The Jealous Step Daughter
Dear Mouthy Housewives,
I have been in my step daughter’s life since she was 3 1/2. I married her dad when she was 9. She is now 12. My husband has shared custody and she is with us exactly half the time.
I never noticed any jealousy from her until we got married. I always thought it was cute and funny, but kinda thought she would grow out of some of it by now. I get under the eyelid glares when she is hugging him and she practically knocks me over to be next to him. She constantly reminds me that he is her dad and I don’t know him like she does. She is as tall as me now (5’6″) and sits in his lap to watch TV but gets up and leaves the room if I come in.
I’m starting to feel uncomfortable in my own home, but I feel guilty for feeling this way. I’ve brought it up to my husband, but basically the kid can do no wrong. I feel things are getting worse between us and I fear for the teen years. What should I do?
Signed,
The Odd Girl Out
______________________________
Dear Odd Girl Out,
Things can always get a little sticky between step children and step parents. In her eyes, the day you and your husband got married, you probably went from cool, fun girlfriend who buys her stuff to permanent wife who is trying to steal her daddy forever. It’s a tough situation but you need to take action right away because if she glares at you at twelve, she’ll probably have a website called “The Wicked Step-Monster” by the time she’s 15.
First of all, have a real conversation with your husband. Tell him how much you love your step daughter but that you feel she is competing with you instead of connecting. Try not to say anything that will make him defensive – this is his 5′ 6″ little girl after all! Tell him that you sense some resentment from her and that you want to be closer as a family.
I would suggest a visit to a family therapist, so everyone can put their feelings on the table in an emotionally safe environment and then move forward. Or maybe you and your husband need to go to a therapist first – someone who can help him see that there is a real issue going on here. Because you shouldn’t feel uncomfortable in your own home.
Make sure your step daughter knows how much you love her. Make a serious effort to spend time with her. Show her the upside of a step mom. Take her to the movies, a special mani-pedi or to a cool new restaurant. I would avoid activities where sharp objects are involved like archery or a rifle range. I would also seek out other step moms, either online or in real life. Find out what worked for them in trying to bond with their step children.
But definitely stop this madness of fighting over your husband. I can always send over my husband if you need another one around there. That offer is good anytime.
Good luck to you and let us know how it goes.
Signed,
Kelcey, TMH
5 Responses to “The Jealous Step Daughter”
Comment by Becky (Princess Mikkimoto).
Great advice Kelcey! This family needs some big time help and therapy. Something else is going on here.
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Comment by Plano Mom.
Boy this one was way too familiar. I too am wife #4. Met when she was 3, married when she was 6. She did the compete for Daddy when she was 12 too. But just from this note, it sure seems very different. For mine, it was occasional “make Daddy choose” kind of thing. This letter seems way more like targeted animosity and competition. One very important difference (again just from the note) was that my husband was very careful and deliberate about asserting his relationship with me as his wife. Daughter may get hugs and sitting on lap, but wife gets the same amount or more attention. Make wife and marriage important, and it doesn’t matter what the children do.
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Comment by Leigh Ann.
I agree with Plano Mom (and everyone else). I’m not a step parent, nor do i have step parents, but one thing a friends told me about her own parents has really stuck with me. She said that no matter how horrible she thought they were as parents, their marriage was always solid, and it was always clear to her that nothing she could do would ever shake that foundation. Kids crave stability, and since her mom and dad are divorced, enforcing stability between the step mom and dad, and the unit as a whole, might help her cope with her jealousy. Therapy is a great idea.
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Comment by Skygirl77.
I’m the 4th wife of a man with 3 kids; 2 boys by the 1st wife, 1 girl by the 3rd. Like the writer, things were pretty much hunky-dory till we announced our impending marriage. Maybe because their dad had had other girlfriends before me, the kids figured I was just another “flavor of the month” and therefore no (imagined) threat to their happy kingdom.
But once we got engaged, then married, their gloves came off … and so too did the masks. The youngest boy, by then 15, suddenly became daddy’s little shadow and a fixture in his lap and at his side. Foolishly, I allowed this, going so at as to leave our home for hours on end so as to give this child (a teen actually) the time he so obviously craved with his father.
BIG MISTAKE!! In the end, my absences were used against me as if I wasn’t interested in time with my husband if the kids were visiting (untrue), and a lack of compassion as a stepmom (also untrue). It wasn’t till 3 or 4 yrs later I learned to speak my mind (with my husband) and create some boundaries and house rules.
You must not let a child run your marriage or your home. If allowed to, the balance of power may shift in her favor for good. Get to a therapist and get it all out on the table. Your family needs some help in establishing boundaries and understanding roles. There is no time to lose.
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