t Let My Daughter Turn into a Simone

_______________________________________

Dear Don’t Let My Daughter Turn into a Simone,

First of all, I really wish I had Simone’s parents growing up. That would have been killer, living with the ‘rents Bob and Sue, playing games on my iPhone all night. Except, of course, there was no iPhone. Or computer. Or internet. Damn, I don’t even think the word processor had been invented. Crap, I’m old. Thankfully, this isn’t about me.

I would like to address the most troubling of your comments – regarding Lilly Pulitzer. Because no one should put Lilly Pulitzer on a pedestal.   All that pink and kelly green is just over the top. I’d rather dress like a box of hair.

Here is my best advice:   Act like Simone. Embrace Simone. Celebrate all things that are Simone. Because there is one thing I know for sure – if your daughter is a teenager, she currently thinks you’re very uncool (which I’m sure you’re totally not). So anything you adore will be tarnished immediately in her eyes. Start illustrating your own Japanese cartoons, put on your raspberry beret and stop showering so frequently. The bonding with Simone must begin right now to save your daughter’s soul. Just don’t then sell her soul to Lilly Pulitzer. Okay?

If your daughter is as smart as you say, she will not drop out of school or become a heroin addict. Even if Simone deems it the most righteous plan for the two of them. This Simone thing will be a phase, and a year from now, you will only have the markings from your daughter’s eyebrow ring to remember her by.

Good luck to you,

Kelcey, TMH

P.S. Totally kidding about the eyebrow ring. Those are so 2008.

17 Responses to “Help! My Daughter Has a Friend Who’s a Weirdo.”

02.16.11#1

Comment by bitsy.

Excellent advice.

02.16.11#2

Comment by skchord.

I agree, excellent advice. My father hated a couple of my friends because he didn’t “approve of their parents parenting techniques” and didn’t think they were strict enough. However, he attempted to chose my friends for me and even refused to let me spend the night with certain friends (and trust me, they showered and called their parents Mom and Dad). Whatever you do, do not voice your disgust. If your daughter is mature, you could also sit down and talk with her about your concerns without dissing Simone…especially if she’s as smart as you say she is…she’s probably already aware of the massive differences.

02.16.11#3

Comment by Wendi.

I don’t know–you might regret kicking her out when Simone later becomes the new Lady Gaga.

02.16.11#4

Comment by Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up).

I agree with the advice above. After all, it’s not that easy to become a herion addict. I know, i’ve tried. Just saying…

02.16.11#5

Comment by Fletch.

I WAS Simone. I was that wierdo friend that all the parents were concerned about. I turned nice wholesome La Coste wearing girls and boys into combat boot wearing, nose ringed punks after two weeks of friendship. All I have to say is that all of us have come out okay, except for the preps who all hit their peak in high school and never got over it.

Nanette Reply:

Love it!!

02.16.11#6

Comment by vodka tonic.

I was also that weirdo with awful parents. Other kids’ parents didn’t want me over. I was a social misfit, and an outcast a lot of the time. For no good reason. I never turned anyone into a heroin addict. In fact, a lot of the “good kids” with the “good parents” were doing some pretty whacked shit.
Perfect church-going girl? Regularly getting boob hickies from the boys down the street.
Nice girl that lived in the big house on the hill? Invited me to watch mom and dad’s homemade porn videos.
The “Homeroom Mom’s” daughter? Gettin’ high in 8th grade. Etc.

It sounds like your daughter’s a nice kid, and maybe Simone just needs a friend. Lay off. If you’ve raised your daughter with good common sense, she won’t be making any bad decisions with the “weirdos” or those so-called “good kids,” either.

Heather, TMH Reply:

Since I never got any boob hickies I hope that means I was a weirdo too.

02.16.11#7

Comment by burkmom.

Invite Simone into your home. “Parent” figures might just be what she IS searching for. Then you can keep an eye on both your daughter and Simone. Chances are it is a passing fad, otherwise, it might be a wonderful relationship for all of you!

amy Reply:

That would be my move. Have Simone over at your place with open arms. Then you know what your daughter is up to and you can really get to know the kid.

02.16.11#8

Comment by Erin I'm Gonna Kill Him.

I think this is White Swan – Black Swan syndrome. Hopefully your daughter will smash her into a mirror before performing her plies. Wait, did that happen? I’m still so confused by that movie.

I’m out of my realm with teenagers, but I like the advice from #7 – keep them at your house so you can perhaps gain some insight into what makes SImone appealing to your kid. Maybe she’s better than you think.

Simone is a great imaginary friend name. Too bad yours isn’t imaginary…

02.16.11#9

Comment by GrandeMocha.

Send all the Lilly Pulitzer to me! I LOVE IT!

02.17.11#10

Comment by N and Em's mom.

Great advice! Bring out the mom-inator. Smother Simone with positive attention. Ask her what her favorite cookie is and bake it when she comes over. Grill her with mom questions while you put her in a sugar coma, then announce to your daughter that you really like Simone. Follow this up with questions, “Where’s Simone? When is Simone coming over? How is Simone doing?” Repeat this every day, straight-faced with no sarcasm, and Simone will either be history or at your house supervised all the time because she has found someone who gives a crap.

02.18.11#11

Comment by The Kid.

The problem with the “weirdo” kids is that they often didn’t get that way on their own. Maybe think about how your own daughter would be if she wasn’t so loved and smart and didn’t have someone to teach her things like personal hygene.

It sounds like your daughter befriending her shows what a beautiful heart she has and instead of dreading Simone influencing your daughter, help your daughter influence Simone.

like other comenters said, invite her into your home and treat her like your daughter, because maybe all she needs is some motherly love herself 🙂

Lindsay Marie Reply:

I am very appaled at the level of maturity you are intending to handle this so called situation with. First ofF you are stating what looks like absolute disdain to the fact that your daughter and Simone draw and like hats, lol thats ridiculous! But whats even worse is that your saying this child is headed towards a life of heroin addiction and no education. How dare you even assume such a thing! You have no clue what Simone has been through and if the worst thing that shes introduced to your daughter is Japanese Anime I think you are alright. By asking for advice on how to SABOTAGE your daughters friendship you look like a insecure, judgemental, and ignorant person. Resorting to lying, sneaking and name-calling seems like a worse example to set for your child then her having a friend that’s different from the “norm”. Maybe this is an opportunity for your daughter to teach you about tolerance. OMG she doesnt wear Lilly Pullitzer, shes obviously not good enough to come in my home! Wow, grow up.

Lindsay Marie Reply:

that was put in the wrong box it was intended as a reply for the original question not the reply from The Kid.

Ace Reply:

My favorite reply. I was a “weirdo,” (which, as an adult, I am realizing is the go-to word for people who don’t know how to say “eccentric” or “out of the ordinary” or “unique” or freaking fantastic!”) and I kept my “straight” friends OUT of trouble. I agree 100% with every single word of your comment. This letter asking for advice made me want to barf.

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