This week there’s been a lot of backlash against a British woman who says her life is hard because she is so beautiful. Men buy her things and women hate her. (By the way, does anyone know what “beautiful” means in British? Because we’re guessing it means something different than it does here over the pond.)
But despite the backlash, The Mouthy Housewives must support Samantha, our brave sister in delusion. Because like her, we are also very much despised–both for our beauty and our Domestic Goddess skills. In fact, it’s probably hard for you to imagine what we’ve all had to endure, so we’re providing you with a list.
Read it and weep.
And then get us a box of bon-bons.
HOW BEING PERFECT DOMESTIC GODDESSES HAS MADE OUR LIVES MISERABLE:
The insurance policies on our vacuum cleaners cut into our silver polish budget.
Our poor husbands don’t know WHAT do to when they check into a five-star hotel on business. Those maids and butlers could stand to learn a thing or two from us.
It’s so embarrassing when other mothers come over and realize they’ve been throwing their kids crap birthday parties for years.
Good Housekeeping and Ladies Home Journal are constantly calling us to fact check.
Our immaculately spotless minivan lacks “character” and “edge.”
Constant worry about dangerous slips and falls due to our hardwood floors being cleaned and waxed to perfection.
We bore our friends to death with the tale of how one of us once found a single stray dog hair on the couch cushion back in 1983. Oh, the embarrassment of that day!
The people at Febreeze forever bothering us about how we get our homes to smell so perfect. How do you bottle perfection?
The overwhelming fear of the other mothers that it’s Picture Day at school when we show up with our perfectly polished children.
Dust runs away from us in fear.
Nobody believes us when we tell them that that cracker ass Martha Stewart steals all of our ideas.
Whenever the Merry Maids see us, they become the Crabby Maids.
We have PhD in ironing (that stands for PutTheIronDown, right?)
Our cleaning women just sit and gaze lovingly at our faces instead of doing their jobs.
So, you see? We know exactly how Samantha feels. It’s tough to be so perfect.
So very, very tough.
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